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Tue 31 May, 2005 10:15 am
Alright, here is my situation. I'm getting ready to ask my girlfriend of 9 months (waiting until 12 month anniversary) to marry me. We have talked about marriage a lot and we are both madly in love w/ each other and can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. She is my "first" (you know what I mean) and I am her "first".
My question is this... before me she had an ex-boyfriend who she cheated on with a previous ex-boyfriend (just kissing and such, she was a virgin) and before that a guy she was dating she cheated w/ his brother in the same manner. Those realtionships were roughly 2 weeks to 2 months.
She assures me those were her stupid days and she is changed and loves me and would never do such a thing. I can honestly say I have never cheated on anyone, ever. So i do not feel qualified to make judgments about it. Or to even classify "making-out" to be cheating, i think it is but i don't know.
Another concern is the guy she cheated with, on her ex, has come up a few times during our relationship. he calls her, she doesn't usually answer but she has talked to him a few and it really bothers me. should it (they used to be great friends...)? or am i being jealous? especially if we were having realtionship trouble at the time, he would just happen to call at those times and they would discuss our relationship. Should this had concerned me more in the past (during our first 2-3months of dating)? I just let it go...
I guess my question is should I worry about her cheating on me or should i worry that she already has? She claims she could never but I guess I'm just worried since I'm ready to spend the rest of life with her. I really really love her and I have never loved someone before, she claims the same. Any help would be appreciated... I'm just nervous.
I do trust her (she has given me no reason during our relationship not to), its just her past that causes me to question my blind trust in this area...
Thx to all that respond...
You'd better make up your mind whether or not you trust this woman.
While you are undecided on the question of trust, do not propose marriage, no matter how romantic the tentative proposal date.
Unmerited trust is not fair to you. Unmerited jealousy is not fair to the woman you say you love.
I do trust her due to the fact that she has given me no reason, DURING the time of our relationship, not to. I'm just asking am i being foolish to be trusting her as much as i do given her past? Many people have come to me and said I'm too trusting given the circumstances, but at the same time I believe people change and mature...
You have to understand I'm not a jealous guy. I'm really not, it just so happened to bother me that she decided to confide in the guy she cheated w/ on her ex about our realtionship when we were dealing with a few things. I believe this was completely warrented and I don't see it as jealousy but maybe some of you do.
I plan to marry her... I'm just wondering if leaving the past in the past is the right path in this situation. When I talk to her about it she just assures me that she would never do such a thing to me and so on, but I can't help but worry about it. Maybe, I'm being a tad too critical.
Leave the past where it belongs. Unless she has given you reason to distrust her, why should you?
If you can't do this, don't marry her. Any feelings of insecurity or lack of trust now will be 10 fold in 10 years because this will fester and fester and you will always wonder....is she being faithful?
I really do believe her and trust her that she is loyal and true to me. i just hear comments now and then, ex: "once a cheater, always a cheater" Things like this get me to think and cause me to worry but I guess its some what natural. I'm a natural born worrier :wink:
I really love this women and maybe I'm worried because everything is so perfect and has been for so long. That may sound wierd but I'm not use to things being so right in my life. Good job, house, nice car, all within the last 5 months and now I'm ready to marry the perfect women and I gave myself to her and she to me... it was a wonderful thing to share that with the person I fell in love with.
Its just that throughout my life things always seemed to go wrong and come crashing down... I believe that is why I look at this as much as I do. i'm probably not making any sense but hey, it feels good to just get it out.
Anyway, thanks for all the input...
I'm taking your advice Bella, I'm leaving it where it belongs... in the past.
That's good, and good luck! Also remember in your marriage that you can't control the other person or what the other person does. You can only control what you do. Make it clear that there is no tolerance for lying or dishonesty (cheating) in your relationship. Begin the rest of your life on solid ground with the base being open, honest communication.
If it weren't for the fact that she cheated on you, I would find your situation extremely romantic.
What?
I have to pipe in here as a person from apparently another planet that your fiance didn't cheat on you.
Do you honestly expect to live, oh, say, 55 more years without ever having any association with a person of the so called opposite sex? To live in complete denial of all attractions, including from the time before you met?
I am not promoting fooling around, as we used to say, on your wife, or husband. But it is both realistic and healthy to have complex associations with people in general.
You can seem to secure your wife's love over decades by dictum or faith or jealousy or money, but you two will only last if you continue enjoy being together because of how you both are and how you relate to each other.
pragmatic wrote:If it weren't for the fact that she cheated on you, I would find your situation extremely romantic.
She never cheated on me... I think you may had misread the above. She had cheated in the past on past boyfriends. I was simply asking if history was doomed to repeat itself with me.
She has never cheated on me.
And she may never do so ... you may indeed have good reason to trust her. None of us on this board know your girlfriend ... only you do. But you remain unconvinced .....
By way of advice I would offer the following: (1) You need to be absolutely sure about the trust issue before you get married; and (2) why are you in a hurry to get married to this woman you aren't sure you can trust?
You've been dating 9 months ... you are undoubtedly head over heels in love with this woman ... she is, after all your first. But if you and she are destined to be together, and if you two are going to work out in the long run, your relationship can withstand another 12 months or so of courtship and strengthening. That will also give you additional time to become convinced of her capacity for fidelity.
The question I should have asked at the beginning was how old are you?
ossobuco wrote:What?
I have to pipe in here as a person from apparently another planet that your fiance didn't cheat on you.
Do you honestly expect to live, oh, say, 55 more years without ever having any association with a person of the so called opposite sex? To live in complete denial of all attractions, including from the time before you met?
I am not promoting fooling around, as we used to say, on your wife, or husband. But it is both realistic and healthy to have complex associations with people in general.
You can seem to secure your wife's love over decades by dictum or faith or jealousy or money, but you two will only last if you continue enjoy being together because of how you both are and how you relate to each other.
I don't plan to let my lusts and materialistic desires potentially mess up my wonderful realtionship with my future wife. To answer your question, I do plan to go the next 55+ yrs with her and only her and yes I will deny any attraction or emotion that could harm us.
I obviously see marriage as a much more serious bond then you do.
My view of marriage is quite serious, but is not based on ongoing fear of attraction to others. You might reread my post.
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