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Discipline

 
 
Mombeth
 
Reply Mon 4 Nov, 2019 09:52 pm
How does any of you discipline a 18 yrs old daughter?
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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 384 • Replies: 28

 
maxdancona
 
  3  
Reply Mon 4 Nov, 2019 10:13 pm
@Mombeth,
An 18 year old is an adult. You dont discipline an adult.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 07:32 am
What is she doing that you feel she needs discipline?
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 07:54 am
@maxdancona,
maxdancona wrote:

An 18 year old is an adult. You dont discipline an adult.



Not if they live in your home and you support the teen. They break a house rule and yes they should be appropriately punished. Now being 18 if the 18 year old does not like that - they are free to move out. In reality many of these 18 year olds are still in high school - so although "legally" an adult - most 18 year old high schoolers are not mentally adults.

For someone that age - (similar to most kids) the punishment should fit the crime. If the 18 year old wen tout drinking for instance (being under age) - you can punish but not allowing them to drive the car (maybe except for work/school) or not going out with friends for two weeks; take a phone away, no video games, etc.

Another type - have them clean the house for you, paint a room, clean out the basement --- I like the something constructive type of thing because you get a benefit from it and it teaches them good old hard work while having them appreciate what you as a parent, probably do all the time.

A lot of this is dependent of the "crime", the teen, and what would have an impact.

If they give you any jaw - just tell them they are free to leave, you won't do their laundry, allow them to use your car, pay their phone bill, pay their car insurance, cook for them, clean for them, etc. Anything that you are currently doing for them.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 08:32 am
@Linkat,
I do think that at 18, it is more a discussion of consequences than punishment, more of "this is the bargain, you uphold your end, I uphold mine". I also think that some things like curfews and dinner times change for young adults. It becomes more of "let us know if you are going to be out late or miss dinner" than "be home or you are grounded."
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 09:33 am
@engineer,
When I was 18, I was on my own. I had roomates with whom I had to negotiate responsibilities and learn to live with. I didn't have anyone to punish me.

I suppose I agree with your distinction between punishment and consequences. When my kids turn 18 they are responsible for their own lives away from the house. Of course I expect them to have respect and ahare responsibility while they are in my house...but that is no different than any other adult roommate.

I am trying to remember the last time I have punished my teenage daughter (not yet 18)... I honestly dont remember.

I expect her to do her house responsibilities, but that is negotiated for internet use. As kids get older there is less punishment and more guidance and negotiation.

I cant imagine punishing an 18 year old. If someone tried to punish me as an adult, I would consider my options and move out if necesary.

.... which, come to think about it, is exactly what I did.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 09:37 am
@engineer,
engineer wrote:

I do think that at 18, it is more a discussion of consequences than punishment, more of "this is the bargain, you uphold your end, I uphold mine". I also think that some things like curfews and dinner times change for young adults. It becomes more of "let us know if you are going to be out late or miss dinner" than "be home or you are grounded."


Not while they are still in high school - I disagree.

I do agree on more of a discussion - but what you are talking about is "punishment" just worded differently. If the agreement is no alcohol and if you get caught with it in the house, then no friends over - what is the difference? It is a punishment just worded differently.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 09:48 am
@maxdancona,
maxdancona wrote:

When I was 18, I was on my own. I had roomates with whom I had to negotiate responsibilities and learn to live with. I didn't have anyone to punish me.
negotiation.


And that was my other point - they as being an 18 year old have the option of moving out if they do not want to live by their parents rule.

In part some of this depends on other factors - are they still in high school? Are they dependent on the parents? The more they are independent, the more it is more on the 18 year old sholders.

If the 18 year old for example does not own their car for example and are caught spending where they cannot pay the ticket because they are still in high school - then it is completely appropriate for the parents to take the car away from them.

If the 18 year old is failing classes in high school because they stay up all night playing video games then it is completely appropriate for the parents to take the game away.

izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 09:50 am
@Mombeth,
Discipline starts from the cradle. If you do it right there's no need when they reach adulthood because they'll have self discipline.

My kids have always done what they've been told, but that might be because I don't ask them to do a huge amount.

Broad rule of thumb is taking away privileges/treats works best. If your daughter is 18 and still living at home I'm sure there's some major purchases she wants. Make things like that conditional on behaviour, otherwise she does without.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 09:54 am
@Linkat,
I definitely disagree with your last example. Once your kid is an adult (whether in high school or not) their grades are not your concern. You had eighteen years to instill a work ethic.... if they dont have one at 18, it is time to give it up.

Anyone who uses my car needs to respect my rules, or I wont let them. This isnt any different for any adult.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 10:12 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

If the 18 year old is failing classes in high school because they stay up all night playing video games then it is completely appropriate for the parents to take the game away.




