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Importance of sexual attraction in a romantic relationship?

 
 
Reply Thu 6 Jun, 2019 05:48 am
Hi,

I feel like I need outside advice on my relationship/breakup.

How important is sexual attraction in an otherwise healthy, loving, affectionate and fulfilling relationship?

I have been with a girl since November 2017. We are both in our 30s.
I am struggling answering the question above. When we began dating, I found her to be very graceful in how she moved and very elegant in the way she would dress and carry herself. However, I never had the raw physical attraction that I have had with other women that I have been in a relationship with. We continued dating and became very close. I have always felt that we have had much more of an emotional connection than a sexual/physical one.

Things were ok in the bedroom, sex was OK. Not the best I ever had, and I don't think it was the best she ever had either. With time I realised that I was not as attracted to her. I didn’t enjoy touching her body much, the touching was more for foreplay leading to sex and it became more about just getting it over with sex (which she would initiate more often than I did). She gives more during sex than I do.

We don’t live together, and on the days when she wasn’t there I would masturbate instead. I have also fantasized about other girls when we have been having sex. I also feel very attracted to women I meet who fall into my “attraction zone”.

But we cuddle a lot and that is when I really enjoy the intimacy that we have.

I have been struggling a lot with this. She has all the qualities that I can imagine having in a life partner, but the attraction and sex is missing. She knows how I feel (I have not been 100% honest about my attraction because she is sensitive about her body and I don’t want to hurt her or make her feel insecure). I have mentioned however that the sexual attraction is not as strong for me and that itself hurt her.

I wanted to keep trying thinking that sexual attraction eventually wears off anyway and it is the other qualities that carry one through life, but I have now come to a point where I think I am just trying to convince myself of that statement instead of being true to myself.

Last night I broke up with her. And I don’t know if it is the smartest choice I made.

Please give me your thoughts. Thank you

TL;DR How important is sexual attraction in an otherwise healthy, loving, affectionate and fulfilling relationship?
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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 244 • Replies: 7
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 6 Jun, 2019 06:23 am
Well, it’s very important in my opinion.

So you did the right thing.

She most likely didn’t feel those sparks either. Now she too can look for someone who turns her on.

Can you think about this for a while? Try to think of what was missing and what you need to meet your own “ turnon” threshold. Look at this lady and those around her. You say she was so fabulous, but Something was off. Be sure you define it.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Thu 6 Jun, 2019 08:10 am
@forummer,
forummer wrote:


How important is sexual attraction in an otherwise healthy, loving, affectionate and fulfilling relationship?




That is entirely up to you and the other person.

Why should it matter what anyone else but the 2 of you think about it?

I think the word "otherwise" is completely unnecessary.

How important is sexual attraction in a healthy, loving, affectionate and fulfilling relationship?

Answers will vary from not at all important, to very important.

That's not for others to decide.

0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Thu 6 Jun, 2019 04:55 pm
@forummer,
Quote:
How important is sexual attraction in an otherwise healthy, loving, affectionate and fulfilling relationship?
Don't ask an internet forum for an answer to this question - only you can answer this, because:

- for some it's very important, for others not so much (so no one can tell you)
- Most have a number of things that are very important to them in a relationship, with different weightings they give to each (eg work ethic, socialness, attractiveness, compatibility, humour etc). Only you can know how many characteristics in a relationship that are important to you are present in this relationship, how important each one is, and whether or not the sex thing is a deal breaker.
- sex enhances all the other aspects of a relationship (but doesn't replace the other aspects). It can't make a bad relationship good. Only you can know how good the rest of it is, and how much happiness that contributes to your life.

Work out what you want. Don't let others tell you what you want.
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Jewels Vern
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 6 Jun, 2019 06:14 pm
For thousands of years the basic relationship was a man who would work and a woman who would cook. Maybe the man bought his woman. Today we have a lot of distractions, but we are still humans and the important things have not changed: sex is important but not very important.
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TenderTinder
 
  0  
Reply Thu 6 Jun, 2019 08:11 pm
@PUNKEY,
Very Important if you plan on marrying her, would she be more attractive sexually if she did something differently?
0 Replies
 
holyanderson
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 05:46 am
no doubt, sexual attraction is important for any relationship if you going to marry with them. Without any kind of attraction, you can not spend a happy married life for a long time
0 Replies
 
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 07:53 am
@forummer,
You did well. A strong sexual attraction to the other person is very important, especially when you're young. If you're 60-something you might look for tenderness and good companionship only, but if you're in your 30s, you want and need the sex. If a partner doesn't like the sex he/she's getting in the couple, chances are he/she will look for it elsewhere.
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