Need some advice- wife says she is leaving me

It doesn't seem like there is any particular reason to hurry her out of the house.

The last part could be more significant than you realize -- that you got married so young, that she just finished her first year of grad school. I know many people (IRL and who have posted here) whose marriages have broken up for just that reason. They get married too young, one or the other of them feels like they missed out or they have been too dependent, and they strike out on their own -- all without depression entering into the picture.

I'm glad you already have someone to talk to, as that would be my main suggestion if you didn't. I'm not sure if there's much you can do except go with your new focus and excitement and control what you can control -- improving your own life -- and see what happens with your wife.

Good luck.

Not to sound pessimistic, but it seems that this decision has been on her mind for quite some time. I think she has been unsatisfied for many years, and with all the commotion the past three years it's a lot easier for her to step out of the relationship at this point.

I'm only saying this because if you were married to someone twelve years and were able to turn the relationship off like a light-bulb, than she either has extreme emotional control... or it has been building.

The best you can do is try and turn your life around as fast as possible. That is if you truly love this woman, but just make sure you change your life because you want to be a better person and not because you're afraid to lose her...

Well my wife and I were very happy for the 1st 9 years of our marriage. Things did not start to go down hill until 3 years ago after the incident I was involved in but 3 years is still a long time to be unhappy.

Unfortunately, my current psychologist was not a good one. He never even encouraged me to bring my wife to some of the sessions which I have learned from reading various medical sites that your wife being involved in the sessions is vitally important. He also did not really give me advice on how to break the depression I was in. Im scheduled to meet with a psychiatrist this week and she will also be my primary physician. Heard she worked wonders from another officer who was involved in a critical incident as I was so I am looking forward to meeting her.

On another note, I failed to mention above that my wife does not handle stress very well and she came under alot of stress starting 2 months ago. Grad school was getting real hard. She was having problems at work where she is a waitress and works 3 nights each week, she found out her father is being deployed to Afghanistan ( only men in her life are really her father and I, she does not have any brothers), plus my lack of emotional support had been taking a toll on her. She says these other factors had nothing to with her decision to leave but I have a hard time believing that. What does not make sense is how is she going to support herself while in school next year. Working 3 shifts a week seemed too much for her and now she will have to work 5 shifts a week to be able to pay bills if she moves into her own place. In addition, she has not been taking care of herself. She has been drinking more and staying out late after her workshifts, not exercising, and not getting enough sleep.

She left for Arizona last week to visit her father along with the rest of the family before he leaves for Afghanistan tomorrow. Prior to heading out there, she again made it clear she was leaving when she returned home which is this Wed. What is weird is she has called me every day being real nice and talkative, even bought me some gifts. Yesterday, I asked her if she was feeling different about me. She started crying and said I still love you but I have to leave ( like she has no choice in the matter ).

I am so lost. Just wish she would go to marriage counseling and at least try to work things out. I love her too much to give up on this marriage and the 12 years we have been together.

Did I miss something? Her father is being deployed? She's just finishing Grad school? but you two have been married twelve years???

How old was she when you got married?

She was 19 and I was 21 when we got married. Her father is like 58 years old but loves the army and wanted to be deployed. He is basically going to help train the Afghanistan army. My wife took a break from college when we got married and I had to really push her to get back in ( promised her father she would get her bachelors). She just finished her 1st yr of grad school and has another year to complete. I basically moved here to get this law enforcement job to pay for the bills and support her while she went back to school. Now that I have to go back to school to prepare for a new career, she is leaving me. Kind of ironic

Nick, I think I'd try to keep her around and see if she doesn't come to see you and the relationship the way she did a few years ago. If you've really come out of the depression and get going, it might work. Now, it also might not, but I don't see you having anything to lose.

Young people do change, and sometimes suddenly. She might not be the same person that loved the person you were twelve years ago. It's worth trying, anyway.

Well, I've been with the same woman for five years now, and we started dating when she was 17 and I was 18. Since that time, she hsa cheated on me and has gone through some major changes. I almost wonder why I'm still with her, but my point is that people do grow apart...

If she hasn't truly experienced the single life or the usuall lifestyle changes that plague undergraduate students, she might be a late bloomer.

Seems to me (as you posted earlier) that she feels co-dependent, and wants to experience being independent.

It's rough... I know... but like I said... you're just gonna have to fix yourself because you want to change, and not because you think you need to change in order to keep her...

Anyone else with more input or advice?

Difficult situation but, from my point, it could be saved.

After reading your posts one thing has come to my mind: She loves you.

Of course, I´d need all versions but it could be enough whith what you have told.

As far as I know your wife is afraid of the situation. She wants to find a solution but she doesn´t know how. She loves you and however she would have to understand you (nobody knows what a depressed state is until oneself lives this situation). For that reason it´s no use to convince her to understand the problem because she won´t be able to do it.

A solution: To try she takes all her fears out. How? Look at her eyes and ask her what she is afraid of, but carefully, softly; remember something when you were younger. Make her to travel to better times.

She doesn´t leave you; she wants to flee from herself.

Under your situation it´s going to be a hard task. But at the end she will realize many things.

I hope you get your goal. Good luck.

Nick, people answer here over days, in no particular order of import to you, it is just how it happens on an international forum.

