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Mon 23 May, 2005 08:23 am
I am 24yrs old and a newlywed of 7 months. My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. I have been having doubts about my marriage, and wondering if I got married way to soon. I do love my husband. He is my best friend. The problem is... I jumped into the marriage without finding myself first. I gave up all of my dreams (to live and work in the fashion industry in New York City), to settle down in a small country town where the only jobs available are industrial. I thought that being married was all I needed, but I am feeling like I am living his life and not my own. Now on to the worst part. I was at my best friends wedding this past weekend. My husband couldn't go because he was at a bacehlor party for his best friend. My husband was acting weird on the phone, very distant. We had a little disagreement before I left for the wedding. I had way to many martini's during the reception when a guy I knew from college began flirting with me. I told him I was married right off the bat. Yet he still flirted with me. He began to ask about my marriage, and I explained to him everything I wrote above. The rest of the night he kept trying to flirt with me, and asked if he could kiss me. I told him no a million times. At the end of the night I was about to pass out in my hotel room (where everyone came back to party) when he pulled me on his lap, grabbed my face and kissed me. I pulled away and immediately felt sick. I kept thinking, "What am I doing? This isn't me." I was so drunk I couldn't see straight. I tried to get up and go to my bed to lie down when he grabbed me again and kissed me harder. I pulled away and got into my bed. He followed, got into bed, and kissed me again. I pushed him and told him I was going to sleep and then I passed out. It is now a day later and I can't eat or sleep. I feel sick to my stomach. My husband is the sweetest most admirable person in the world. I don't deserve to be his wife. The only good thing that has come from this is that I now am secure in my feelings for my husband. I love him and I am glad that I married him. This whole thing has finally put my life in perspective. But the guilt is killing me. The thought of what happened makes me hate myself to the point where I wish I could crawl in a hole and die. I don't know how people cheat by going all the way with someone else, because all I did was kiss another man and I am ready to jump off a bridge. I disrespected my husbands honor and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.
Has anyone ever been in this situation? Would you tell your husband if you were me? I have never come even close to anything like this before and I am freaking out. Please be honest with me.
Ok there's another thread a bit like this, from about a week ago so i would find that and read it because you'll get most of the advice you need
Key thing to remember: the way you tell this story you had no choice in the matter of being kissed
I would advise talking to hubbie about how you feel but not telling him about the kiss
I can't shake it
True, I never once tried to kiss him. He grabbed my face every time and kissed me, but it would take me a second to pull back. I did like the attention he was giving me. He made me feel desirable. But I never had any attentions of kissing or going any further with him. I never flirted with him. I talked to him about my marriage the whole time. I was so drunk and mad at my husband that I think I gave the impression that I didn't love him and that I wasn't happy. I can't shake the guilt. I have decided that I am not going to tell him, but I don't know if I can live with the guilt. Looking into his eyes and telling him how much I love him... it's the truth, but I feel like a horrible person.
Don't tell your husband, it will only hurt his feelings and then he'll dwell on it too. Try to forget about it... you will. Just put it out of your mind and think about all the other things that happened at the wedding. Oh wait, you said this guy pursued you constantly? Well, just forget about the whole darn thing.
Instead, concentrate on what your husband might have been doing during the Bachelor Party.
Piffka wrote:Instead, concentrate on what your husband might have been doing during the Bachelor Party.
ariana wrote:My husband couldn't go because he was at a bacehlor party for his best friend. My husband was acting weird on the phone, very distant.
He was probably just distracted by the lap dance.
fvck that. Tell your husband, so he can beat that guy's ass who was basically trying to rape you.
The next morning I was very angry at the guy, and I am still a little bit angry. When I said no the first time, he should have walked away. But then again, I could have walked away too.
Quote:I pushed him and told him I was going to sleep and then I passed out.
I can't quite tell from this if you think there is a chance that you
were raped? Do you mean literally passed out, or just that you were very tired?
I know for a fact I wasn't raped. I had 4 glasses of wine, 3 martini's, and 2 beers. I weigh 105lbs. So, I had way too much to drink, and passed out. I still remember everything to the point where I fell asleep.
AS SOMEONE EXPLAINED TO ME ONCE getting drunk like that does indicate a desire to abandon all regular habits and let your hair down.
