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Sat 18 Jun, 2005 03:05 am
We have been married 17 years & have 2 kids. I guess that our, my, problems started after moving into a new house about 10 years ago. Trying and keep this short. I myself had only few friends early on, that for assorted reason, distance, whatever, I have lost these friends. At the time we had a 5 year old, which ended up causing conflicts with other kids and parents to a point that we have neighbors that we basically ignore. My expectation moving into a new house/neighborhood I guess was very high in anticipation of having neighbors as friends. Now my wife is basically my best and only friend, no buddies for me to hang out with. We eventually now have a group of friends that we hang out with every Friday night & other times, but I feel like I have no connection with the other husbands. I also under estimated the costs associated with the house. I/we wanted a small family boat, thought that we can travel and do all those great family things. But no, we live paycheck to paycheck, virtually no credit card dept, but we have an equity mortgage & some savings.
Over time the wife has asked for things, house, travel, etc which I guess were on my part either turned down, or ignored. I have done enough things like this to get her to want to be self sufficient, money etc, by starting her own business. Also, I have not given her encouragement and the validation that she said she needed from me. I have driven her away from me and she needed my acknowledgement, pat on her back, good job, etc and help with her business which is something that I drove her to. This is very complicated.
While she is getting stronger, determined & self sufficient, I think I have been broken down due to the fact that I don't have or lost close buddies, neighbors, we live paycheck to paycheck, etc. I have gotten to the point that I show very little enthusiasm about things that anybody does.
She says that she is not in love with me any longer, but she does love me. We are seeing a counselor. We are trying to work things out. But I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle because of the fact that she has lost her love for me and is so negative concerning how I have been in the past. Besides trying to please her now, its like too little too late. This is really hard to get written down, leaving out some. I am so heartbroken over this that I am afraid for our future. I can't handle her leaving me and not sure what to do to make her love me again.
All I can write now. Would like to hear from anyone. I have not spoken to anyone about this except a counselor, no buddies. She has spoken to her girl friends to try and figure things.
Hello I am wondering, did your really "lose your friends" like do you not have any idea of how to get in contact with them at all, or did you just lose them in the sense that you have not talked to them in 10 years. If you still have their parents home #'s where you grew up or a general idea of where they are IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!! They have not forgotten you either and time heals!!! If you really lost them and have no way of contacting them, then i am sorry for you that is hard.
Also, please do not get offended i do not know you, it sounds like your not very outgoing, responsive, or communicative. You say you lost your friends, and [quote]Over time the wife has asked for things, house, travel, etc which I guess were on my part either turned down, or ignored.[/quote]
[quote]Also, I have not given her encouragement and the validation that she said she needed from me. I have driven her away from me[/quote]
All i can offer is TALK get things out FIX things. If you want your neighbors go next door and say what's on your mind. Apologize for your childs behavior or whatever it is or was that makes you ignore them, it's all in the past FIX NOW!!! They may be thinking the same, I'm sure it's uncomfortable on both ends. Take some initiative, why not try to tell them how you feel and get reconnected like you wanted to be in the first place. Dont waste opportunities to do anything you can we are here long enough!!! Have fun with it, think of it as a new beginning go on a rampage of rectifying things. Become a new man, if things do not change at least you tried and you will gain satisfaction from that!!!
So, you know what makes your wife tick PAY ATTENTION and show her why she should be in love with you and love you make her see what you are!!! Then go knock on your neighbors door and make some friends, or at least try!!! Then do what you can to get ahold of some, if not all, of your friends that your thinking about they will be so happy to hear from you and wonder why you lost touch in the first place, or again at least you tried.
In closing I dont know you or your whole situation but it sounds like the ball is in your court and you have to do the work!!!
Silly suggestion,
If what you want , and your main goal is to win her attention again, start treating her like you did when you first met.
Small random gifts. Dinner, love notes, flattery.
Yes, all of this sounds childish and silly. BUT what you have said , and what I have get from your post is that you have STOPPED acknowledging her as a woman and have only paid attention to her as a worker, or roommate. So change that.
Start to pay attention to her as your lover and not a friend. That doesnt mean attempt sex 24-7. It just simply means to show her the attention you stated you have stopped.
It will take a while , but it will help.
Start off with ..hmm.. I dont know what to suggest because I dont know your wife, but I would go with simple things. Maybe some flowers. ?
Then after you are able to start doing that, take her out on a 'date'. just you two. Noone else.
Set some ground rules for this date. Example - no talk about children / work/ friends .. etc.. Just talk about you two. Give her the opportunity to talk to you as her husband without a councilor around and with out any other moderator.
Simple step, but it could help start a new begining.
One close friend got married and over time moved and I lost contact. The second, I do have his number. We do contact each other, but rarely. He lives a distance away, he has his family life and I have mine, but I guess his constant conversation is what I need. Although I wish he was nearby, but that is not the case which I must deal with. I will call him. My next door neighbors that we ignore, no gain/no loss, neither one of us are not interested in their friendship. Our kids have no interaction with their kids anyway. But, our Friday night friends/group are not next door, just a few houses further down.
ABE_FROMAN, you hit the nail on the head, I am NOT outgoing, responsive and I hold back sometimes when I communicate. His is one trait my wife HATES about me. But I am working on it.
I have started to do things when we met. Getting her flowers more frequently, going out together as a COUPLE, dinner, emailing her love poems, paying more attention among things. That is what she wants most to be a couple again. But I need to be careful not to overload her. We are trying. Going to NYC today, no kids. BTW kids are 14 and 10.
Sex, I had a problem making love. Would have to say slow down or stop, or I will end soon. She hates that, all women would, I hate it. But either I've managed self control or used something to 'help" me not end things early. She has no problem with my performance.
