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Sun 29 May, 2005 09:22 am
I have been married for 2 years, and in total, it's been 3.5 year when I am together with my husband.
At the beginning, we had a big passion and were very much in love. Nevertheless, he never seemed to be a family person for me, so I was doubting whether I should marry him. Still, he wanted it so much, and being in love, I agreed to marry him, thinking that things might get better.
The first year of marriage was more or less OK. There were problems, but I thought we will solve it all. But after the first marriage anniversary, I realized that I am the only one to solve problems, and he is always making new ones. Since then, I am obsessed with a thought to divorce.
The most annoying thing for me is that he never tries to work too hard and keeps changing his jobs. He is never satisfied with his employer, even when good working conditions are offered. When he decides to quit, he doesn't look for a new job for weeks, and therefore I have always been financially supporting both of us. Of cource, it'd be OK to think, as I have a stable job and I keep climbing up the steps of my career, but the better I get, the less he is willing to work. Moreover, he keeps investing our money wherever he likes without even bothering to tell me. When we have arguments about it, he keeps promising changes, but things remain the same.
4 months ago I found out he was having an affair. It was such a shock for me, I went to live to another place, and still he convinced me to come back. I cannont stop thinking that I have made a mistake by coming back.
Finally, I announced him a couple of months ago that I've firmly decided to leave. I found myself a new appartment, and planned everything. Now, he's dying to make me stay, again. He's trying to be nice to me again, but I feel this will end as soon as I decide not to go. I don't think I can live this way any longer, with someone who does not really care about me, even if he says he loves me. I never have support when I need it. On the other hand, it's hard to go... I keep thinking that maybe I won't find anyone better than him -- what then? Even if I'm only 24, I'm afraid of being alone for longer time. Also, I feel sorry for my husband -- what will he do alone? And maybe he can still become a better person (by the way, he's 26)?
I would really, really appreciate it if you could tell me what you think about this situation. Or maybe some of you have experienced a similar dilema? Please, tell me your opinion, it would be very helpful for me.
Quote:He never seemed to be a family person for me, so I was doubting whether I should marry him.
Quote:There were problems, but I thought we will solve it all.
Quote:Since then, I am obsessed with a thought to divorce.
Quote:I have always been financially supporting both of us.
Quote:Moreover, he keeps investing our money wherever he likes without even bothering to tell me.
Quote:4 months ago I found out he was having an affair.
Quote:I never have support when I need it.
You are with a man who
a) has never shared your ideals or wanted the family that you want
b) has never been financially supportive of you
c) takes the money that you are earning and does with it as he will. It is not his money or even money beloning to both of you. It is your money. singular.
d) is having an affair with another woman
e) does not support you
I am personally very anti-divorce. But you are with a man who does not support you emotionally or finantially and is driving you into the floor. He does not respect you and now he is with another woman.
Yes you are right to leave him. Yes you will find somebody better. A lot better
Good luck
Quote:Even if I'm only 24, I'm afraid of being alone for longer time. Also, I feel sorry for my husband -- what will he do alone? And maybe he can still become a better person (by the way, he's 26)?
What will he do alone? He will have to work and support
himself, and that's not something he wants to - thus his
pleading with you not to leave him. He certainly doesn't
have any emotional reason for you to stay, as he clearly
has shown you, that he doesn't love you. He won't change
either, trust me.
You are only 24 years old, why are you being afraid to
live alone for a while? If you can't live with and by yourself,
how could anyone else?
I'm agreeing with the others, so my answer has to be yes. Anyway, by the time someone asks an opinion of people who don't know either of you personally, I could almost answer without reading the question.
titia--
Divorce, by all means. You don't have a marriage--you have a master/slave relationship with a free-loader who has no intention of changing his ways.
You didn't mention household chores, but I'd guess that whether or not he's employed, the household chores are for you and the most comfortable chair in front of the television set is for him.
You are twenty-four years old. You can stay in a bad marriage or you can become the sort of independent, interesting person who doesn't need a lousy marriage as an validation of worth.
Of course your husband/master has roused himself to be all lovey-dovey when his meal ticket/sex object/housekeeper/cook/understanding ear is walking out the door. He probably prides himself on being able to push your buttons and twist you around his little fingers.
He doesn't love you--and he has reduced you to a state where you are afraid to love yourself and give yourself the respect and comfort that you need.
Go through with your plans--leave.
Titia,
Afraid of being alone - afraid of not finding anyone better than him?
Your husband doesn't do a very good job of making you feel special, does he? I bet he hardly compliments you on too much of anything. And perhaps he likes to put you down sometimes.
I am a firm believer that our self esteem is a stepping stone, as we journey our way to happiness and success in life.
If that stone is missing - it becomes harder to bridge the distance from one stone to the next. That one little stepping stone is the Mother of all stones. For without it - we are surely doomed for failure. Or at the very least .... going through life without growth. Becoming stagnated and more and more unsure of who we are.
There's a funny thing about self esteem. It's something that you OWN. No one else can take from you unless you allow them to. Yet, many people try. And sometimes the ones trying the hardest - are the ones that are supposed to love us the most.
Oh wait ....... that's not love, now is it? :wink:
Dump his ass, my friend. Find someone who deserves you. Your husband obviously does not.
titia,
This is coming from a guy's perspective.
Straight up: Run from that guy as fast as you can!
You are young, girl!
Yes, it may be hard. You may feel bad a few weeks or months after breaking up. This is normal. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM when you have this normal downer feeling.
Once you get through the pain of the breakup, you'll be ready to meet a guy that deserves you!
Be strong. Get away from him. You are on the road to hell with this one.
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