I am interested and haven't posted, still thinking on it.






(edit - I know my present signature line seems a little offputting, but I am a woman who does like men, mostly. At first glance, I am sympathetic with both of you, perhaps you slightly more. Back later.)

(It's a great line, very precise.)

<that inspires me to add more, and I am only on about page six....>

Thanks for the support so far. Well, she is flying in tomorrow and I will be picking her up. Real nervous as to what she will say. This is her birthday week, so I did plan a special day for her on Fri. Made an appointment for her at a near by spa where she will have a massage, manicure, facial, etc. Later that evening, I have dinner reservations for both of us at a nice restaurant we ate at 6 years ago. Hope she comes back feeling more positive about about working things out and gives me a chance to take her out Fri night.

And if she doesn't, you both need to talk quite a bit. More talking the better. You are two identifiably strong people. You may not end up together. However that works out, I hope you can at least start to talk.

I am older and have had various relationships, some of them intensely serious over time. People do move on from one attachment to another, often when one partner isn't ready for the other to move.

I suppose mystery is useful for some or many, but just talking is such a relief for others..

Well I am getting more confused yet my instincts are telling more and more things will work out. After picking my wife up from the airport and returning home, I decided to grill dinner for her outside. The weather was perfect so we also decided to eat outside and had some wine with our dinner. I personally think she drinks wine too much but thought wine was ok for that night since we both were a bit uncomfortable. Well dinner was great and we had a very good emotional talk.

She was still quite upset over her father leaving for Afghanistan and I assume she will continue to be for quite some time. She cried when she started talking about him but unlike the previous week, she actually came to me for comfort and let me hold her. She also stated she was comfortable with me and our home but still needed some time alone to make sure she does the right thing without any outside influences such as myself. So she basically said she was leaving still but to have time to herself to figure things out. The previous week she was saying that she was leaving and there was no chance of us getting back together and if we did, we would have to start from the beginning again, like go out on dates on so forth.

The previous week, she also said she would sleep in a separate room upon her return until she could find her own place. But after spending all evening talking to each other, comforting each other at times, and going on a nice walk holding hands, she ended sleeping in the same bed with me and we were pretty much hugging each other through most of the night. The previous week, she would keep her back turned to me , and she did this for almost 2 weeks, like she was forcing herself not to love me, but I really felt her love for me this night and hope it continues. Hopefully, our dinner night out for her birthday will go smoothly.

I personally think she is having doubts about leaving me but she is still obviously confused and unsure. One main problem is she does not trust me in the sense that if we ever face difficult times or a tragedy in the future, will I go through a serious period of depression again and not be there for her emotionally. I really feel this fear can be resolved through marriage counseling, maybe read some books, and just more education in general concerning depression and how to deal with it.

Another problem is the fact that she has never lived alone and independent of anyone. This is something she has to resolve. I would choose to be in a good loving relationship over the single life with the freedom it brings any day. Being single has its attractions but I think it would get old rather quickly. However, she may feel differently.

I am still very concerned that if she moves out, it will be hard to work things out. She has a tendacy to hang out with co-workers after work and drink a bit too much at times when she is dealing with personal issues and if she does this while living alone, I don't think it will help resolve some of the problems she has had to deal with.

Another major reason I am nervous about this is that with our income together, we can pay our bills and pay off some of our debts. Living alone is going to be financially difficult on both of us, we will barely make enough to pay the bills and some of the debts (school loan and 1 credit card) will be almost impossible to pay off. Secondly, she will have a hard time working 5 nights a week and being a full time grad school student. Im afraid this will just cause more stress and problems due to the financial strain it will cause and by the fact she will be completely worn out. She was worn out this year after only working 2-3 nights a week as a waitress. It is very hard to discuss this with her though cause she will only view me as using financial stability as a reason to live with me when I truly look at it as possibly causing more stress, tensions, and problems thus making it harder for us to get back together.

My only hope for now is that she wont rush into finding another place so she can see on a daily basis the steps I am taking to improve my life thus our relationship and that we continue to show love and affection for each other, maybe she will change her mind about moving out. Just have to wait and see. Kind of hard to judge things with her being back only 1 day from her trip. Thanks again for the input and sorry to type so much. This seems to be helping me by typing here and then I seem to think about it a bit less afterwards.

bm

Nick, that means I have bookmarked this thread and like osso, will return with some thoughts of my own. Keep coming back and see what develops.

Especially, she might feel that she wants to be in a good loving relationship because she has freely chosen it, among other viable choices, and not out of fear that she couldn't handle the single life. Since it sounds like she never has lived on her own, this could be a major factor for her. In that case, even if she decides to stay for now, it's likely to come up again -- nobody likes to feel like they are in a situation out of fear.

As such, I'm not sure dilineating all of these potential problems will help you much -- I think it's likely to either send her towards, "It will be hard, but I can handle it! You think I can't handle it?" or, alternatively, toward staying with you out of fear -- a temporary fix that wouldn't solve any of the core problems and therefore would seem likely to just flare up again, maybe with less goodwill next time and less possibility of working out eventually.

From what you've said so far, I think I'd suggest going ahead with a trial separation -- and then once she's been on her own for a while, she can make that conscious and not fear-based decision to be with you.

I agree with Sozobe's points.