I am glad you had these relizations and may you be better for it.I still think sharing love and affection with others is highly favorable.The peole of Thailand have this kind of relationship with themselves.
Oh and ariana,
the thing about you not living you own life and only living his will only get worse. Please tell me you're not a stay at home wife cause that will drive you nuts. if you can't make a living doing the thing you love then make it your hobby.
I once heard a wise quote that went something like this. "Take the #1 favorite thing you love to do and make it your hobby. Then take the #2 favorite thing to do and make that your career"
ariana wrote:I know for a fact I wasn't raped. I had 4 glasses of wine, 3 martini's, and 2 beers. I weigh 105lbs. So, I had way too much to drink, and passed out. I still remember everything to the point where I fell asleep.
But after you fell asleep/ passed out? The last thing that happened before you did was repeatedly pushing him away as he continued to make his unwelcome advances.
Obviously it's a horrible possibility and I hope not.
The same type of thing happened to me a few weeks ago, different situation but same circumstances. I too felt absolutely awful. Even thought I didn't kiss him either, he kissed me, I blamed myself. It's been about a month since it happened to me and the quilt has faded. I feel much better about myself and I don't blame myself at all anymore. You'll feel real crappy for about a week and then realize there is no way it was your fault. I never told my husband and I'm glad I didn't. He would have felt just as badly as I did and I wouldn't want him to feel any pain. He doesn't deserve it.
But ariana from what I have read: it wasn't your fault, not one bit. the other creep was really forcing it upon you - there is guilt, but if your husband trusts you, he should also trust that what happened was not your fault, you were too drunk to fight back properly but not too drunk to realise that you still loved him and absolutly refused, as much as you could to kiss the creep back. You have to trust your husband and he has to trust you back. Is there trust?
Yes we trust each other completely. I think that is why I am not going to tell him. It would ruin him. I am now somewhat pass the guilt stage, and I am extremely angry. I have talked to my friends who were there, and they said I kept walking away from the guy all night but he wouldn't leave me alone. They said he was going on and on about how I need to get a divorce and saying awful things about my husband when he doesn't even know him. They also said that all night his friends were giving him 'props' for going after me. The next morning he said, as he was walking to the car, "I am going to call your friend to get your number." He is disgusting. He took advantage of me. Thank god it didn't go any further than a kiss! Even though I now realize that it wasn't all my fault, I am still not going to tell my husband. The guy lives 3 hours away... there is no chance of running into him. Nobody knows except 3 of my best friends who all know I was taken advantage of. I don't want to cause my husband any unneccessary pain. It has flipped my world upside down and caused me pain beyond measure. But that is what I get for putting myself in that kind of situation. I learned my lesson and I am better for it. Thank you all who responded and gave me advice. I was in a bad place and you guys helped me out of it. I don't know what I would have done without your help. Thanks.
ariana wrote: I have talked to my friends who were there, and they said I kept walking away from the guy all night but he wouldn't leave me alone. They said he was going on and on about how I need to get a divorce and saying awful things about my husband when he doesn't even know him. They also said that all night his friends were giving him 'props' for going after me.
I would be pretty upset with your "friends". I can't believe they didn't get that guy away from you, knowing what kind of state you were in. If my friends witnessed something like that, they would have killed they guy. That's what friends do.
kablee wrote:I would be pretty upset with your "friends". I can't believe they didn't get that guy away from you, knowing what kind of state you were in. If my friends witnessed something like that, they would have killed they guy. That's what friends do.
Here here.
That said... the majority of my friends are male, and a lot of them are like over-protective big brothers at times when i'm drunk so maybe it wouldn't be the same with female friends... but i'd still expect them to do SOMETHING
I agree. My friends should have done something. I thought they were busy trying to hook up with other guys, but if they took the time to notice that guy coming on to me then they could take the time to do something about it. I didn't think about that before.
The worst time to drink is when you are angry with your spouse, he's not there, and there are available men around. Invariably, there will be one dog who will take advantage of your vulnerability. In addition, the fact that you confided in the guy about your marital problems, (which are not his business) indicates to me that you put yourself in a peculiar position.
My suggestion to you is never to drink in mixed company if your husband is not with you.
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