help: what to do with depressed wife?

cicerone imposter
Reply Mon 6 Jun, 2005 11:05 pm
Contact your local social services agency to inquire what they can do to help you with this problem. Don't try to figure it out on your own. Social workers have the education and experience to help you. But it's up to you to make the first contact with the agency. Good luck.
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Reply Mon 6 Jun, 2005 11:06 pm
samo wrote:
All of us have the right to choose a better and healthy life

Yes we do, Samo. And I'm glad to hear that you're getting some help so you can get there! Good for you!

I understand about how this affects your entire life. Of course it does. J_B talked about how she went through hell when her husband was depressed, and that's a good way to describe it. I know my husband has suffered when I have been depressed too, although he says now it was all worth it. I think it's fair to warn you that if you do divorce, that will bring its own huge emotional upheavals. It's not a simple solution at all. For your peace of mind, I'd encourage you to stick with the marriage as long as there's a chance things will improve.
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cicerone imposter
Reply Mon 6 Jun, 2005 11:12 pm
samo, You need to see a counselor for yourself to help you hang in there. Your mental health is important too.
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Reply Fri 10 Jun, 2005 10:13 am

Since I haven't put in the time to send a pm (private message) yet, I will hope you are still monitoring this thread.

How are things going? Any progress? Hanging in there? Let us know.

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Reply Sat 11 Jun, 2005 08:25 am

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested
the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In
the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the
TV?" I said "Dust!"
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Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2005 12:55 pm
Re: help: what to do with depressed wife?
samo wrote:
Hello, I've been married with my wife for 9 months now and the situation's growing worse. she was just fine and happy up to the minute when we came back from our honeymoon. she's drown in depression not wanting to do anything. she never went back to her part time job (she another part time job though), she gets up everyday at 2pm, not interest on anything whatsoever, she doesnt want to have any intimacy with me, yes no sex since we came back from our honeymoon 9 months ago. she barely makes enough money to pay her bills and stressed because of money, her job pays really bad and she works 20 hrs/week and wont look for a better job even when she's had tons of chances. we've been to counseling and she's made compromises in the past but she's failed to every single of them, all she says to me is to leave her alone that's her bussiness. on my point of view I think she doesnt want to deal with marriage and life in general and responsabilities, she acts like if she were living with her dad. I'm still trying to figure out what to do to help her, so far I've tried all I can, even when I'm keeping my real feelings about the situation, I just try to be the best for her and support her no matter what, but there's so much a human being can take. I love her with all my heart but it breaks my heart she's leaving her marriage sink down the drain.

any ideas of how to deal with a situation like this?


You need to realize that depression is not a choice and get her into her doctor!
I go suffer from manic depression and there is not a more hopeless feeling when you are in one of these "funks" and you don't know why and you don't understand. You convince yourself you are going nuts..... or worse.
PLEASE get her professional help!
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Stray Cat
Reply Sun 19 Jun, 2005 03:07 pm
Dear Samo,

You sound like the sweetest, dearest, kindest, most patient, understanding, loving, supportive man that I've heard of in a long, long time....

I really hope things work out with you and your wife -- I hope she realizes how lucky she is -- I really do.

But just in case things don't work out -- would you marry me?


Stray Cat

P.S. At least, let me ask you -- what country are you from? Are there anymore back there like you?
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Stray Cat
Reply Sun 19 Jun, 2005 03:36 pm
Hope you're still out there somewhere, Samo!
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Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2005 07:44 pm

I am afraid Samo isn't with us any longer. Often what happens when people start to get "professional" help is that the "professionals" tell them to stop listening to the "amateurs" on the internet-sometimes that can be a good thing, sometimes it robs them of one of their only support systems.

But I bet that is what has happened to Samo.

Maybe he will check in some time...

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Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2005 08:31 pm
And many times people lurk, without posting, which we understand.

You may be right, that samo has been advised to not listen here. I think we are pretty helpful to listen to as a wide group, as checks and balances happen... but can understand a dictum to not tune in to the internet as a general rule.

I can see a whole series of posts by many totally disrupting a counselling session.

Wonder what Lola would say about this.

Personally, I find the internet full of hooey and beyond my wildest dreams for information and nuance.
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Stray Cat
Reply Wed 22 Jun, 2005 02:34 pm
Well, I guess you guys are right. I hope Samo and his wife are getting some counseling -- and I hope for both their sakes that it's helping them to get closer and work together on their marriage.

But -- if you ever want to stop by just to say "hi" and chat with us -- feel free, Samo!
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Reply Wed 27 Jan, 2010 06:30 am
Been going thur the last 10 years with a depressed wife, sometimes unbearable, looking for negatives in anything you say. I can say youve taking on the big job. Hard to be compassionate to someone who show hate towards you and stabbing comments. I never been abusive towards her, other than just walking off from the conversation. She will go from one crisis to another with no break in between. I hate it when the crisis comes back around to me. Being in a enviroment where logic is not normal makes you feel like you are insane. I know she is in a sea of misery and I feel for her, must be awful to feel like that for months, friends have noticed a difference in me lately its wearing me down. I can only share my experience and understand. I know meds can control it, but getting my wife to stay on them is hard. Funny things can go good for months, the misery for months. One augerment will set it off.
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Reply Tue 23 Nov, 2010 04:27 am
Hi Samo,

I can feel your sorrow and sadness. My heart with you. My wife is also has major depression and fibromylagia (ache in her muscles most of the time). She couldn't do exercise due to her fibromyalgia, although I not an exercise could lessen the symptom of depression. She has also severe anxiety, OCD and personality disorder. Her OCD irritates me, but now I am used to that. She also told me that she doesn't love me (not sure whether this came out of her mouth because she was in depression) and said that she has been trapped marrying me.

