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Sun 12 Jun, 2005 12:17 am
Hi, I'm a newbie here.
Im in a state of dilemma and confusion and I hope your opinions could actually give me another perspective to my problem.
I am having an affair with a married man (no surprise there), who also happened to be my ex-boyfriend. We shall call him AJ. I am also involved in a relationship with my boyfriend of two years. Lets call him Dean.
The affair started about 6 months ago when fate accidentally bumped me and AJ together at the local supermarket. It has been 5 years since we spoke or had in contact with each other. Friends however have been ever so kind to me updated with his life. They also told me that AJ has been asking them about me. I made my friends promise never to give any of my contact information to him as I do not wish to be in his life anymore.
We met, and with much surprise, I gave him my number. I knew he was married then and i knew he just had a baby boy. Despite all that, I went against my values and decided to meet him for coffee. I mean, what harm can it do, yes?
ONe coffee, lead to another and another. We enjoyed each others company very much. The sexual chemistry was still there. Initially there was no sex involved, but as time pass by..well..We have rendevouz almost every weekend.
Where was my boyfriend all this time? He was back in New Zealand. See, I am an international student. I was back in my home country for my holidays when the affair started.
Time pass by and it was time for me to go back to Uni. I thought the affair was over. And i was fine with that. But AJ insisted that we keep in touch with each other. I was hesitant..but agreed anyway.
Back in New Zealand, AJ calls me on weekends and texted me every other day. I thought, he will get bored of it. Soon. But until today, he still does call. My feelings for him developed. I thought, what harm can I do? He is back there and I am here.
I am in New Zealand for 9 months and only back at home for 3 months. We spend more time apart then together anyway. No harm, right?
Yesterday, he called me up as normal. But the news that he gave me was not. It shocked me. He told me, reluctantly, that Mrs.AJ is pregnant with the second child. And she has been for a few months actually.
I didnt know how to react. I smiled and congratulated him on his blessings. But as soon as we hang up, my insides churn. I felt as if the very life has been squeezed out of me.
I cried, much to my surprise. I felt as if I had hit rock bottom. I felt jealous. Reality hit me hard. Who am I kidding. I should know that the affair would lead to a heart ache.
Should I tell him how i feel? Would he care? I dont know what to do. I want to end the affair but at the same time, I want him. My boyfriend is oblivious towards the whole spectacle.
What should i do?
Wow. Ok firstly (because you will get flamed for having an affair) as little as i like what you're doing i can understand it slightly more if he is your ex - somebody you once shared something with
Secondly, whatever you decide you haven't been fair to and are not being fair to your boyfriend. Sure you can love two people at once... but i don't think you can love two people and be sexual with them both at once. If you really loved him then you wouldn't be fooling around with your ex
Thirdly, why did you and AJ break up in the first place? Was it because you moved apart? Or because you felt used? Or because you were moving away? Or because one of you cheated?
If any of the reasons were things like the two of you not being right for each other or one of you cheating then for goodness sake TRUST YOURSELF. The only reason you're not feeling the same feelings now is because you see one another so infrequently. You split up, and didn't see oneanother for so long, for a reason
Fourthly, just as you are showing that you don't all and out love one of these guys, he is showing the exact same thing to you. He is married. He is staying married. I don't even recall him telling you that he would leave his wife for you. Right now, she is his 9-5, his 2.4 children and whatever else. And you are his bit on the side, his play thing, his piece of fluff.
You could only continue with this affair if you're happy with that
I really don't think you are
He doesn't want a real relationship. So you can't expect him to act as if you were in one
Thank you for your opinion Bekaboo.
We split up due to a mutual decision. It didnt end bad. Neither of us cheated nor thought we were incompatible. I just thought it wasnt the right time for 'us'. He did ask me to marry him, but I was too young at that time, 18 to be exact.
I never expect him to leave his wife, neither would I ask for it. I thought I was in control of things, but this 'outburst' proved that my emotions got more involved then I would like it to be.
I suppose it is pretty naive of me to think that I actually meant something to him.
But why bother keeping up the act despite the distance. Why be nice to me? We are continents apart. How would it benefit him? I can't give him anything from this side of the world.
So do you see why I am confuse?
One of the traditional terms for a woman who is having an affair with a married man is "a little on the side". You are not interfering with this man's married life (although by putting energy into a relationship with you he is breaking his marriage vows).
He is complicating your feelings toward your boyfriend.
Do you like being "a little bit on the side"? Do you like cheating your boyfriend?
I suppose the reason why I cheated on my boyfriend is that we both know and discussed that there is no future for the both of us (due to difference in religion and other issues which ought to be a topic on its own i gather).
My relationship with my boyfriend will end when Im done with my degree and go back to my home country. I do cherish whatever time i have with him now. I havent been ignoring him neither have I been pushing him away. Ive always been me.
Because of the feelings of insecurity, and perhaps in a state of ignorance and naivety I assumed that having my own little side dish would make me feel much better. You know, something to call home.
AJ is my "little bit on the side" as much as I am to him.
As long as there is no commitment, I have no qualms about a woman having multiple relationships with sexual activity in each. It's a bit tricky to keep up, and not satisfying in the main, but I won't natter at you for it.
Re the married exboyfriend, that's pretty unfair to the ex's bride and child, though he is the one screwing with his vows. This all sounds like love-lite on your part to me, in either situation. Being involved with a married person is problematic. Though I am not always dead against it, I sure am when it is just a pleasant interlude in which you just might have a few feelings for the fellow involved, after the fact.
And that is all it remains, a pleasant interlude. Nothing more then that.
What do you suggest I do?
My opinion, say good bye and good luck to the married guy.
The married guy might have charm, but judging from his actions he's not a man for a long monogamous haul.
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