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What is wrong with me? Please HELP!

 
 
Reply Fri 25 Oct, 2019 01:33 pm
I get angry when someone doesn’t believe my story or my version of what happened, but sometimes when they don’t believe me I know that I am lying, but I still get angry with them for not believing me to begin with.

Why do I get angry when people won’t trust me, even though I am, in fact, lying?

What I want most, is for people to believe me and to let my version of what happened be enough for them to not question things further. Which obviously comes with time and being trustworthy.

I realize I’ve done things with my life to ruin people’s trust in me. I own that. But when it plays out, it always puts me through the same cycle emotionally and psychologically, and I want to figure this out.

I know if I am lying that I am wrong. I cognitively know these things. And I know I lie to cover up things that I shouldn’t lie about. I own all of this.

So, that being said, why is it that when I am finally telling the truth, and people who are generally reasonable and forgiving of me, and who claim to love me, don’t believe me, even though I am actually telling the truth, my reaction is always ANGER?

Why isn’t my reaction to understand their feeling of not trusting me, and needing more information?

Do you understand what I am actually asking here?

If I know I am a liar. And I know I am untrustworthy more often than I should be, then why can I not be patient and understanding with people who doubt me if I truly care about them? I’m beginning to think I truly have something wrong with me. Because I care deeply for the people I get angry at for not trusting me. I know that sounds stupid, as I also say I lie to them. (How could I love and care deeply for them if I, in fact, lie to them, right?) But I do!

I have even begun to bother myself with feelings of “enjoyment” surrounding the hiding of the things from people I hold most dear. That has to be rooted in some other problem, right? That can’t be from a healthy place pyschologicaly, can it?

I will give you the silliest of examples which makes me out to be almost childlike but it illustrates my point, so bare with me.

I cheated on my boyfriend. I know this happened and I am not delusional about it. I know he’d be upset to find out. So when I confessed to him I told him the most minimal version of the truth possible. Sparing him the core details of exactly how far I went with this other man. I made it seem like I was drinking too much and that I regretted it in the middle of things and that I backed out at the last minute and didn’t go through with the sex all the way. I made myself out to be the good girl who grew a conscious and fled the scene in the middle of everything. I did confess to me and the other man touching inappropriately and making out, but I specifically lied about going all the way because I knew how hard that would be for my boyfriend to hear and get over easily.

What I learned by going all the way through with it was that I really loved my boyfriend and wanted him to be the sole focus of everything for me and I wanted him to never be distracted by my idiotic actions since I was certain now that I loved him and wanted to be with him only forever. I felt like if I told him the full truth he could leave me forever for what I actually did do, and he’d never understand how I felt for him.

Of course, as I type it here, I can see how wrong it all is. But this is just the truthful recounting of it all for you to be able to advise me accordingly.

So, I then confessed to him this other version of the story to spare his feelings and allow us to continue being happily together. I knew he may not fully believe my story, but I decided to stick with it.

But here is the part I never understand about myself. WHY IS IT that when he doesn’t fully believe my story, because he knows me well enough to mentally poke holes in my story, and so he has to do his own little Sherlock Holmes to prove to himself what is true and not true, that I get so angry with him that I cannot see straight?

I am literally playing out complete hypocrisy in front of me, and yet it still angers me!!

We have a relationship that is built on the amount of LIKE we have for each other, versus the amount of TRUST we have for each other, and therefore it’s a different relationship all together. I get that. But why can I never come to the realization NATURALLY and EASILY that when I tell a bold LIE, a LIE that I know I am telling ahead of time, that if my boyfriend chooses in his mind to say he believes me, then leaves that with troubling thoughts that he doesn’t actually believe me and needs to figure it all out for himself and decide if he can live with it all… WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME ANGRY?

Basically, what I am asking is this. Why as a grown person, who knows right from wrong, do I get angry at the person I love most, for actually being able to know when I am lying to him?

Because we even had an argument once and the said something that I had to agree with. He said, “So basically you are not angry at me for doubting you, you are angry at me for not keeping that doubt to myself and letting you know about it, right?” And I had to say yes.

And even typing this out to you all now I see how silly it all sounds.

He called me on the truth and I admitted it. I don’t care if he actually doubts my stories, but I want him to operate like everything I say is true. Which, if I know I am lying, and he knows I am lying, and I am asking him to pretend like I am not lying since I am pretending like I am not lying, in order to convince myself of this false-truth I would prefer to BE TRUE, then I am clearly the delusional one in the mix, right? And I can see that for sure… So if I can see on paper how wrong I am, and I can see on paper how unreasonable it is to ask my lover and man who I like the most to do this for me, then what the hell is wrong with me?

Am I a pathological liar? Am an addict of some kind? Am a narcissist personality disorder? What is it that I have that is wrong with me that allows me to see all this happening and yet not be motivated psychologically or emotionally to change any of it???

I am truly perplexed.

Please help me understand myself. Can anyone else relate to this? Is anyone else similar to me?
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Oct, 2019 01:45 pm
Some people (children and adults) get mad when they get discovered with their hand in the cookie jar. They don't like being found out and do “reverse blame.”