I've tried removing most of her burden by doing all the household chores (cooking, cleaning, etc.) and have been living like a single parent. Having not enough with the burdern of depressed spouse, our only child is also autistic which demands constant attention and caring from her parents, which actually now partly to me too. I've missed many days of work or work part-time because of this (luckily, my work can be done at home). The only thing my wife still does is taking care of our daughter as she loves her so much (even seems more like possesive).

My wife has been seeking help and seeing psychiatrist, psychologist and support groups. I have also similar problem as yours in that we don't have any relatives in US and I don't have many friends, let alone to discuss personal or family matters like this. I've spent so much oney that we're now in debt. She never works and many times spends money without thinking about our financial situation.

It was partly my mistake not bringing her to counselor/therapist in the first years of our marriage, because I was ignorant not knowing the causes of her symptoms and root causes. She has had depression even before marrying me and she never told me before.

I feel like I am betrayed.

We fight almost everyday. I am so burnt out and our marriage is on the edge of divorce. I haven't seen any help for therapy yet, now thinking about doing so. This has taken my life away and I don't want to fall into "blackhole" and ruin the whole family members. I read some article that once men fall into
depression, it is 4x more likely to have suicide than women.

Deciding to have divorce is also a dilemma for me, because our daughter has autism/Asperger's and this will make her autism regress. If I divorce her, she won't be able to take care of herself financially and personally (she's very dependent) and daughter at the same time (will overwhelm her that much which will be unsafe for her and our daughter).

I am now not sure if I still love my wife, butt I love my daughter and feel sad and pity to my wife.

I have a gigantic roadblock in front of me.
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Reply Tue 23 Nov, 2010 10:10 am

1. Get help in the home. Hire a homekeeper, maid, or chore worker to pick up what chores you are doing.

2. Consider YOUR needs. If that means leaving or setting up another home for yourself, then do that. You MUST consider yourself in all this.

3. Your child will cope. More damage is being done living in a stress-filled home than having at least one happy parent. She can visit you at any time.

Good luck. You are NOT stuck here. Get some help with all this.
It's your life, too.
Reply Tue 23 Nov, 2010 11:14 am
Thank you for the reply.

I know I need much help/hire homekeeper, but our financial situation does not permit us to do so. My income now is just barely enough to pay for our day-to-day living and their therapies.
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Reply Sun 29 Jan, 2012 04:42 am
@Debra Law,
I disagree. One can definitely be depressed without there being someone there to enable their depression.

I think I began suffering from mild depression when I was about seven years old. My depressions began to noticeably worsen my last two years of high school. I rarely did homework or went to class. I only bothered showing up for tests, and thankfully, I usually got As, which allowed me to pass most classes with a C or D. I graduated in the bottom half of my high school class, but was admitted into college on the basis of my ACT score.

I was severely depressed for 5-10 years before I got married. I lived alone and did nearly everything for myself... or rather, didn't do nearly everything for myself. My parents tried to visit occasionally, but when I'm depressed, I often don't answer the phone or door. I dropped in and out of college several times. Usually, I just stopped going. I had no friends. My home was always a mess. If I didn't have food, I didn't eat. I once ended up hospitalized with cardiac arrhythmia and severe dehydration because I hadn't eaten anything in about three weeks. My therapist was about the only contact I had with the outside world. Therapy and medication never helped much. In fact, sometimes I think it made me feel worse.

Fortunately, my apartment rent and utilities were paid through direct withdrawal from my bank account. If I had had to deal with bills, I probably would have been out on the street. And the funny thing is, I didn't care at all. In fact, I dreamt of being homeless; I was a bad person, and I deserved it. I really didn't have much will to survive, and I figured I'd be dead pretty quickly if I were homeless. Toss out your ID, and you're pretty much a non-person if you're living on the streets. I idealized being homeless. What better way is there to slip into the shadows and disappear from existence completely? Yet, I was too wimpy to give up my warm, isolated little abode. I had neither the energy nor the resolve to pack up and leave in the middle of a Midwest February.

In fact, I rarely left the house for any reason. I did try to make it to doctor appointments... but only because I was desperate for relief (which never seemed to come). Every few weeks I would manage to make it to the grocery store... usually in the middle of the night when nobody was there to see me. It was a task that took hours. My brain was so foggy that making simple decisions was an enormous chore. I once broke down crying because I couldn't figure out what kind of bread to buy.

In between bouts of depression I was able to function moderately well. I still had a hard time cultivating relationships because my good times never lasted more than a couple months. Even when not depressed, I frequently delt with crippling anxiety. I am severely perfectionistic, and often, a bad test grade would be more than enough to send me plummeting downward once again.

After eight years, I somehow managed to graduate from college, with Honors, nonetheless. Since graduating and not having to deal with the stress of being in an academic environment, I have had fewer problems with the depression. The bouts are much shorter and less severe, but I wouldn't say I am free of them entirely. Despite having earned a music scholarship that covered the entire cost of tuition and fees my freshman year and another GPA -based grant that covered the cost of tuition my last four years, I am still working to pay off a crippling $70,000 in student debt from undergrad. Add to that, the fact that I've never been able to find a good job since graduating six years ago, and I'm very worried about what will happen to me when I inevitably have to go back to school in order to get a more marketable degree.

The one truly bright spot in my life is that, in that time, I did meet and marry the most wonderful man in the world. He is patient and understanding, and he really does love me unconditionally. For that I am immensely grateful, even if I am not always able to demonstrate my appreciation. If he had treated me the way Ms. Law suggests you treat your wife on my darker days, I would be in much worse shape, overall, than I am today.
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