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Wed 11 May, 2005 10:47 am
When my husband and I got married, I was starting school online and the computer was supplied to me but I was not allowed to download or install any software onto it and my husband knew this. We had also discussed a lot of things, including porn, before we got married. I told him I have no problem with porn as long as it is used together or possibly sometimes when I'm not available, as long as he doesn't hide it from me. After a couple months I started runnning into porn and other downloaded programs hidden on my computer. When I confronted him, he told me that he didn't remember why he did it and that he has a problem with lying and he doesn't know why he does things, he just does them. The problem with lying was believable to me, but NOT not remembering. So after this happened numerous times I put a password on the computer. He got angry with me, but I ignored it.
After a few weeks, he begged me to let him use the computer and told me how could I learn to trust him again if I didn't give him a chance to prove that I could trust him? So I let him and the same thing continued. Once he masturbated to porn every morning before work so often to the point that he didn't orgasm during sex with me anymore. So I changed the password and told him he's off for good. Now he only uses it while I am with him. When I'm not there, he can't use it. So instead, the other night, while I had our kids at my parents to visit, he rented a porn from the video store instead, and then tried to hide it behind the tv. Which is completely stupid because I keep track of the money and budget it and he knows that, he's not good with money, so we agreed to it. So he had to have known that I would find out. When I asked where the money was, he tried to lie to me, but messed up what he was saying and had to tell the truth. I am sick of his lying. He even had the nerve to ask me for access to the computer again, saying that he wanted to prove I could trust him.
Which doesn't add up. If he has a problem lying and can't control what he does and doesn't remember what he isn't supposed to do, as he tells me, then how can he prove that I can trust him when it is apparently "out of his control"? So he told me he needs help and I told him to talk to a psyhiatrist. He said he would, but has made no move to do so. He knows how to find one, I see one myself for depression, so we've gone through it before.
Our sex life has been much better since I kicked him off the computer. As good as it was before we got married and before I had kids. But he still has problems telling me what he likes and answering personal questions about himself. I tell him everything about myself and he always tells me "I don't know" or "I can't remember" when I ask him about his sexual fantasies or things he's done in the past. It's driving me nuts, I feel like I'd have better luck talking to a wall. I'm sick of it, I feel like something is missing and I'm not happy. I've even started fantasizing about other men that I know and wondered what it would be like to go and meet up with one. And I've never considered cheating before.
There is one thing he is doing and I'm not sure if it is a problem or not. We used to work together before I had our second baby and we were always at work just on time, never early. Then when I quit to stay home, while he had access to the computer, he never left early for work either. But now that he hasn't been able to use it, I've been noticing that he leaves earlier and earlier for work. Sometimes 45 minutes early (its a five minute drive). He insists to me that he just likes to get there early to relax before work, but he used to tell me that he would rather relax at home and get to work just in time to start work. Am I right in thinking something is up and he's lying to me?? Could he be cheating on me? Or am I being paranoid?
I don't know. At this point, I really want to leave him. I've gone through enough bad relationships to know that this isn't working and I'm not happy. But I still keep making excuses for him and hoping he can get help. I just don't know how I feel anymore most days and don't really want to be with him. I feel like I deserve better.
But I was a single mother before we got married with my first son and if I leave him, I will have to be one again with two and I know how much work it is. Because that is the one thing he is really good with: our kids. He always gets up in the middle of the night to let me sleep. I would probably end up living with my parents for a while. I also would have to get a job and stick them both in daycare, which I hated when my first son was in one because he used to cry and cling to me every single time I left him and I felt so guilty. He would come home with new habits such as biting and hitting from the daycare. But at the same time, I really don't want to be with him anymore. I'm sick of being hurt everytime a new lie comes to the surface. And there always are more.
Any advice???
