Mr. Mom?

hmmm, i have no idea what to do. i am unfortunate in that almost everything i do in life has to be planned (well the major things). i guess i am just stressing prematurely as mr. dragon gave me 3 years (as long as he would wait from now to have kids). who knows what could happen from now until then, but being a planner, i want it all figured out now!!!

thanks for the perspective soz. what exactly is it like before they start crawling (i was under the stereotypical version that they just eat sleep and poop)? just curious since i have no experience at it.

Well, I have a terrible general case of maternal amnesia -- I can tell you anything about what it's like to raise a 4.5 year old (her current age) but the stuff before that...

What I do remember is scoffing at the idea that they just eat poop and sleep, especially in terms of the last one being so all-encompassing. I worked as a consultant from when I was ~7 months pregnant until she was about 5 months old, and what I clearly remember was that it was hell. It's genuinely hard to remember WHAT was so much work -- I know the sleep was a big part of it (getting her to sleep when she needed to), but also just attention (me sitting there pounding away at the computer was NOT entertaining and she'd voice her displeasure -- I remember sitting there trying to get some thought out while she screamed her lungs out on the blanket on the floor next to me...)

I used to run an education and placement agency and a lot of my clients were young moms. The childcare was funded by the Department of Rehabilitation, and I remember a conversation when a (male, childless) DOR counselor budgeted a smaller amount for the care of a client's baby than preschooler. He (the DOR guy) thought it was ridiculous that babycare would cost more -- that same eat sleep poop reason. Every mother in the place (and there were a lot of them) broke into incredulous laughter. It was self-evident to them that a baby was harder than a preschooler.

very interesting, i will have to ponder. of course the easy answer is if i make enough to cover all the bills, etc, then mr. dragon has no reason not to stay at home (other than he doesn't want to). i guess i will just have to bust it for however long until we have kiddies! that or win the lottery...

dragon--

A baby needs One Person At the Center. No matter how loving you are and your mother is and your husband is your baby needs one person in charge and the rest as wonderful, wonderful variety.

My boys gave up morning naps by the time they were a month old and afternoon naps by the time they were four months old. Unless you subscribe to "screaming is good for their lungs" as an acceptable theory of child rearing, count on perpetual interruptions and derailed trains of thought.

hence why mr. d should be the one to stay home. i already spoil the dog like no one else i have ever known, who knows what kind of spoiled brats i would raise if i stayed home. he is definitely the strength in our relationship, the rock. i can always count on him to make the responsible decision.

its funny because i am a huge planner on all the major decisions in our lives (like buying our house, when to have kids, etc), but when it comes to little things its all impulse. so i have a long term strategy always, but the day to day stuff is fly by my pants.

thanks everyone for all the advice, i have much to think about, and i have ruled out many options (ie-the working from home).

wish me luck on the lottery

Oh, I don't think you necessarily have to rule it out entirely (among other things, depends somewhat on what you do.) It's more just that expectations of working peacefully next to a sleeping baby are usually -- over-optimistic.

I did work from home for that stretch, it was just hard. Having a baby is plain hard (I don't want to scare you off, but these are things I wish I'd been a bit more aware of.) Will you be breastfeeding? Really hard to work full-time and breastfeed. (Possible, but hard.) You'll likely be exhausted -- stay-at-home person and baby get to catch up on sleep during the day, you have to slog through. And this is not going in to the absolutely primal physical need to be near your baby, the wrenching departure every morning.

I'm just an oracle of doom, aren't I? ;-) My overriding point is just that babies are usually much less accommodating than people expect them to be. I remember taking the baby out and she'd sleep and look sweet and people would say "Aw, she's such a good baby" and I'd be like yeah, when I take her out! That always calmed her down. And she WAS a good, laid-back baby as babies go, but babies plain require a whole lot of work.

Totally, totally worth it of course.

But a whole lotta work.

heehee, you haven't scared me off at all, i fully expected to have to change my life completely when i had a child, probably why i am waiting so long.

i do plan on breastfeeding, i watched a friend do for it for the first 6 months and work full time (the good old pump) so i figured if she could do (albeit it was challenging) i could do it.

as far as the lack of sleep i have no idea what i am going to do about that. as it is now, i sleep around 9-10 hours a night (i know it is a lot but if i sleep less i drag butt all day). so come baby time, i guess i will have to buck up!

i just keep telling myself that many people do it and do it well, i can do it too as long as i am willing to sacrifice other stuff like sleep!

Personally, I think the stay-at-home parent works more than the "working" parent. Folks at the office can take a coffee break.

Oh, the pump was the bane of my existence. I had to go to meetings and stuff as part of the whole consulting gig, I could never make that thing work as well as it was supposed to. I might have maternal amnesia, but just had a vivid flashback to huddling in the bathroom with the door closed in the early early morning, trying to make up the difference in milk needed from what I was able to get out the night before, knowing that my husband was ****ed if I didn't get enough out (we were very anti-formula so that wasn't an option), hoping that the noise of the pump didn't wake the baby, trying to relax (very similar to the famous gynecological "try to relax"), watching the flow get slower and slower and....

But you're right, people do it all the time, and I DID it, it was just difficult. As long as you realize that (as you seem to) and approach parenting with patience, creativity, and humor, you'll be fine.

