@Debra Law,
I disagree. One can definitely be depressed without there being someone there to enable their depression.
I think I began suffering from mild depression when I was about seven years old. My depressions began to noticeably worsen my last two years of high school. I rarely did homework or went to class. I only bothered showing up for tests, and thankfully, I usually got As, which allowed me to pass most classes with a C or D. I graduated in the bottom half of my high school class, but was admitted into college on the basis of my ACT score.
I was severely depressed for 5-10 years before I got married. I lived alone and did nearly everything for myself... or rather, didn't do nearly everything for myself. My parents tried to visit occasionally, but when I'm depressed, I often don't answer the phone or door. I dropped in and out of college several times. Usually, I just stopped going. I had no friends. My home was always a mess. If I didn't have food, I didn't eat. I once ended up hospitalized with cardiac arrhythmia and severe dehydration because I hadn't eaten anything in about three weeks. My therapist was about the only contact I had with the outside world. Therapy and medication never helped much. In fact, sometimes I think it made me feel worse.
Fortunately, my apartment rent and utilities were paid through direct withdrawal from my bank account. If I had had to deal with bills, I probably would have been out on the street. And the funny thing is, I didn't care at all. In fact, I dreamt of being homeless; I was a bad person, and I deserved it. I really didn't have much will to survive, and I figured I'd be dead pretty quickly if I were homeless. Toss out your ID, and you're pretty much a non-person if you're living on the streets. I idealized being homeless. What better way is there to slip into the shadows and disappear from existence completely? Yet, I was too wimpy to give up my warm, isolated little abode. I had neither the energy nor the resolve to pack up and leave in the middle of a Midwest February.
In fact, I rarely left the house for any reason. I did try to make it to doctor appointments... but only because I was desperate for relief (which never seemed to come). Every few weeks I would manage to make it to the grocery store... usually in the middle of the night when nobody was there to see me. It was a task that took hours. My brain was so foggy that making simple decisions was an enormous chore. I once broke down crying because I couldn't figure out what kind of bread to buy.
In between bouts of depression I was able to function moderately well. I still had a hard time cultivating relationships because my good times never lasted more than a couple months. Even when not depressed, I frequently delt with crippling anxiety. I am severely perfectionistic, and often, a bad test grade would be more than enough to send me plummeting downward once again.
After eight years, I somehow managed to graduate from college, with Honors, nonetheless. Since graduating and not having to deal with the stress of being in an academic environment, I have had fewer problems with the depression. The bouts are much shorter and less severe, but I wouldn't say I am free of them entirely. Despite having earned a music scholarship that covered the entire cost of tuition and fees my freshman year and another GPA -based grant that covered the cost of tuition my last four years, I am still working to pay off a crippling $70,000 in student debt from undergrad. Add to that, the fact that I've never been able to find a good job since graduating six years ago, and I'm very worried about what will happen to me when I inevitably have to go back to school in order to get a more marketable degree.
The one truly bright spot in my life is that, in that time, I did meet and marry the most wonderful man in the world. He is patient and understanding, and he really does love me unconditionally. For that I am immensely grateful, even if I am not always able to demonstrate my appreciation. If he had treated me the way Ms. Law suggests you treat your wife on my darker days, I would be in much worse shape, overall, than I am today.
