Marriage is....?

That "ility" stanza is virtuoso!

I heard that!! Or, as Woody Allen once said, "My parents never got divorced....even though I begged them to."

But, I dunno. In spite of the verbal battles, I guess we have to give them credit that they hung in there, stayed together. There's a lot to be said for that.

Isn't there? Yes. Let's say there is.

I think so, stray cat. But, me and my siblings are still marked for life. Some of us have gotten over it more than others of us.

My parents got divorced when I was 22 (or 23). When I was in high school, I remember my mom talking about getting a divorce and I was adamantly against it. Now, when I look back on it, everyone is much happier and it should have happened years earlier.

I have been married nearly 4 years now (in August) and wouldn't have it any other way. I can never find the right words to describe what my marriage means to me because I think it is more complex then "for the children," "for the love," "for the commitment," "for the finance" reasons that have been listed so far.

I was never one that fell in love very easy, yet, I knew after our first date that I would marry my wife. I have such a deep personal relationship with her that I could never fully explain it to another person. I think it is one of those things that you either find or you don't find. It has nothing to do with religion. It has nothing to do with finaces or children or any of that. I think, to me at least, it has to do with that ntense bond that I don't think I would feel just living with someone or signing a 7 year contract.

I also agree that it isn't for everyone. Some people need the extra freedom and choices that single life offers.

I wanted to add that I think a lot of marriages fail because people don't know how to argue with each other. I like arguing until there is a resolution. She likes getting mad, going away, silently forgiving each other and forgetting that it ever happened. It took us awhile to figure out that I was getting mad because she just wanted to move on and she was getting scared because I kept talking/yelling about it.

Also, you have to learn what really pushes each others buttons and have the strength not to use it against each other. i know exactly how to hurt her with just a few words... but all that does is create more bad feelings. Instead I walk tenderly when those issues arise and have to be very careful about what I say. The goal of an argument isn't to hurt the other person... it is to resolve a conflict. Pushing eachothers buttons may feel good at first but it causes more damage in the long run.

I think there should be counseling to teach people how to argue with each other. It would solve a lot of issues.

Also, (i know I know... I'm rambling) freedom doesn't have to end with "I Do." We have our own lives and our own friends and we trust each other enough to not worry when one of us goes out and the other stays home. I don't even think it is a trust issue... I know I have nothing to worry about and she knows she has nothing to worry about.

I totally agree with that, JP. The whole concept of everyone has irreconcilable differences, the trick is talking your way through them.

If I were to be completely honest I wish I was marriage-minded. I would love to have a partner I could spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately I am a commitment-phobe, like littlek. I panic if a relationship gets to the point that I'm supposed to say "yes" to a marriage proposal or it's over. I've had several serious relationships that lasted several years each, all the while being completely honest that I didn't want to get married or have children. While my partner(s) agreed with me for the first few years, they either changed their minds or buckled under pressure from peers/family that there was something wrong with us for not getting married after years of being together. While I have been in love, I just cannot marry if the very thought of it makes me want to hurl.

Just like you littlek I had a very rocky view of marriage via my parents. I swore I would never allow myself to be trapped in a relationship like that and I am sure this is why I am so adverse to getting married myself. The odd thing is, now, when they are older, they get along great. It's a hoot to listen to the things they get up to together.

I see people with lovely relationships and marriages and I am jealous. Yes I am. I would love to be able to give all of me to some man, but I just can't do it. I am too independent, selfish, and afraid.

Yep. I bear that mark too and am also commitment phobic because of it. It's just unfortunate that adults can't seem to help themselves sometimes and say and do things that can have such a big impact on their children.



Me too, Heeven. "Trapped" is the word alright. I viewed marriage as a "trap," one of those big, ugly steel things like the ones they use to trap wild animals. I sure as hell wasn't going to put my little paw in that thing!

I guess that's pretty screwed up! But it's something I continue to struggle with.

BTW, I loved what you said, JP, about the relationship you have with your wife. Good for you!! That's the way a marriage should be. It gives all of us hope to hear that it really can work. Especially if the two people involved love and respect each other -- and are willing to work at it.

I see the people posting on the deep riches of marriage here being fairly young - to me. I do know people who are still enriched by their relationships in their fifties, sixties, and seventies. Not all that many, though.

If that's generally true, I think it's a function of not only age per se but eras, though. As I said on someone's thread recently, I think romantic partnerships are stronger when both people enter into it as one choice out of many viable choices -- not out of any particular need or fear or expectation. And I think that climate -- get married if you want, don't if you don't -- is fairly recent. (Speaking in terms of living older people, not going back further than that -- and further than that there is still much less choice in terms of autonomy/ being beholden in some way.)

I may be young, and not married for too long... but like everything, it's just mathematics.



This sounds like a plan to me.

Last night my daughter and I rented a dvd called "The Notebook" starring Gena Rowlands and James Garner. It was a wonderful love story albeit at times a bit sappy. It was about enduring, long lasting, totally committed love.

As it ended and the tears were streaming down both of our faces, my daughter asked me if love like that can really happen. I responded with the best answer I could come up with, "anything is possible".

I am quoting totally wrong but one of the best parts of dialogue came when the main characters were on the edge of committing or letting go.
She says, "But we fight all the time!" He says, "Yea, we do and we always have. I'm a son of a bi*ch and you're a pain in the a$$. In fact the only time your not a pain in the a$$ is when you are coming down off of one pain in the a$$ episode and getting ready to move onto another. It's the same for me. It's going to be a lot of hard work, but the way I see it, if we both know where the other is coming from, what do we have to lose?"