I’m not in the correct circumstances to approach my crush

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This girl goes to my school and is in almost all of my classes, and I even sat next to her in a few. This was about 6 months ago, and during this time I hadn’t yet developed feelings for her— I just saw her as a nice and funny person.

As I spent more and more time talking with her (during class only, I’ll talk more about that) I started to realise I was falling for her. We joked about the teachers and other class related things, but never really anything else. But it was then I realised that exams were coming and I would potentially never see her in class again. The easy solution would be to talk with her outside of class and then school, yes I know..

But that’s the problem. My school has a typical social hierarchy which became mostly fixated during early years. Once you were in a group, that was pretty much it. It was the boys who often set the example of their confidence, and the girls interested in being around that level would talk with them. I’m pretty low on this hierarchy, and she is unsurprisingly higher. That’s why it’s almost impossible for me to approach her outside of class, when she will be with everyone else from her group who all view me as inferior to them. It’s simply not possible for me to approach her like this, and similarly she could not come to me and my friends. I know that some will probably say if I really cared, I’d do it anyway. And I would, if I knew she was interested.

And that’s another issue. I simply can’t tell if she’s interested in me and can’t express it because of the difference in social status, or if she just doesn’t like me. One time she texted me about class and I found she continued the conversation, but still only discussing school. This made me feel like she’s interested but not fully comfortable. At this point I started texting her occasionally and even took the extra step by asking her about other things. But I felt like this made her uncomfortable and it didn’t flow as well compared to when I talked to her about school. Is she not willing to talk to me because she is not interested, or because she feels like she can’t?

We have this thing where whenever someone or the teacher would say something stupid in class (we sit far away in this one) we would glance at each other and exchange expressions, and I do speak to her out of class but often only very briefly.

The main problem is, (cliche incoming) she’s out of my league, and it isn’t just because she’s attractive and has an amazing personality. It’s because of real, fixated social groups, where I am in the lower end and she is higher. My only chance of talking to her now is outside of class, so what do I do?

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@whyamihere,

You're going to wake up one day and be 45 years old, and wonder why you didn't just go up to her and have a conversation.

Look forward to that.

1 Reply

@chai2,

I’ve thought about that and I agree, so I think I will. I’m just wondering if there might be a better time.

2 Replies

@whyamihere,

There is usually not a better time to do anything but now.

As you age and mature, you'll figure out what things you should wait on, but this is not one of them.

IMNSHO, when afraid to do something, you should ask yourself if you will look back in 20 years, and ask yourself "What was I so afraid of?"

In this specific case, not so much about the girl, but are you really going to let some arbitrary "rule" about who is worthy to talk to who, coming from a bunch of kids your age? One's that in a couple/few years time you won't even associate with anymore?

There's nothing special or particularly powerful about them. They're just a bunch of people that have the same insecurities, but cover them up by hanging out in the right crowd.

Screw them. I don't mean that in an angry or hateful way towards them.

Just say "screw them", and do what you want, regardless of what they think.

And if it doesn't work out with this girl? So what? It's not the end of the world. Things will be fine.

1 Reply

@whyamihere,

I agree with Chai on this. I can understand your side - the hesitation because of "social hierarchy". I have a daughter in college and one currently in high school. And there is a definitely this odd social hierarchy that seems almost arbitrary..meaning it is not based on looks, grades, --- but kind of where you fell in with friends. It almost doesn't make much sense.

It is basically dumb. If you like someone in a different "social class" and they like you be bold. It will actually show something of your character. I bet there are many other kids that want to break this structure. Look at it this way -- if you don't try you will never know. If you are happy and would be settled with then - then you aren't the type comfortable with doing this.

Personally I think you should. If she seems as nice as you are describing her - the worst that would happen is she would "friendzone" you - although not ideal it isn't the end of the world and I would imagine better to know than not know. If she is a strong girl with good self confidence -- they social hierarchy shouldn't matter to her.

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@whyamihere,

Quick story. I had this girl I was infatuated with in high school. I was outgoing but always got nervous when dealing with the whole dating thing with girls. Anyway, this girl was, as you say, out of my league. But after much thought and trying to work up the courage to ask her out, I figured that the absolute worst thing that could happen was for her to turn me down. And really, what would be so bad about that? Nothing. The world would not end. I might be disappointed but I would get over it.

So I went for it. And...she turned me down. And guess what? I was fine with that. I decided she just was not meant for me to date. And even though it stung a bit, it reinforced the notion that I would be ok with the occasional turn down. If I had never asked her, I might have wondered for many years what might have been if I had asked. And that would have been much worse than being turned down.

So yeah, go for it. Call her and ask her out. She will either say yes or no. Either way, you won't regret it in the long run.

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@whyamihere,

whyamihere wrote:

I’ve thought about that and I agree, so I think I will. I’m just wondering if there might be a better time.

Is your house on fire? Are you on fire? Is her house on fire? Is she presently on fire?

If you answered yes to any of those questions? Get yourself or her some help immediately.

If all of the answers are no? And there is no life or death emergencies that need addressing? There is no better time to approach your crush.

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@chai2,

Thank you for the advice. I spoke to her briefly today

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Yeah, it’s weird as the groups aren’t really based around anything physical. Thank you for the advice

0 Replies

@whyamihere,

whyamihere wrote:

Thank you for the advice. I spoke to her briefly today

Aaaand......???

Was she friendly enough to you?

