The Issue of...Sex

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I am having a little problem when it comes to being intimate with my husband. I have been sexually active with him for almost 5 years and he is the only one I have ever been sexualy active with. Our marriage is fine and we have worked out all the kinks, but the one thing missing in the marriage is the sex. It's not that we don't do it or anything. We have been married for a year and have been dating for 5 years and have had sex many many many times...too many to count. The problem is this....when we are having sex, I don't get aroused, I dont get turned on, I don't climax...it's just sex. I feel like I am only doing it to make him happy. I just don't get turned on by sex. i don't think about it when I am not around him, I don't day dream about it, and I certainly do not fantisize about it.
My husband of course is the complete oposite, just me getting dressed gets him aroused. I am not really sure what is wrong with me. I guess I am not a very sexually active minded person. Any time my husband and I kiss each other I back off when it gets too hot because I know that it will just lead to sex and thats the last thing I want. I don't think that the problem is that I don't want sex with him, I think I just don't want sex at all. I am not sure if it is just because he, after all this time, hasn't done it right, or if there is something wrong with me.
I heard that men reach their sexual peak at 18 whereas women don't reach their sexual peak until about 24. I dont know if that is true or not, but something that crossed my mind was this, I am a very late bloomer, I didn't get my period till I was 14 years old. All the things that normally happen to women at a young age didn't happen to me until later in life. I though that maybe that could be the problem.

He wants me to go see someone about it, but I say that it is a communication problem. I will not deny that there is a problem, nor will I refuse to go to someone who can help. I just would like to hear another persons opinion before I decide anything

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Why did you marry him, you must have found him attractive in some ways.
Having sex handed to you on a plate can be the biggest turn me off.
It sounds to me that you dont know what yuo like yourself, i M GOING TO MENTION THE M word...masterbation..do you know which buttons to push, have you ever enjoyed things like that?

Are you on the pill as that can suppress sexual desire.

I kinda know how you feel, I remember it being a nice way to spend time but I feel like from the neck down Im absolutely numb.

You are married and sex is part of the deal unless discussed beforehand.I think you need to do some serious self discovery, dont be pressured into enjoying it (as that has the opposite effect)but try to change yuor approach to it.It would be a shame to not to have that side of life fulfilled.

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what is your life like outside of your sex life? Are you happy? Are you going through a mild depression? Are you taking care of yourself physically? Eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep? Have you always been disinterested?

Like the above poster said, can you climax by yourself? Does your husband try to please you or is it WBTYM (wham bam...)?

There are some new medication out there for women to boost your labido. I don't know much about them, just seen them on TV. May be worth looking into.

good luck!

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I would bet that your lack of sexual desire has a lot to do with your life. You've posted numerous times about problems in your marriage with friends, your getting therapy, depression, trust issues, his control issues, your control issues......sexual desire is one of the first things to go in many of these situations.

I am not a professional but I would wager that these things have everything to do with this.

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I agree with Bella.
Lack of sexual desire for someone is a good indicator that things are wrong / bad / uncomfortable in the relationship OUTside the bedroom.

You said you dont orgasim?
Do you orgasim alone? Do you know HOW to?
If not, try that.
Find some time by yourself, and you dont have to tell hubby.. in fact I wouldnt. It may make him want to be around you when you do this and that will turn you off.
And just give it a try. It takes a while.. so if you have not masturbated before, dont be surprised.
That may help?

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shewolfnm wrote:

Quit following me...

:wink:

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Don't wait to "bloom".
See someone about it now.
Sexual desire (or lack of it) is a very complex issue, psychologically
and physically. You want to talk with a professional. Now.

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Bella..
i need time by myself.
and it makes no diffrence if you are dressed or not.
;-)

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Coincidentally enough on the front page of the paper today the headline read 'the pill can make women lose sexual desire for life'!!!!!

That explains my lack of libido then.

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Can you orgasm on your own?

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Proteinn wrote:

Can you orgasm on your own?

The answer is no. I know you will not believe this but I am going to be completely honest with you...I don't touch myself. I don't even try. I have a little before, but nothing that could ever really be called masturbation. And no, I am not relgious, and no, I don't think masturbation is wrong. I never did it as a girl, and I don't do it now. We have some toys that we tried and they just don't work. I have used them myself when he is gone for a little bit but nothing really interests me.
I don't think the problems in my marraige are what is keeping me from feeling sexual because I haven't felt sexual since I started having sex 5 years ago.

That is a really really good point about the birth control. When my husband and I were first dating, we always bought condoms and I do remember liking sex and wanting it when we were using condoms. A few months after we had been using condoms religiously, something aweful happened and that is why I switched to birth control. One night during sex our condom broke inside of me and niether of us knew and we kept going. I was so scared until I got my period that I decieded, no more rubbers, Im switching to pills.

The only way I would truly know what it was that was keeping these sexual feelings surpressed would be if I had had another sexual partner in life besides only my husband. If i had been sexual with another man before my husband, I would be able to tell if it is just my husband, or if it is just me. I also have no sexual desire to cheat with other men. I don't think about other men, I don't think about being with other men, and I dont think about doing other men.

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Are you currently taking any medications?

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And if not, have you considered the effect of fear?

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ooo.. good point Set!

I second the question about other medications..
anti - depression, anti - anxiety meds can ALL offset your sexual desire to the point where you may feel like you should be a nun. ;-)
Combine those effects with birth control pills and the word sex wont even cross your lips.

If you noticed the sexual desire DROP when you started taking the pill... speak to your doctor . That can be a big sign of too many hormones and too high of a dose in your b/c pills.

With or with out meds, masturbation may be a big key here. You cant expect to get off and enjoy sex if you dont know how to? Get my point?
For women... when we have sex, we dont GET horny then HAVE sex. We have sex, THEN get horny. Confused

strange but , according to physical responces of the womans body... it is completely true.
You may not be interested at first. Not mentally and espically not physically. So give it some time. 1 hour! Start slow. An hour is a long time.
;-)

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I find that I really don't want it at all sometimes...and then hubby starts getting frisky and before you know it, I am practically begging. Shewolf is right.

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No I am not on any other medication, I am taking Ortho Tri Cyclen, and its not the Lo because I am taking this birth control specifically to get rid of acne as well. I have switched to a generic brand and I started to get acne again so I do not want to get off the pill I am on.

I don't really get "horney" or I would but very rarely. Lately I have not wanted to be intimate because I know that it will just lead to sex and I just don't want it.

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I would first rule out medical reasons...i would talk to your doctor, make sure you get your thyroid checked, and go ahead and get blood drawn to test your hormones.
If no medical reason can be found, then i would suggest counceling....there may be some underlying issues....Stress could be one of them! One of the stressors could be your concern about your sexual desire. You sound like you have given up hope, and that you think you aren't normal, and its really bothering you. I would really seek outside help, by a doctor or counselor. These message boards can be a big help, but i think you should seek a real diagnoses.
I'm in the quick reply section, i can't remember if you said if your hubby has noticed and is questioning you...has he expressed concern? If he has i hope its in a positive way...but if he has gotten angry that could be a prob too. He might want to know why, and from what i can tell, you have no answers to give. My advice is to get diagnosed.

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The Issue of...Sex

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