Does sexual inexperience cause problems for people getting married?

Reply Fri 19 Jul, 2019 02:26 am
I am the one that is/was sexually inexperienced when I got engaged to my husband at the age of 19, and he was 25. I was so naive that I honestly had never had an orgasm until having sex with who I married. He had this fair share of sexual partners and had tried dating a few people that didn't work out. We did a lot of talking about things that he felt could be a potential issue in the future. The main thing he felt strongly about; enough to bring it up and tell me his concerns, was the lack of my experience. That could cause problems in the future like, what if years later, I developed a curiosity where I become tempted to want to find out what it is like to sleep with another person. Basically, to "see what it's like." I tried to tell him how I felt and viewed things. Honestly, I didn't have the curiosity to want to sleep around because sex to me is a very intimate experience and all about love. I also found the possibility of catching an STI a huge turn off. When discussing this, I felt frustrated that he'd rather me have any experience other than him. He considered marriage should be a "fully informed decision." That brought up how could I say yes and commit without ever knowing what it's like to sleep with another person. I felt different because I knew I could commit and marry him based on how I felt about him. We did end up coming to terms with it and got married and have been happy.

We have had some minor ups and downs because our sex drives did not always match one another and I forgot to mention I grew up in a semi-religious household that sex was a taboo topic and wasn't sex-positive in the least bit. Where he did not have those issues and or views, he was more sexually free and wanting us to play around with sex toys and try and watch porn. I had to learn to come around to that, but it wasn't easy. I felt awkward when it came to sex toys because to me I had him to have sex with and did not understand why he would not be jealous of a dildo/vibrator, but I eventually figured it all out. I will use toys when he and I do stuff, and he wants to, but to me, I could live without the toys. I know this is silly and it's only in my head, but I feel guilty for trying to play with dildo/vibrator without him involved. I didn't understand or take to porn quickly, and at first, I did not like it. I did not know there were different types and variations. He did have to work with me on that, and finally, years later, something was found that we both could watch together if it came up. I found by watching various types of porn and finding a variety that I did find arousing and it did not disgust me. I found that I did not like to watch porn with males in it and at first my husband thought that it was the hardcore stuff that I did not like where there is a lot of close-ups and money shots. I figured out that wasn't it but that there was something about not wanting to see stuff with ahem penis's in it. I didn't find it arousing but let me clarify that I do find my husband attractive and I find everything about him arousing, and that includes him being naked. I honestly can say that he is the only male I find sexually attractive. I do not need to see a bunch of nude males. The type of porn I did find that could be arousing was girl/girl not to mention that I realised that my husband when I was asleep, and he would be getting ready for work or whatever he needed to do and if he masturbated he would gravitate towards porn of females playing with themselves/masturbating. Knowing those two things, I ran with the girl/girl porn. I did not realise that would cause him one day try and talk to me about if I was happy and felt like he was enough for me because he was starting to think that maybe I was hiding something from him like that I liked females sexually and I didn't explore that because I married him when I was 19 and just ignored it because of my commitment to him. During this talk, he tried to suggest that he wanted me to be happy and that if I wanted to explore anything with another female, he would be supportive and would work with me; he was worried that one day I would look back and think that I wasted my life being married and resent our life together. He tried to suggest that all I had to do was talk to him and be upfront. That caught me by surprise because I did not even consider myself bisexual maybe a little bit on the bi-curious side. I had long since determined that I fit into the demisexual group because I felt that my outlooks and views were different than most people I knew. Also, I forgot to mention that when he brought all this up that he honestly seemed like he was worried about me leaving him or resentment and I could tell it bothered him.

Why is my sexual inexperience so questioned and would having more experience make a difference?

I am wanting to know if being inexperienced can cause problems in a marriage that will that person eventually flip a switch and want to go out and sow their wild oats? Maybe not with me but with other people has this been a known problem?

I personally would think that a person with less experience would have an easier time being happy with the same person versus a person who has slept around. For those that have slept around does it cause you to think of past sexual experiences and compare whom you are having sex with past times?
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Reply Fri 19 Jul, 2019 05:28 am
"Those of you who have slept around..."

Gee, that's an awfully nice way to refer to people. /sarcasm

Okay, look, virgins who have gotten married to non-virgins have had fulfilling, happy marriages. And they have had lousy marriages.

It's not a predictor of a damned thing.

To my non-doctor eyes, your husband sounds exceptionally insecure about your relationship. Maybe this is a good time to suggest couples counseling to try to get to the root of his feelings.

You love him, and you want only him.

So why the hell doesn't he believe you?
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Reply Sat 20 Jul, 2019 06:58 am
Well, you can’t win, can you?

You each have different preferences in your porn. He seems threatened that you will act out your porn choice. He’s pouting about it.

If this porn usage is not enhancing your love life with him (and vice versa) then set it aside for a while.

A nice, romantic vacation might be an alternative.
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Reply Wed 18 Sep, 2019 05:38 am
Most men would relish having a clean, as it were, slate to educate.
Your husband sounds very childish and needs a slap to the head to knock some sense into him. Marriage is a lot more than just the sex. You married him for the loving feelings that you had toward hm. (As should be) He, on the other hand apparently married for the 'sex and the always will be there' factor.
Wake up!
I hope for the best for you two ..................... but..
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