Seek counseling for this issue . Your BF is going to take only so much.
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vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Oct, 2019 02:13 pm
@LindaWallace,
There are plenty of people who engage in self destructive behaviours.

Usually (not always) it stems back to some form of previous trauma, often from early in their life, but sometimes later if they've been sheltered. Often (not always) it is caused by the person wanting love but not feeling worthy of love (eg. due to the previous trauma, which they often blame themselves for). Usually only counselling can sort through these issues.

If you note the amount of 'usually's thrown in there, that is because there can be multiple causes, and the only way to identify it is to sit down and talk through it with someone.

Psychologists are best qualified to assist you, not just in identifying the root cause, but in how to overcome behaviours that are becoming / have become ingrained.
LindaWallace
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Oct, 2019 02:35 pm
@vikorr,
These are extremely helpful insights.

I often think back on memories from my childhood and can never make them concrete, but I have vague, strange memories of what feels like mild sexual abuse NOW as an adult. But even as an adult, my memory of it, as vague as it seems, has always had a form of pleasure surrounding it.

Is there such thing as sexual abuse, where the one being abused possibly enjoyed it? And it feels like my vagueness and confusion stems from the feelings now that I enjoyed the sexual abuse as a young person, and now seem to enjoy that type of sexual behavior so much it always feels odd to me.

My BF and I have such an electric sexual chemistry in these areas and I've even tried to explore some of this with him and I cannot ever make the memories become concrete. He suggested I maybe even be hypnotized possibly.

I know there is something mentally going on with me that interrupts the flow of it all from being "healthy" if that makes sense.

I know my father was not loving and created a lot of problems for me as a youth that I have dealt with emotionally (or so I always thought.) These would be things like severe favoritism of my middle sister over me and making me feel inferior to her. Also, he left my mother when I was ten, and of the sisters I am the one MOST like my mother so it was always hard to watch my middle sister receive the doting treatment from him while knowing I was exactly like my mother who he seemed to have a distaste for and left.

However, my father and I have been reacquanted for years and those wounds I assumed were mostly healed... but maybe they rear their head in unknown ways from earlier trauma caused by the initial effects of them.

I know I lie. I know I get angry when people won't believe me. I know I can quickly feel unworthy of other's love and affection even though my BF attempts to lavish me with affection. He has said before he is sometimes hurt by the sense that he knows the way he loves me and forgives me "should" be "enough" for me, and he sees in my behaviors that it obviously is never "enough" for me.

And I actually agree with him. I know I love him. I know he should be enough for me. It's not that I don't love him fully and more than any other human I've ever encountered... I know I do, and yet, somehow I cannot make myself tell my brain it's "enough."

You are right, I think talking to someone professionally is long overdue.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Oct, 2019 09:52 pm
@LindaWallace,
Quote:
Is there such thing as sexual abuse, where the one being abused possibly enjoyed it?
Your question is ambiguous (it can have two meanings).

Your body has a lot of pleasure receptors. Sexual assault victims can find the pleasure receptors of their body responding (some take to mean 'enjoying it') , without them wanting to be sexually assaulted (not enjoying it). You cannot consciously control such the first, and it is the latter that matters, and results (possibly) in where you are today.

There are plenty of people on the internet who have gone through similar trauma. You only need start doing some searches.

Quote:
I know my father was not loving and created a lot of problems for me as a youth that I have dealt with emotionally (or so I always thought.) These would be things like severe favoritism of my middle sister over me and making me feel inferior to her. Also, he left my mother when I was ten, and of the sisters I am the one MOST like my mother so it was always hard to watch my middle sister receive the doting treatment from him while knowing I was exactly like my mother who he seemed to have a distaste for and left.
This sort of behaviour towards children has the possibility of damaging children, even into adulthood. Again - best talked out with a psychologist who can explore every aspect of it (for example, if as a child you often lied to your father to obtain his approval, but he saw through you - you have reason just here for now lying, while also hating being disbelieved)

I'd honestly tell your family doctor (they have likely heard much, much more problematic problems than yours), and ask whether or not they know of any government sponsored counselling sessions available with a psychologist. Or if you are sufficiently financial, seek recommendations and book an appointment with one.
LindaWallace
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Oct, 2019 03:04 pm
@vikorr,
In regards to your question about my two meanings... I mean that I find myself in today's world, with sexual experiences, feeling enjoyment sexually from things that - if a regular person witnessed happening, could appear to be abusive.

I get sexually aroused, and seek out times with my boyfriend in which he is roleplaying rape. Of course, I don't want to be actually raped, at least I say that in my brain, but I ask him to do things like wake up while I am asleep and penetrate me so I can wake up exhilarated from feeling taken advantage of.

I want my boyfriend to act upon all his male impulses in such a way that I am not able to stop him at all... that's how I feel most turned on sexually.

I am curious if my desires for this came from a healthy place, or from being abused as a kid and now sometimes I just have that abusive emotional recall firing in my brain in a way that feels pleasing to me somehow.

Of course I know a woman can be abused and raped and not want the experience to happen but her body is orgasming or similar. That's not what I meant. I meant, I seek out those types of experiences with my boyfriend, whom I trust.
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