How we should approach our daughter?

I think spanking a 12 year old is NOT the way to discipline. There's nothing I would be able to tell you that would change your mind that you think it's OK to beat a child.

Go to counseling to see how to discipline teenagers.

Wow, you have got this so wrong. You hold your daughter down and beat her with a belt and then you're surprised that she rebels. If I was her I would have called the police or child protection services that day. You say your husband doesn't like to use force with your kids - but he likes to beat them!? Physically abusing and humiliating a twelve year old is not the way to win their trust and respect. Personally I think you've left it too late. If you had started talking and more importantly listening to your kids from day one you wouldn't have this problem.
Tell her you are very sorry and admit that what you did was very very wrong. Then listen to her and together work out a plan regarding the discipline issues you have.... for example, come to a compromise about when she's allowed out with her friends, how much she time she should spend on her homework or whatever the problems are. Agree to respect each other rather than demanding she respects you and not 'talk back' . If you need to draw boundaries that she isn't happy with - tell her why they are there (eg for her safety - not just because you said so, she isn't a 4 year old) Then keep listening to her... she is not your enemy and the more you try to tie her down the more you are likely to lose her for good. These are just my suggestions and it might be too late ... you probably need professional help. And as punkey said, you definitely do if you are not prepared to stop abusing your daughter. I wish her luck.

Hitting children only builds up resentment, as your case proves.

The best way to coerce children is to withdraw a privilege, promise your daughter a treat, something you know she really wants. Something 3-6 months in the future, then if you her to behave tell her she won't go to the Justin Bieber concert, or whatever it is, if she doesn't pull her finger out.

Little things like not taking her to the mall, allowing her friends round, pocket money, or having ice cream in the house all work too.

Why don't you try to spank her?
2 - 3 times a week, at least.

That's quite a posting history for one day.

I know, right? I've got a sore butt just listening to him.

If you pull his pants down and hold him in place, I'll spank him. According to his philosophy, that should straighten him out.

All of the sane people are in agreement here. It is very clear that spanking is not working for you and your daughter. In my experience, spanking is not likely to work on any 12 year old. They are old enough that they will rebel... if someone hit you to force you to do something, you would fight back the same way. Your daughter is acting like a normal person.

First of all, I strongly recommend that you get family therapy for you and for your daughter. Very clearly, the relationship of respect has broken down between you. A therapist will help you build back the respect. Of any advice I could give, this is the most important.

As a child enters into the teen years, the relationship between them and their parents changes... it has to change. The child knows that they have to switch from kid... to adult. Independence is part of this, and experimentation and even rebellion are perfectly normal.

In a healthy family, there is a relationship of respect and trust between the child and the parent that continues through this period. It sounds like this has broken down. You don't build respect and trust through discipline. You build it through communication and consistency.

I have raised two sons (now adults) and now have a preteen daughter. When my preteen screws up, any discipline is mostly symbolic. I take away screen time, but it doesn't need to be much. Because I have a good relationship with my kids... the message (this is unacceptable) is more important in changing their behavior than the punishment.

My daughter and I have a list of things that are issues (i.e. getting up in the morning on time for school and doing homework). Each of these issues comes with a consequence (a loss of screen time). My daughter and I talk a lot about what is fair, and sometimes she wants to change the rules... because I respect her and am willing to negotiate she also respects me and this works pretty well. Each of my sons were different, but the process is the same. You talk through issues, set limits and agree on consequences. Then you stick to them.

The physical fights you are having are not at all helpful and are hurting your relationship with your kid.

Again... a family therapist would likely help a lot.

This is an f***ing 4 year old thread! Damn.

Yeah, but we could take turns, you know.

So it is. Doesn't that make you wonder how long ol' Tanjabg had to look for it before dropping his useful advice in the middle of it?

Spanking and discipline tags, I'd guess.

And yeah, that's quite the mission in life, to go on the internet and tell everyone to whack their kids.

I would spank her as I did with my daughters.