You know, a lot of times young people come on here and ask "What should I say to him/her?"

There's no magical sequence of words.

It's totally fine to just say "hi", because then it's the other persons turn to talk.

That's another thing. People sometimes spend so much time trying to think not only the "perfect" thing to say, but want to say all these things seemingly at once, that will end up by the end of a minute or something in being boyfriend/girlfriend. (exaggeration)

Conversation is a journey. It's 2 or more people talking, not just you. Not filling up every second when facing someone with talk talk talk is good.

Actually, I'm all for just saying "hi" or "how are you" or some general comment each time you run into each other, until you or she actually having something else to say to each other.

Just saying "hello" to another person several times over the course of time makes 2 people comfortable with each other. You quickly become 2 people who are fine in each others presence, and saying a word or 2.

That word or 2 can easily then become a sentence, then a short conversation, and so on.

2 Replies

@chai2,

Oh.
Something else from a females (mine) perspective.

Keep in mind I'm much older than you, but the principles are the same regardless of age.

Back in the day when I was single, and would go out with friends to a club or bar, I remember feeling really uncomfortable when a guy would be chatting me up, and it seems like he just couldn't leave space for a breath.
Question, question, pause for my answer which wasn't really listened to, getting a "That cool!" to whatever I said. Then another round of saying something about themselves, saying something else, asking question, then another, not really waiting for response, question, question, telling me something else about themselves, which was probably nothing I was interested in. I remember thinking "why don't they just shut up already!"

Didn't have to be a bar, it was just that many times it felt like the other person had some kind of job, and wanted to get it done.

Let me tell you about the first big romance I had, it was in college.

I saw a boy I thought was awfully cute, and he saw me. That went on for awhile, we never seemed to be close enough to even say "hi" as we would both be running to class.
One time when I was going into my dorm with a girlfriend, he was outside his dorm, fixing something on his bike. I remember running into my room to put my stuff down, comb my hair, and I ran back outside from the other end of the building so I could "casually" pass him.....He apparantly had finished working on his bike and had riden off. Rats.

A few days later, I was walking across the grass by this guys dorm, and there was a picnic table with some girls I knew sitting around it, and some guys. I went and sat with them, and we were all talking.

Then, one of the swing out windows on the first first floor of the dorm swung out, and cute guy stepped through it. I thought it was so cool stepping out your dorm window. Cool

.

He strolled over and sat down, because he knew the guys there. Over time, one by one, the other people left, eventually leaving the 2 of us. We talked, but not constantly. A lot of the time we just sat in each others company. Eventually one of us said "I'm hungry, want to get something to eat?"

That was the start of a 5 year relationship.

I told him about rushing out when he was fixing his bike, and he told me how he saw me through his bedroom window, when he should have been studying, and came out. They were good memories for both of us.

I'll bet if most people told how they met someone important, it would be on the same, no big deal, just talkin' or not talkin', happy in each others company type of thing.

0 Replies

@chai2,

If it’s the perfect time or place to have a conversation it usually works out. It went fine, but again we didn’t really talk about anything other than school which is what I think the problem is. Also most of the time she is with her friends who wouldn’t even consider the possibility of having an actual conversation with me, which is why it’s much easier in class (where I may never see her again)

1 Reply

@whyamihere,

Please keep us updated, now i want to know what happened!

0 Replies

@whyamihere,

Honestly when is someone ever in the correct circumstance to approach a crush?
Personally I had a real bad experience w one of my crushes a while ago n anything tht happens to u will prolly be better. Suffice it to say tht on the social scale I too am a no-freaking-body, my only saving graces being the fact tht I have the highest grades in class n I sing pretty well, better than most of the ppl in class. Hence I am welcome enough in the popular crowd. They need my notes tbh Thts it's. But a while back I had this crazy fiasco where I lied to a couple friends n they demolished me n yeah I fell deep into the throes of depression, attempted suicide, cut myself (still cut myself) n ofc my crush had to crash onto the scene like my Knight in shining armour. He was so sweet to me really seemed to listen n then a couple ppl told me he had a crush on me too. I was hyped n **** n kinda flirted w him n all n then a while later I happened upon his insta page n he had posted my name w the caption "thoughts on this one". N yeah everyone had some srs dirt to throw on me including Mr KnightInShiningArmour who made fun of everything ranging from my body to my depression n called me a naive bitch to think he really cares for me since (get this!) he was already dating one of the popular girls n this was some kinda elaborate prank he pulled so they had fodder to make fun of me.
So yeah Thts the story of my crush n how I talked with but didn't really talk w him abt the (fake on his end) stuff between us so take heart from this bc I guess it can't get worse than this for u?
What to do abt ur crush so you've already talked to her right? Did u cut to the chase n get directly to the point or just say hi n see where it went from there? I'd suggest being completely open w her. Tell her how u feel n tht u think ur kinda outta her league but really like her n ask if she would she be willing to grow closer. Don't beat around the bush bc personally I think tht gets really annoying n yeah ppl can tell when u have smth to say but ur not really saying it. So just go on n say exactly what u think. Easier said then done but I'm currently facing a similar problem w my current crush n I received this advice from a friend n I liked it so i thought I'd pass it on. Don't even say it to her face to face, text her if Thts easier. For me Thts better n I think I'll feel less humiliated if my crush turns me down. Maybe it's the same for u?

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I’m not in the correct circumstances to approach my crush

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