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Thu 16 Jun, 2005 08:11 pm
I will make it short and sweet (hopefully) I have a 5 year old from a previous marriage which ended when the baby was only 4months. I met my new husband and have almost been married a year. He knew my dream of having another child and he shared in that dream - I thought anyway. He claims now after the third time of saying yes/no I dont want to be a dad, his finaly decision is no he doesnt want to be a dad. He claims I cant handle the stress! He insist why cant we be happy with the little one I have. I love my child to death but I also wanted that dream to have his child and now its gone. What do I do? I am 35, the clock is ticking. I love him more than anything but we dont share that same dream. He made a promise to me, our dream and poof gone. One day its yes I want a child (is that to please me) then the next NO. He told me he would love to hold his child but he doesnt like the thought of stress - is this a sign i am missing - Its me he doesnt want to have a child with. Do I walk? Please some advice - the tears are falling
It doesn't seem like a sign, it seems pretty straightforward. Having a child IS a lot of work and a lot of stress. His fears are reasonable.
I think I would suggest just laying out for him why you think it would work -- how you would handle it, whether you'd stop working if you work now, when you'd go back to work, whether you'd do daycare, whether you have people in the area (parents, friends) who could help with childcare, etc., etc. Make the case.
After you've made your strongest case, see what he has to say. If his answer is still no, you'll have a hard decision to make about just how important having another child is to you.
which wud u regret more? not having a second child or leaving this man? not now obviously but in years to come. u have a healthy little child which he seems to have taken on as his own. u wnt change his mind though so u need to decide if ur love for a second child is bigger than your love for him. if so, then u no wot to do.
u also dnt say how old ur husband is but maybe he doesnt feel ready to have his own child. obviously no one knows bout his childhood on here but maybe that has somethin to do with it, like he doesnt want u to end up stressed and hating him. i dnt think its that he doesnt want ur baby, he wudnt b with u if he didnt want u. sounds more like he just isnt sure if he is ready for his own child.
My husband is 36 btw. Thank you both for your input, greatly appreciated. I strongly want another child, especially his. I guess its so hard because he has told me several times yes we will have a child then I bring it up and BAM its a no again. I am being torn in two directions and the hardest part is we arent even talking now. Once again thanks for the support
What was his experience with children before your marriage? Maybe living with a four year old, even one he loves, has shown him he isn't up to the task of being a parent to another child and starting over with a baby. If he isn't up to it, then do not push him into parenthood. You'll find yourself the single parent of two children.
Some men don't want to be fathers. They want to have a wife, but are unable to give enough of themselves to be a parent. He might have been telling you the truth before. Perhaps he did want to share a child with you. He's also probably telling you the truth now. His previous wishes are no longer true. I think he's had a big dose of parenting reality and doesn't want to start the 18 year clock over again.
Good luck. I hope you get your feelings sorted out, but I seriously would not have a child with this man.
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