Total agreement with DrewDad there.

you are so right, i agree with this completely. my mom was a stay at home mom and she definitely worked harder than my dad. i should have said, because she works outside the home and you don't (and you are stuck home speaking baby language all day with smelly diapers watching large purple dinosaurs ).

oh yes the pump. i have heard they hurt as well. and i am glad to hear you survived it.

i am a securities analyst and portfolio manager, so i have to pay attention to the market everyday. don't know how it would go being home with a crying baby. i am pretty much ok if i have a computer and TV "theoretically" but who knows with a baby hanging out next to me.

Re: Mr. Mom?

I would.

I'm scared to death that I'll eventually be with someone who insists on being a full-time Mum, and oh Nimh you're the man, so you're supposed to have the 50 hrs a week office-career to earn enough money for all of us. Unhuh. I wanna spend time being a daddie. You get a career.

Then again, Boom is right, I probably dont know what I'd be getting myself into.

What about just 50/50? All the trends are pointing into more part-time work (here, at least - I mean, in Western Europe) - its also what most people would prefer, polls say. But then there's the new government and the business tycoons telling us we should work longer weeks, instead. They do still have housewives, I presume.

Hi Dragon,

12 years ago, when my youngest daughter was one, I decided to go back to work as a home based consultant. I had been a stay-at-home mom, working just every other weekend in a hospital, for the previous three years. I arranged for a neighbor to watch my girls two days a week so that I could go on-site for meetings, etc. I thought I would be able to work at home for the other three days. It worked beautifully except my work day was from 5:00 - 7:00 am, 3:00 - 5:00 pm, and 7:00 - 10:00 pm. I enjoyed my kids during their waking hours in the daytime, my husband enjoyed them in the evening. Even though I was working almost full time, the only days I could get a regular workday were the days they went to the neighbor's. Once they started school I switched my hours to 9:00 - 3:00 M-F and other hours as needed. I'm still doing it today.

It can work, but the idea of putting in a regular 8 hour day and taking care of your children at the same time would be difficult.

hmm, i dont know that part time work for both of us is an option. one of us has to have health benefits and since private insurance is quite expensive, and company benefits come out pretax, full time work for one is a must i think. maybe there is some one out there that has done it?

well all, i was a stay at home dad for the first year of my sons life. I was not a "mr mom." mr mom was an idiot character played by michael keaton who had no clue on how to operate in a domestic environment. I did all the domestic chores and that incuded dinner being at least started. My wife had the full time job. As much aggrevasion as there was and as rewarding as it was, i would have rather slit my wrist then do that again. The were good times and i would not give one minute of it back. Some people are cut out for it. I personally would much rather not. My wife desires to stay how with the kids. When i get back from my military mission, I hope that I do have the job that will allow her to do it.

My :

IMO, the 49% who said yes means really: "I am overstressed by the fact that I HAVE to work full time, and the woman often has an option", or simply "I am overstressed by work" (and they don't know what they'd be getting into, as it accurately was said).

Societal support for stay at home dads is key. In my society there is none: "Stay-at-home dad = unemployed bum". There's one in my daughter's class and several moms say he's a drunkard, which he isn't.

My social reality is also different from Europe's.
Nimh wrote: "What about just 50/50? All the trends are pointing into more part-time work (here, at least - I mean, in Western Europe)".
Well, that can happen when wages can let you do that. Not here, except for exceptional circumpstances (I was lucky to enjoy them for a couple of years when my boys were very young).

well, i think mr. d would go back to working part time once the kids went to school. however, i would want someone home when the left the house in the morning and when they got home in the afternoon.

i think your comment about men just being stressed is what i am worried about. he has said to me numerous times, well then i would have more time for golf, just put the car seat in the cart with me... yeah, that's gonna happen...

The more intelligent the baby, the more inconvenient the baby.

This is gospel truth.

so i just found this article now...

Married Men make more when wife does all the chores

how funny. i wonder if it works in reverse...

The 49% strikes me as ridiculously high. I tend to agree with Fbaezer that the majority of men in this sample are dreamers who are tired of working in the marketplace.

Babies are HEAVY work. I was never solely responsible for the care of our daughters for more than three weeks (my wife's longest business trip), but I learned rapidly that, even with a "good" baby, the stay-at-home parent has almost no time to himself/herself. In fact, when I tried to make time for myself, it wasn't worth it, because my attention was necessarily split. You can't plan to read a book during naptime, because you cannot predict how long a baby will be down and quiet. Whenever I'd try to plan ahead, I'd find myself unfairly resenting the baby's natural place at the center of my world. Even with a baby who had something of a schedule and was easygoing, I had to be ready to react if she needed me, whenever that was. My best strategy was to try to forget myself and simply enjoy the baby; then, there would be surprising moments of peace, for which I'd be very grateful! Another good move was to put my daughter into her stroller and walk for miles. We both loved that. Typically, she would doze off, and I could think, at the same time having the pleasure of being close to my child.

My wife was able to be a stay-at-home mom until our younger daughter was four. I don't know how she did it! She'll have my admiration forever. When my wife would return from a trip during which I had been a full-time dad, I was PATHETICALLY glad to see her.

As someone mentioned earlier, I never regretted the time I had alone with my kids. And there were fun times and happy memories, BUT babies are a whole lot of work.

I do not see child-rearing as either women's work or men's work. To my mind, it works best as a team effort. My mother was a single parent who never remarried, but she arranged for my father and other guys to spend plenty of time with me. Divorce is never a great situation, but I had more adult friends than any kid I knew! I truly believe that a child needs a variety of caregivers.

There are definitely men out there who could be successful full-time stay-at-home dads--and I admire them greatly--but I'm not one, and I think the figure of 49% is total baloney.