One other thing, he just had a vasectomy done yesterday because neither of us want any more kids at all. His instructions were no sexual activity for seven days after the surgery. He masturbated LAST NIGHT!!! The same day as the surgery. He says he can't go that long, that it is a habit, which I don't understand at all because I can just ignore it if I have to.
wow aurora, i am sorry you are having such a hard time. my concern would come with the part that the computer was from your schooling and i am guessing that you could potentially lose it if they found out software had been downloaded and installed. the fact that he would jeopardize that concerns me.
IMO i couldn't be with someone who i knew continually lied to me and then said they would get help which appears from your story to be yet another lie. i don't have children yet, so i can't really express any opinions on that. from the sounds of your story though, he may be lying about quite a few things.
I don't understand why you blocked him out of the computer...
You two seem to have an unhealthy way of using that machine: putting limits on each other and controlling each other does not solve the problem. It just suspends it in time...
The ONLY way he can ever prove himself to you is to be able to use the computer, and for you to see him change his habits. Maybe supervise some of the things he does from a distance, I don't know. But outright banning him is treating him like a child, and that does not seem to be a good idea if you want any actual solution for this to happen.
Is he cheating?? Do you really have no evidence aside from him leaving early? If so, don't assume the worst possible outcome
Investigate more first.
You can't escape every relationship that "isn't working"... I mean, you're -married- for crying out loud. Have you considered actual counseling for this?
Quote:I don't understand why you blocked him out of the computer...
Aurora dark, it sounded like she blocked him out because technically the computer isn't hers, it belongs to the online school she is going to and from the sounds of it, she was told not to download any software on to it which her husband then proceeded to do (not to mention possible viruses because porn sites are well known for those), possibly jeopardizing her schooling. This is just speculation on my part though, maybe the other aurora can answer for us. porn sites are well known for spyware and adware, not to mention opening up your computer to viruses. plus it sounded too like she gave him chances to prove himself afterward by letting him back on, but he continued to view porn. i don't think the issue is the actually viewing of porn, but more the lying and sneaking around her back.
Aurora8202, it also sounds to me like you are fishing for a reason to kick him out (cheating). if he is truly lying as much as you say he is, that should be reason enough to at least say look, get the help you/we need or get out. raising your children in an environment where lies are acceptable, IMO, sets a bad example for them.
Yes, the computer belongs to my school, not me, it is just supplied to me to use at home to take the program online. I had to sign documents agreeing not to download or install ANY software onto my computer. They also said I wasn't to visit inappropriate websites, etc.
Now the programs he downloaded and tried to hide from me were not porn programs, although he did download movie files. The programs he downloaded were kazaa, msn messenger, and yahoo. Msn was listed on the papers specifically, and he knew it, he just wanted to be able to talk to his friends he told me.
You are right, I shouldn't have put up with the lying, I guess I'm just scared of the changes I'd have to make to live without him. I have told him to get help and he's agreed, but he hasn't made any move to do so. I keep telling him that next time I'm leaving and then he comes up with a good excuse so I don't. I should just do it.
aurora8202 wrote:Yes, the computer belongs to my school, not me, it is just supplied to me to use at home to take the program online. I had to sign documents agreeing not to download or install ANY software onto my computer. They also said I wasn't to visit inappropriate websites, etc.
But if that's the case, why this?:
"We had also discussed a lot of things, including porn, before we got married. I told him I have no problem with porn as long as it is used together or possibly sometimes when I'm not available, as long as he doesn't hide it from me."
wouldn't you both be banned from porn anyway, regardless of who had permission or not?
unfortunately, the "next time" thing wont work until you stick to it. i feel for you because since i dont have children i dont know what it would be like in your situation other than it must be incredibly hard. it reads as though he has absolutely no respect for you or your schooling since he is jeopardizing it. trust me i am all for families staying together and in no way am i advocating divorce or separation. i just think you need to consider what is best for you and your children right now and if keeping him in the picture (without him getting any help) is the best.
