Baghdad Mosque Closings Spark Weapons Shortage

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Since Friday's announcement by a Sunni Muslim cleric that Baghdad's Sunni Mosques would close for three days to protest killings blamed on Iraqi security forces, consumers said they're struggling to find alternate sources for weaponry.

"My children and I stood on line at a back-alley dealer for seven hours just to buy mortar rounds," said one unnamed local resident. "My uncle just called and he's got one rocket-propelled grenade left, and has completely exhausted his family's supply of roadside bombs."

Indeed, industry sources report that the price of all kinds of small armaments jumped 73 percent within minutes of the announcement that the mosques would close.

"When you get an improvised explosive device at the mosque, you can rely on the quality," said one unnamed regular customer. "But a lot of the stuff you buy on the street is shoddy work that might send you to Allah before you get to the crowd of infidels. I think we're going to see a lot of second-rate martyrdom work until the mosques re-open."

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From the same news source . . .
'No Croc Left Behind' to Help Evolutionary Failures

by Scott Ott
(2005-02-24) -- After the recent discovery of two ancient crocodile skulls which closely resemble modern crocodiles despite 40 million years of evolution, the National Science Foundation (NSF) today issued a grant of $56 million to fund the new 'No Croc Left Behind' (NCLB) program.

The program, administered by the American Institute of Biological Science (AIBS) is designed to end the "soft bigotry of low expectations which has kept crocodiles mired in the backwaters of evolutionary progress for tens of millions of years."

Genetic scientists at AIBS will attempt to "aggressively hyper-evolve" the modern crocodile to "bring it more in line with Darwinian expectations."

"We're designing some random mutations to improve the crocodile's survivability," said an unnamed AIBS scientist, "Future croc features might include a retractable periscope, a gas-powered outboard motor and perhaps skin that's unfit for making shoes and purses. Of course, taxonomically, it will still be a crocodile...but we're just scientists, not miracle workers."

Baghdad Mosque Closings Spark Weapons Shortage

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