One problem with me, I don't seem to be a great conversationalist. I don't know why, just can't find things to talk about often.
Something about me... I am not a aggressive or abusive person, quite guy, I feel uncoordinated dancing, but willing to dance. She said we can practice at home together. Crowed bars is not my scene, but I have no problem going. I do enjoy outdoor things to do, beach, bicycling.
**I think that combined, my disappointment with the next door neighbors, money and my son's constant argument about things has just gotten to me. He would want more than what I would say, constant pushing for more. It has ALL broken me down and made me weaker. At the same time my wife has gotten stronger and more determined, so we went in opposite directions. And my downhill fall resulted in her getting stronger.
Ugh, at what point would one consider this depression. I feel like I need to dig myself out of a hole, then climb a huge wall to get her to love me again! We figured out the other day that since I don't have any buddies to converse with and she is my best friend, that is why I cannot let her go.
Oh, and she has offer to let me read her journal, which I know has all negative things in it about me. Should I read it?
And she has bought one for me, which I need to start.
No
Write your own journal - that will be good for you
But like you said that will contain the worst of her negative thoughts. The kind that she thinks when she's on her period and you're late at work and something's upset her and....
What she writes will likely have very little bearing on what she would ever say to you or even really means
All you would be doing is opening yourself up to a world of pain
You might want to read her journal, I kept one for a long time and let my girlfriend read it. BUT YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO HANDLE WHAT IT SAYS! It will probably be very harsh truths because when I write I typically dont think about it it just flows so it's like having a few drinks all the truth and thoughts come out. But maybe you can find out exactly what you need to do pay attention and dont get disappointed if you read negative things just pinpoint what you need to do to keep your "best friend"
Also maybe you should try writing in yours and let her see yours after awhile maybe you'll get out a thought that she had never heard you say before. Seriously try to sit down, (I write at the end of the day sort of like at the end of Doogie Howser) and write what happened that day or just start moving the pen around (free association writing)and you may find that after awhile youll just black out and look to find two pages written thats what happens to me. I am a very outwardly expressive person and I still find that I get more out in a more precise way when I write it down. When you feel you have something important (it may take a few days or weeks of writing) show her and ask her what she thinks.
Good luck
Confused&sad wrote:One close friend got married and over time moved and I lost contact. The second, I do have his number. We do contact each other, but rarely. He lives a distance away, he has his family life and I have mine, but I guess his constant conversation is what I need. Although I wish he was nearby, but that is not the case which I must deal with. I will call him. My next door neighbors that we ignore, no gain/no loss, neither one of us are not interested in their friendship. Our kids have no interaction with their kids anyway. But, our Friday night friends/group are not next door, just a few houses further down.
ABE_FROMAN, you hit the nail on the head, I am NOT outgoing, responsive and I hold back sometimes when I communicate. His is one trait my wife HATES about me. But I am working on it.
I have started to do things when we met. Getting her flowers more frequently, going out together as a COUPLE, dinner, emailing her love poems, paying more attention among things. That is what she wants most to be a couple again. But I need to be careful not to overload her. We are trying. Going to NYC today, no kids. BTW kids are 14 and 10.
Sex, I had a problem making love. Would have to say slow down or stop, or I will end soon. She hates that, all women would, I hate it. But either I've managed self control or used something to 'help" me not end things early. She has no problem with my performance.
One problem with me, I don't seem to be a great conversationalist. I don't know why, just can't find things to talk about often.
Something about me... I am not a aggressive or abusive person, quite guy, I feel uncoordinated dancing, but willing to dance. She said we can practice at home together. Crowed bars is not my scene, but I have no problem going. I do enjoy outdoor things to do, beach, bicycling.
**I think that combined, my disappointment with the next door neighbors, money and my son's constant argument about things has just gotten to me. He would want more than what I would say, constant pushing for more. It has ALL broken me down and made me weaker. At the same time my wife has gotten stronger and more determined, so we went in opposite directions. And my downhill fall resulted in her getting stronger.
Ugh, at what point would one consider this depression. I feel like I need to dig myself out of a hole, then climb a huge wall to get her to love me again! We figured out the other day that since I don't have any buddies to converse with and she is my best friend, that is why I cannot let her go.
Not that I'm a specialist in making love but you may want to slow things down by exploring each others body taking notice of each little spot that makes her excited. A gentle breath down over her stomach past her naval. The gentle use of one's tung on a certain area (I think you can follow that) can sent a woman into another world. I have found the most satisfying love making with my spouse was to use my tung and watch as every muscle in her body quivers and then she tensed up and just explodes with the most pleasure I've ever seen. It's not all about you when you make love sometimes it has to be all about her and I've found nothing better than to please my wife first then you can make the most amazing love together.
try telling her how you feel
have you spoken to her every day about how you feel? Most women work stuff out by talking. Men seem to want to fix something wile women just want to talk it out. Also have you called any of the "friends"? You need to be in contact with other people now. Sounds like she is really hurt to and now turning you away so you need to get close to someone so you can have support.
Also, if you do really need her in your life and have driven her away because of your "lack of enthusiasm", then you have to persue her like you just met. She isn't going to give you a thing now. So if you trully want her back you have to apologize and go after her like you did when you first met. No expectations just flowers & candy or whatever. If you are truly depressed then go to the doctor and get some help. After all you need to be helped to survive. All you can do now is take care of your self and try your hardest to win her over. When she sees the effort and genuine love I'll bet she won't be able to look the other way. Haven't you ever wanted something so bad you would do anything just to get it? Well do that then. But remember if you really don't want her and just want the comfort of the relationship, then don't keep her hangin. That's when you have to be brave and tell her its over. Christmas is coming so its a good time to spoil her. Suprise her with sweet nothings and put on a happy face.
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