aurora dark - I meant porn in general, there are other ways to get porn other than on the computer. Magazines, movies, etc. And once I am done school, if I keep the agreement and 70% or higher average, I get the computer, so it would be a possible issue in the future. We discussed porn as a general marriage subject before we got married.
take it from me... i have been through this
I have been through what you are going through. When kids are involved it maked it even harder to leave! For instance me and my boyfriend have been together 3 years and i just recently caught him cheating on me, I confronted him becasue i caught him, I love him and I have a 9 year old that loves him to death, i gave him one more chance and everthing has been great!! But you have given him how many chances?? He still does it and tries to hide it from you that means that he has lost total respect for you and there is no trust in the relationship! He is going to keep on doing the same thing over and over!! You deserve better than that you need to put your foot down and tell him that you have given him numerous chances and that each time he has gone back and done things anyway. he keeps on doing it becsue you allow him to get away with it!!!! do your seld a favor get away for a while move in with your parents you will find that your days will be much better than having to worry every single moment is he doing this where is he going whio is he with?? you will be a peace !! trust me!! I hope you do the right thing!!!
I don't think he's cheating. I think he's leaving for work early to have a wank either at work or somewhere else.
I also think the reason he's asking to use the computer again is for porn. If he thinks he might be able to get away with it, he's gonna try. He won't change. Some blokes are just like that unfortunately. Don't let him use the computer.
x
Dear aurora8202
Reading back thru the threads I see the common theme is the lying and the hiding of stuff. His secrecy and his complete lack of self control and self discpiline. What gives him such a sense of entitltement I wonder? (that he thinks it is okay to lie to you about what he's doing, and then go and do it anyway? that smacks of a complete lack of respect for you, the marriage & reflects his lack of commitment to trying to live honestly)
I don't want to put ideas into your head but maybe he's leaving for work early to maybe go to an internet cafe to view porn there before going to the office? Or go via somewhere where he can get his rocks off alone.
If you're in charge of the budget, then he can pay for these things in cash. Net cafes are very cheap, and it also costs almost nothing to masturbate to a spank mag in the car. He can also use his msn & yahoo chat programs at a Net cafe to 'talk to his friends'.
You're between a rock & a hard place. Reading back thru the thread, I think you know what needs to be done for your emotional health and also for your childrens' sake - but it is very, very hard. Clouded by the fact that you really do love him and you desperately want to trust him.
Let me ask you this ... if he is so willing to address his lying issues and he is capable of making an appt with a therapist, why hasn't he done it yet? You should not have to make his appt for him, for that really is treating him like a child and bossing him about - but really. He's an adult. If he wanted to face his demons, he'd have made the appt himself by now.
Would you both be willing to try couples counselling? (which seems a common theme in this particular forum!) I think if the 2 of you can go, then you should consider doing it TOGETHER.
What do you think? Would he agree to something like that?
Lastly, it shocked me that he was willing to jeopardise your study by flaunting the school's rules. That is not acceptable as you laid out the boundary - he walked right over it. It should not have mattered WHAT he was downloading - the fact is that he downloaded anything which put your education at risk shows he was only thinking about himself at that time. If you wanted to throw your education away, then that's your decision. It was not his place to put it at risk. Know what I mean?
I hope you're doing ok.
jazzie
Hang in there! It's good that you've found A2K as an outlet and a place to talk. I'd like to comment but this weekend is crazy! I'll come back hopefully with words of encouragement. Sounds like you are getting some thoughful insight.
[quote]But I was a single mother before we got married with my first son and if I leave him, I will have to be one again with two and I know how much work it is. ..
Any advice??? [/quote]
I think the main question: Is it not more work dealing with all the things that are going on at the moment?
I could not and would not put up with what you are putting up with.
I want a husband that takes equal responsibility for the outcome of our life together. An adult!
I do not need somebody I have to check up on, worry about lies and be generally unhappy about!
And I don't think you need to either!
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