Together 5 years--no more passion. Is this normal?

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My boyfriend and I have been together nearly five years, and this is the only serious relationship either of us has had. I don't have any friends i'm close enough to to discuss this with, so I can't get any input other than from my bf, and have no other personal experience to go from.

We really love each other and love to spend time together, he's a really nice person and the best friend i've ever had. But since we started having sex (three years ago) he's stopped kissing me almost completely other than little pecks on the cheek like you'd get from a maiden aunt. (Blech) It's sweet, but no passion. He's admitted he only made out with me before that primarily as a substitue for sex and then wasn't interested anymore, and i've been telling him for the past three years that it's really, really important to me to kiss because i think it is such a lovely bonding thing, but to no avail. He says no guys are very interested in kissing, and after five years most couples aren't that romantic or passionate. He knows that he doesn't really have any way of knowing whether that's true, but just says he thinks it's true.

Besides kissing, or the lack thereof, he's uncomfortable giving me compliments and rarely makes me feel attractive. (I have low self-esteem anyway.) He is also very--hmm, how to put it-- utilitarian, so to speak, about sex. ABSOLUTELY NO foreplay, no different positions, the occasional maiden-aunt peck on the forehead during. He just doesn't seem very interested. All this contributes to my crappy self-esteem, although I don't really think the problem is me-- I'm no beauty queen, but I'm not letting myself get way out of shape or anything, I'm the same size as when he used to like to watch me undress and stuff. So what happened?

Question 1: is he right that most relationships aren't romantic after five years? (although it's actually been since about 2.5 years in)

Question 2: if I'm right and most couples are still more romantic than this, is there any hope of him changing?

P.S. I don't need any shouts of "dump him!!!" I still really love him, and besides, I'm not exactly a prize either, in my own ways... Smile

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Romance
I think maybe you are just getting so used to each other and the effort is beginning to trail off. Maybe on his part more than yours. Try giving some subtle hints about a romantic weekend away. This might work. I see no reason why he shouldn't want to kiss you. Maybe if you've already tried to make an effort you should just say that you're not happy and you need more romance. Try backing off from things that he likes, if you know what i mean. Rolling Eyes

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Plus I don't think most relationships are like this if you continue to make an effort. This could be needed at anytime. I've been living with my boyfriend for 2 years and i can tell things are changing in a more settled way. It depends on the person.

You know what i think men are just different that way!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try not to worry.

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How old are you two? This will make a big difference.

Relationships take work. Anyone who says otherwise is living in a fantasy.

My hubby and I have been together for 5 years and yes, we don't have 6 hour conversations and stare all googly eyed at each other but we still kiss and hug and snuggle. The point is making the effort. Sometimes, the last thing you want after a long day is someone hanging on you so you compromise. Instead of 15 minutes of snuggle time, you give 7 minutes. Both parties are giving up something and everyone gets a little of what they want.

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Some study a few years ago said that we don't hold the capacity to be able to extend passion completely throughout a long relationship. I don't remember the exact figures but as far as a meaningful loving relationship goes, passion should be replaced with the feelings you each share. Not necessarily the extreme passionate feelings, but more of the "i'll do what it takes to make them happy" type of feeling. Passion comes in short bursts and thats not a pun... other than that tell him he's wrong about the kissing thing. Some girls I can't kiss enough. But I suppose thats all relative to the person.

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Yeah, I agree that he's definitely not correct about all men not being into kissing.

I think I remember that you're quite young, Dora, and unfortunately virtually every relationship I know of that started that young and lasted that long hits this spot. At least two of the couples I'm thinking of split up, went their separate ways for a while, and then got back together. (I don't know how long they lasted after that, though.)

I was in a serious relationship 18-20 -- when that spot hit, we started doing stuff like pretending to pick each other up (meet at a bar, pretend we didn't know each other, etc.) and it worked, but I think it worked a little too well -- shortly after that, the guy had an affair. :-? (If playacting is so fun, why not do the real thing?)

I know none of this is what you want to hear, sorry.

I don't believe for a minute that passion can't be sustained that long -- hubby's been around for 13 years how and, well... But there does seem to be something about first relationships, something loud and persistent about "what am I missing?"

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NIMBY.

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thanks for the responses guys (although what's NIMBY mean, bvt?), it's really helpful to hear someone else's take on things since as i said, there's not really anyone i talk to about things like this for an outside opinion. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just the way it is when you've been together for a while and started to get settled, but it just keeps bothering me. I don't know if I'm just having unrealistic expectations or what.

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The current fella and I have been together abuot 4.5 years. He's still a kissity, huggity guy.

My parents - it's 49 years for them (maybe this week - happy anniversary to hamburger and mrs. hamburger) - and while it's likely not eggggzactly the same as 49 years ago ... hamburger continues to compliment mrs. hamburger and treats her the way a woman who is loved should be treated.

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oh - and NIMBY - not in my backyard

Ed's telling you that he hasn't stopped with the lovey-dovey stuff with the gal he's loved for nearly 20 years. :wink:

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Aww, some sweet guys are out there somwhere! I guess i just have to realize that we are on different pages as far as what level of affection is okay. He really is sweet in a lot of ways, I can never decide if I'm just being too picky.

I also wonder about what sozobe mentioned, that it just doesn't work out very well to be with someone so long when you're young. But I don't think it feels right to break up over an issue like this when we seem so compatible and so happy in most other ways. Our interests and outlook and goals all go together so well. But on the other hand, in thirty years I don't want to realize I'm reenacting his parents' marriage--or my parents' marriage, for that matter. And affection seems to be something that really matters to me, more than it should maybe... does anyone think that there's much chance of him learning to be more demonstrative?

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I'll come in here in my stern aunt persona. Please please please (begging stern aunt) do not set your life up with a fellow who doesn't like to kiss and doesn't have a clue about foreplay.)

Foreplay is a semitough word for touches of love. Touches of love matter, now and for years to come. Please don't shut yourself out of this whole world of love from some sense of what you should do or shouldn't.

Life is long, long, and longer. Usually, anyway.

Loyalty to this fellow? Well, loyalty should to be to talk to him straight. But you don't owe him your life.

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Thanks for your reply, osso, I was hoping to hear from you as I've noticed you always seem to give good solid advice on the relationships forum.

My instincts keep telling me what you're saying is right, that if I want to spend my life with someone I'd better find someone who can give me the affection I crave so much. And I have done the talking to him straight thing, many times. That's why I sometimes feel like there's no hope of him changing, because it's not like he doesn't know what I want, and he makes a lot of promises that never happen. I've been talking about it off and on for two years! It's not that we don't talk, if anything we over-talk.

But this last time almost seems like it somehow made a difference. I don;t know why it would be any different than the million other times i've asked him to be more affectionate, but it sort of seems like it has had an effect. Too soon to tell if it'll last though. I told him how much I wish I had that feeling of being sort of cherished and taken care of, and he said he had no idea I felt like that because I'm usually such a feminist. I guess I somehow put it in words that made sense to him and got thru in a way I hadn't before (Maybe), and the last few days have been better.

I'm really trying to accept all the loving things he does do, like putting his arm around me or giving me a kiss on the head, and not focus so much on what he doesn't do.. The sex problems are such a tangled mess, because part of the problem is me being on birth control... that's such a weird subject, it would take a whole thread of it's own to discuss all the side effects of birth control Sad

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I'm glad, Dora; I hope things work out well.

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Together 5 years--no more passion. Is this normal?

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