Understanding my husband's comment

Lose the insecurity.

Men are visually stimulated. It is quite normal for a man to be sexually stimulated at any time of the day by things or people he sees. Being male, i feel confident in making this assertion.

I rather think you should be flattered that he does indeed find you the most stimulating of a flood of stimuli which come to him, unbidden, each day.

I think it was nothing more than a statement of the times. We all see these images every day -- on billboards, the tv, in magazines. It's what is used to sell things. It may be that you don't notice it as much as he does.

A bit more info...
A bit more info...

My husband is into porn actually (and has been since he was about 11, not an addiction just a habit) which I have been working hard (even going to therapy) to understand and come to peace with. He is a wonderful man and I belive he would not cheat but we have had issues whereas he "goes to himself" for sex rather than with me. He is very used to masturbation and we have been working on this and trying to strengthen the marriage. I am always willing and hoping by the way so the masturbation issue is not due to my lack of interest, it is more due to his old habits, stress, not wanting to deal with full fledged sex, etc. I am currently pregnant so am feeling a bit vulnerable, I don't usually go fishing for info but did ask him if he still thought I was sexy and he got annoyed. He said, 'sexy, why do you care about sexy' and then went on to say he sees thousands of sexy things in the world but that they are shallow and meaningless, just passing thoughts but what we have is real and so much deeper.

I guess what is bugging me is that we still have the issues with him "going to himself" rather than me and I wonder what the root of things are (talking to him and even therapy has not helped reveal anything on this yet). I just wondered what others thought about this.

Thanks again,
Pantuuf

I second Setanta on this one. It is a compliment of the highest order from a male standpoint.

If everything else is shallow compared to what he has with you then you have nothing to worry about. It means all those images come with a built in comparison and he can't make that comparison without thinking of you.

Your husband got some game girl.. I might borrow that line he used on you...LOL

I've been married for more than 20 years, and if there's one piece of advice I can give you, it would be this:

Don't spend much time thinking about men's comments.

They don't.



P.S. Your insecurities are showing, m'dear. It may be the pregnancy hormones, or it may not. But please...try not to take things so seriously. He meant it as a high compliment, so take it as such and go on.

Well, the porn issue and the pregnancy shed a bit of light on the situation. It seems your problem is not with the comment, since taken alone it wouldn't bother you, but with the "going to himself" for sex. Pregnancy has a way of making your insecurities worse and it's not just the hormones. Your body is changing. You're going to be a mother. You are concerned that you will no longer be sexy or attractive. That's all understandable.

My suggestion is to break this problem up into parts.

1) The comment -- means nothing other than that he loves you.

2) The pregnancy -- ride it out. Buy yourself some maternity clothes that fit you well and that are stylish. Get your hair done. Look around you, there are a lot of very sexy women who are pregnant or who have had children.

3) The sex -- keep going to therapy. He is the way he is and it's not likely that it will change. Men and women both have a need to get off quickly sometimes without the obligation of another party. It's not about you. As long as your sexual needs are met, don't worry about it. But therapy is always good, especially if you can both go, because it helps to talk about it.

So true, and if they're backed into a corner by your demand for a detailed explanation of what they really meant, they might say something well-meaning that ends up sounding even worse to you than the original comment that got them in trouble.

This is why i always recommend that men grow faint and require a bit of a lie down whenever a woman asks if she might not be getting fat.

And they always ask it with that negative in the question so we men don't know if the correct answer is yes or no. Doesn't the double negative make the positive? OMG. I AM feeling faint.


Synonymph, Can't we just wait and talk about this at halftime? :wink:

Sometimes I think my husband is seeing me through sex goggles. Is it even humanly possible for my ass to look "perfect" or "exquisite" in everything I wear?

WOMAN: Do I look fat?
MAN: Do I look stupid?

I can honestly say that I have never asked a man that question. There's no point to it. If he says yes, he's an inconsiderate bastard and if he says no, he's an insincere liar. No win. I don't like to put people in that kind of position.

Besides, I always assume he likes me just the way I am or else he wouldn't be there. I really don't need anyone else's opinion. If and when I decide to lose weight, I do it for myself, not to keep a man. Who wants a man who's that hung up on weight anyway? I want to be valued for more important qualities.

Without a doubt . . . say, turn around again, 'k?

FreeDuck really lays it out nicely. I agree.

pantuuf: Speaking for myself, I see attractive women every day. Every man does. That is life. But they usually don't turn my head. If I see a woman that does make me take a second glance, it is but a fleeting moment, and does not affect my feelings for my wife, whom I consider to be the most beautiful and sexy woman alive. I have feelings for no other. And no visual stimulation is going to alter that. Perhaps your husband feels the same way about you?

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Would you PM me a photo? I'll give my honest opinion. .... Honest.