In this situation the 18 year should have been spoken to about the dangers of video games long before it reached that point.

How do you know the video game is the problem? It could be a symptom of something much worse and they're using the video game as a coping method. Taking the game away could make matters a lot worse.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 10:39 am
@maxdancona,
maxdancona wrote:

I definitely disagree with your last example. Once your kid is an adult (whether in high school or not) their grades are not your concern. You had eighteen years to instill a work ethic.... if they dont have one at 18, it is time to give it up.

Anyone who uses my car needs to respect my rules, or I wont let them. This isnt any different for any adult.


I disagree again - at least in the US - you as a parent are responsible - even in college. The college bills comes to the parents -- even the FASA (a federal government form) is filled out mostly by the parent and details all the parent's income. The college addresses the bills to the parent of...." If I am financially responsible then I have the right to discipline on grades. If my daughter in college were doing poorly - I would not pay for her college and she would need to drop out - that is how I control the grades.

While they are in high school, even the public high schools recognize that the 18 year old child is the parent's responsibility. They cannot be dismissed on their own even at 18 without the parent's permission. A parent can sign something to the school saying the child can dismiss themselves at 18, but the school will not do so unless a parent signs this. I have a 17 year old and a 21 year old - so I am well versed on both the legality of the financial aid process and the public high school process at 18 been through it.

I agree you need to instill this throughout their life and that is most likely why I have no issues with college. But the threat is always there - if her grades are not up to par we will not pay. So yes it is my concern since I am financially obligated per the federal government.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 10:42 am
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

Linkat wrote:

If the 18 year old is failing classes in high school because they stay up all night playing video games then it is completely appropriate for the parents to take the game away.




In this situation the 18 year should have been spoken to about the dangers of video games long before it reached that point.

How do you know the video game is the problem? It could be a symptom of something much worse and they're using the video game as a coping method. Taking the game away could make matters a lot worse.


Duh - I am giving that as an example. My kids actually do not play video games -we have a video game console sitting in the basement. What I am giving as an example is if this is what is causing the issue you take it away. You are over complicating a simple example for the sake of argument.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 10:51 am
And just to add none of these examples of discipline I fortunately have not had on my child that is over 18. As many have said you teach your child all along so as they go live on their own they are capable of handling these things.

However, if you are financially assisting your children - like paying for college, you have a say in it. They say in it is - you can financially take away college. If when they come home over vacation (summer, Christmas, so forth) - you have rules such as no drinking in the house, no doing drugs, you need to have a summer job, etc. and as I stated they are financially dependent on you - they break such a rule, you take a car away -since they don't own it- I mean you would do this if you had an irresponsible sister you let borrow your car and find she is driving it drunk; no different. Again this is an example for those that want to complicate it.

Also there are kids that have had parents teach them and guide them and instill in them grades are important, certain behavior is important and they go off to college and use it as a time to party. The parents pay thousands of dollars, even with scholarships, etc. and the kids pisses it away and fails - my brother did that. Failed everything. Guess what - the gravy train ended and no more school - he had to go get a job.

That is how you punish a 18+.

0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 11:23 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

Duh - I am giving that as an example.


That was obvious, but examples should have some relationship with the real world, and the real world isn't black and white.

I know you were trying to find a very simple example to prove your point, but life doesn't tend to be that simple, (even if you do need to say duh all the time.)
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 12:08 pm
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
And that was my other point - they as being an 18 year old have the option of moving out if they do not want to live by their parents rule.

In part some of this depends on other factors - are they still in high school? Are they dependent on the parents? The more they are independent, the more it is more on the 18 year old sholders.

If the 18 year old for example does not own their car for example and are caught spending where they cannot pay the ticket because they are still in high school - then it is completely appropriate for the parents to take the car away from them.

If the 18 year old is failing classes in high school because they stay up all night playing video games then it is completely appropriate for the parents to take the game away.


I disagree. They may have an "option" to leave on their own but break my rules and that "option" now becomes a reality -- GET OUT.

Your example that an 18 yr old borrows my car and gets a speeding ticket and can't pay for it - only shows lack of parenting skills to make sure the child is ready and accepts the responsibility. You say take the car away, I say you were irresponsible to hand over a set of keys to begin with. It isn't a two week suspension, it's a forever banishment until they purchase their own car & buy their own insurance. If they get a ticket, that's on them, not me.

If an 18 yr old fails, they fail. In high school, failing one class isn't going to kill them, they'll still graduate. In college, fail a class, make no difference to me or my GPA. FAFSA filing is dependent on a parent's income, but the student is the responsible party to pay it back. So again, if they fail, they're the one who has to re-take the class and pay twice. I'm not taking anything away especially a video game, it's not my job as a parent to do that.

