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Mon 20 Jun, 2005 09:47 am
This topic might be better suited in the debate forum, but reading through the weekends threads I have come to the conclusion that newcomers to this forum who ask for help really don't want it... they are just looking for somebody to reaffirm their actions.
Sure we get the occasional person who actually listens to the advice and acts upon it, but most of the posters here ask for help and then, when they don't hear what they want, go out of there way to justify their actions. Its always, "but you don't really know the situation," or "but I'm not like other girls my age," or "I still love my wife but I just couldn't help sleeping with someone else... it's not my fault," or any other lame excuse under the sun.
So why do you think these people post here? Do you think deep down they might actually listen to the advice given, or are they so determined to make their situation work and shift blame else where, that they actually convince themselves that everything is going to be okay?
I think you're right jpin. I think they post hoping that someone will justify the decision they've already made, or the situations they are in. One of those, "it's ok to sleep with a married man if he loves you" or "by all means, divorce your husband for watching porn even if he doesn't know you're mad at him!"
I hear ya, jpin...I hear ya loud and clear.
Which is maybe why I've gotten less and less nice in responses.
i think some are looking for advice, but are more receptive to advice that springs off of thier inner desires / thoughts.
Example.. the woman who was sleeping with ( well not YET ) a married man. I bet if she heard someone who had been in that situation before, and eased her into a diffrent thought process, she would have left the forum happy, and probally SINGLE>
but I do think most are looking for affirmations to thier feelings, justifications to thier 'wrongs' and divorce lawyers fopr thier porn addicted husbands. :lol;
Bella Dea wrote:Which is maybe why I've gotten less and less nice in responses.
I've enjoyed your responses more and more lately. Very blunt, straight-foward answers that usually hit the nail right on the head. I say keep up the good work.
The funny thing is though that it still doesn't stop me from posting here. I still offer advice even when I
know it will fall on deaf ears.
shewolfnm wrote:i think some are looking for advice, but are more receptive to advice that springs off of thier inner desires / thoughts.
Example.. the woman who was sleeping with ( well not YET ) a married man. I bet if she heard someone who had been in that situation before, and eased her into a diffrent thought process, she would have left the forum happy, and probally SINGLE>
That was kind of what I was thinking when I asked if deep down they might actually listen to the advice, but, for some reason, feel that they have to try to defend their positions.
The way I look at it, you only have to DEFEND when things are wrong. ;-)
Quote:This topic might be better suited in the debate forum, but reading through the weekends threads I have come to the conclusion that newcomers to this forum who ask for help really don't want it... they are just looking for somebody to reaffirm their actions.
Well, that's free hear. A (bad) psychologist will charge a steep hourly rate to perform the same service.
jpinMilwaukee wrote:Bella Dea wrote:Which is maybe why I've gotten less and less nice in responses.
I've enjoyed your responses more and more lately. Very blunt, straight-foward answers that usually hit the nail right on the head. I say keep up the good work.
The funny thing is though that it still doesn't stop me from posting here. I still offer advice even when I
know it will fall on deaf ears.
Well, thanks. I've always been known to be blunt. Which has gotten called things like Cold Hearted Bitch...but you know, I just can't stand a liar so I always just tell the truth, even if it's unpleasant.
As for responding, me too. I figure, sometimes all it takes is someone just saying something to make people start to think about it.
They will either think, or run. ;-)
shewolfnm wrote:They will either think, or run. ;-)
Either way we get to stop listening to them bitch and moan about the same damn thing....
I tell myself that some people, even though they are obviously not listening right now, will think back on what we said, maybe years from now, and act on our advice.
My boss (a women's shelter manager) says that women who don't listen may listen later, years after the words were spoken. She calls this "planting the seeds." I like that.
I also think there are a lot more readers than there are posters. So, someone else in a similar situation may be reading our advice and learning from it, even if the original poster hasn't learned a thing.
I think most people fall into this category. But I have heard - read others responses where they do seem to consider a different point of view. There was one recently where a woman seemed to be considering each person's suggestion.
I also think it is helpful if you "listen" to the what the person is saying and then commensurate with them first. Bascially say I understand this situation - I understand how you feel. Then give the advice even if it may be negative. People respond better if you say it nicer and may be more willing to at least look at the over viewpoint.
When you start off being negative toward some one's thoughts (even if they are totally in the wrong), they tend to shut you off from the get go. However, if you try to understand how they feel - even if they are doing something completely wrong - they may be more willing to listen to another viewpoint.
BorisKitten wrote:I also think there are a lot more readers than there are posters. So, someone else in a similar situation may be reading our advice and learning from it, even if the original poster hasn't learned a thing.
That is a very good point. You never know who may be looking for the same advice.
Linkat, I think you are right about starting off by commensurating with the person. Some times when people start firing right away the poster gets very defensive and spends more time on the defensive then actually listening to the advice. But other times it sounds like people have made up their mind, even before posting, and no matter how much common sense you send their way there will be no convincing them.
jpin and bella,
if you help one person out there it is worth it...keep it up. look at the woman who is getting help after 18 years of abuse...your comments do make a difference.
excellent point about more readers then posters.
You can tell by the number of views a thread has , that your statement is VERY true...
I often ask advice and opinions on many subjects, though not necessairly on forum. I consider what I hear, but am certainly not obliged to follow whatever I hear. It's a part of my decision making process.
I second that, roger. I was going to say that asking for advice is really just part of the whole process. You sound off your ideas and see what comes back. I often ask for advice when what I really want is to talk about the situation. The asking for advice part is really just a way of engaging someone and getting them to listen to me. It's not that I will ignore their advice, but I'm less interested in their actual suggestions than I am in their perspective or judgment of a situation. Often I will go into a conversation like this with a decision in mind, realize that I can't defend it against someone else's valid points, and am forced to re-evaluate. I'd like to think that that happens here, but we are bogged down in the actual conversation and can't see what could be happening outside of the forum.
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