Hospital

A man was driving down a country road at about 30 mph, and running along side was a three legged chicken. The man speeds up to about 50 mph, and the chicken kept up. Finally, the three legged chicken turned up a driveway, and went into a barn. The man was in no hurry, so he turned around and drove up to the house next to the barn. He knocked on the door, and when the man answered, the driver asked him about the three legged chicken. Yes, the man said that the laboratory in town developed the chicken for us three in the family. We all like drumsticks, and don't like to kill two chickens for three legs. "How do they taste?" The driver asked. The man said, "I don't know, we never could catch it.

Two dogs are in adjoining cages at the vet. One turns to the other and asks him why he is there.

"Well, i was in a bad mood yesterday, sick of the screaming kids, sick of the dry food, and i lost control for just a moment, and bit the mailman. Now they're going to put me to sleep. What are you here for?"

"Well, i was just trottin' by the door to the bathroom, and the woman of the house had just gotten out of the shower, and was bending over the tub, rinsing it down, in all her naked glory. I just couldn't help myself, i lost it and mounted her."

"They're going to put you to sleep for that ? ! ? ! ?"

"Oh no, i'm here to be declawed . . . "

>> His & Her Diaries
> >>
> >> 1. HER DIARY
> >>
> >> Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar
> >> to
> >> have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought
> >> he was
> >> upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
> >> Conversation
> >> wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could
> >> talk. He
> >> agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he
said
> >> nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it
had
> >> nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that
I
> >> loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his
> >> behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got
home
> >> I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me
> >> anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and
absent.
> >> Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
> >> and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
> >> still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
> >> He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
> >> his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 2. HIS DIARY
> >>
> >> Today the Steelers lost, but at least I got laid.

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.



The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.



The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.



The third woman came to him and said"Have you ever been fucked?"

The fellow said "No",



She said "You will be when the tide comes in"

> Should you be institutionalized?
> It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This
> little test should get you started.
>
> During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what are
> the criteria which define a patient to be institutionalized.
>
> "Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
> a
> teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub".
>
> OK, here's your test.
> 1. Would you use the teaspoon?
> 2. Would you use the teacup?
> 3. Would you use the bucket?
>
> Think about this before you scroll down.
>
> ********* Now scroll down.***********
>
> "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
> bucket
> because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
>
> "No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug."
>
> Do you want a room with or without a view?
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> When Ralph first noticed  that his penis was growing larger and staying
> erect longer, he was delighted, as was his  wife. But after several weeks,
> his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
>
> Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even
> walking. So he and  his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
>
> After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that,
> though rare, Ralph's  condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
>
> "How long will Ralph be on  crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
>
> "Crutches? Why would he need  crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
>
> "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Stupidity
A man had a flat tire on a road next to a steep dropoff. He pulled over across the street from a mental institution. There was a man watching him from the porch. The man got out of the car, and jacked up the rear wheel, which was facing the bluff. He removed the hub cap, and when he removed the wheel, he put the lug nuts in the hub cap. He hit the hub cap with the wheel, and lost it along with the nuts, over the cliff. He asked the man watching at from the porch if he could use their phone to contact a service station to bring him some nuts for his spare wheel. The patient asked why he didn't use a nut off each of the other three wheels to hold the spare on until he drove to the gas station. The man thanked the patient for his suggestion, and asked, if he could think of that, why he was here. The patient said that he really was insane, but not stupid.

Stupidity
A man had a flat tire on a road next to a steep dropoff. He pulled over across the street from a mental institution. There was a man watching him from the porch. The man got out of the car, and jacked up the rear wheel, which was facing the bluff. He removed the hub cap, and when he removed the wheel, he put the lug nuts in the hub cap. He hit the hub cap with the wheel, and lost it along with the nuts, over the cliff. He asked the man watching at from the porch if he could use their phone to contact a service station to bring him some nuts for his spare wheel. The patient asked why he didn't use a nut off each of the other three wheels to hold the spare on until he drove to the gas station. The man thanked the patient for his suggestion, and asked, if he could think of that, why he was here. The patient said that he really was insane, but not stupid.