I refuse to succumb to coddling an adult.

Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 12:26 pm
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:

I disagree. They may have an "option" to leave on their own but break my rules and that "option" now becomes a reality -- GET OUT.


Exactly that is what I said - maybe in a different way - but it is the same result.

neptuneblue wrote:

Your example that an 18 yr old borrows my car and gets a speeding ticket and can't pay for it - only shows lack of parenting skills to make sure the child is ready and accepts the responsibility. You say take the car away, I say you were irresponsible to hand over a set of keys to begin with. It isn't a two week suspension, it's a forever banishment until they purchase their own car & buy their own insurance. If they get a ticket, that's on them, not me.


You do not live in reality. Have you ever drove over the speed limit? Have you ever gotten stopped or got a ticket?

I said to take the car away - I did not say to what extent - you also do not know the situation - was it a speed trap? I have never in my life gotten a speeding ticket at over 55 I did - it was a speed trap - set intentionally for out of state drivers - where the speed limit was 70 and went quickly down to 50 in an area I had never driven in before.

Meaning - you might take the car away for ever if it was reckless driving - if it was driving 5 miles over the speed limit - then it would some other infraction. So you really cannot say whether it is a mistake or whether it was reckless.

Have your children always been perfect; have they never done anything wrong? If not, then it only shows lack of parenting skills for what your child has done wrong.

Reality is a child, young adult and even and older person makes mistakes and it is not necessarily because of lack of parenting skills. If so all parents would be guilty.

neptuneblue wrote:

If an 18 yr old fails, they fail. In high school, failing one class isn't going to kill them, they'll still graduate. In college, fail a class, make no difference to me or my GPA. FAFSA filing is dependent on a parent's income, but the student is the responsible party to pay it back. So again, if they fail, they're the one who has to re-take the class and pay twice. I'm not taking anything away especially a video game, it's not my job as a parent to do that.

I refuse to succumb to coddling an adult.


You are incorrect on the paying back - the bill comes to the parent - the only thing that the student is responsible for paying back are any loans. Not current tuition.

My child is in college currently I have working knowledge of it. If I do not pay the bill my daughter is kicked out of school - they do not go looking for her to pay - it goes on my credit.

And you are also wrong about failing a class in high school - there are many classes that are required to pass - you will not graduate if you do not successfully complete that class - believe me I also know this as one of my other brothers did not graduate as a result of that.

And for college failing a class - my younger brother failed everyone - wonder what that does to your gpa? Failing does impact your GPA, and in college you are required to have a certain number of credits - if you fail a class - yes it effects you. You need to make up that credit elsewhere and the failed class is still figured in your gpa. GPAs themselves count for getting scholarships, keeping scholarships and getting a job. Yes - you put your gpa on your resume for your first job - if you do not the potential employer will assume (rightly so) that your gpa is sub-par otherwise you would put that on your resume - again I have working knowledge as being in a position to review resumes for potential hires.

So although I agree with your saying not to coddle a failing adult - which I say their punishment from you as a parent is to no longer pay for college.

The video game reference was to a high school student in your home at the age of 18. You stop the failing by taking away what is distracting them. That may or may not be solution - this is under the assumption that the video game is what is causing the distracting and not something deeper -- you ok with that izzy?
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 12:28 pm
I think Punky did it best by asking what the infraction was?

Sorry for the diversion - some people can be so knit picky when you are just trying to give some off the cuff examples.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 12:39 pm
@Linkat,
I do live in reality, I haven't gotten a ticket since 2011, and guess what? I paid it. My son, at 16, got a speeding ticket in my car going to work after school. Guess what? He paid it! Imagine that!

My kids, at 22 & 18 both attend college. We sat down & filled out the FAFSA together. However, their student loans are THEIR student loans, not mine. Maybe you have a different set up than the Stafford Loan, I don't know. Their GPA is theirs to handle, or mis-handle if they choose. It's their right as an adult. Video games is not the issue, self reliance is. Taking away an adult's right to choose whatever they choose, is wrong to me.

izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Nov, 2019 01:22 pm
@Linkat,
I wasn't being picky, you were trying to oversimplify a situation. I was pointing out what the consequences of such action could be in the real world.

I agree with most of what Neptune Blue said, at least as far as my oldest is concerned. He does what he wants, a lot of which happens to coincide with what I want so it's quite easy.

He pays his way, does lots of organising for me, left to my own devices I wouldn't have Roger Mellie as an avatar. We get on, but he's an adult who makes his own decisions.

My youngest is 20 and he's autistic which means in many ways he still is like a child. He's becoming more independent but I still have to sort a lot of stuff out for him. And if I'm not doing it for him his brother is.
 

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