New Job: Women's Shelter Advocate!

BK, congrats on your job...hope it doesn't become too harrowing for you.

Sarah
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Very familiar feel to your stories, BK. It's so fun to do important things and get gratitude in return, and so frustrating to deal with the inevitable gimme-gimme types. One of the main things I worked on with one client was just simply saying "thank you." For example, she had absolutely no interview-appropriate clothes, and because she was quite large (3X or so) had a hard time finding them. I spent quite a bit of my time and money (well, less money) to find a few really nice, interview-appropriate outfits for her at a local thrift store. Her total response; "Better than nothing. <shrug>"

She had just never been taught this basic part of social interactions -- she had been treated with disdain her whole life. We worked together on just that one thing -- saying "thank you" and otherwise offering sincere gratitude -- and everything just opened up for her. Housing, jobs, problems with her kid's school, etc., etc.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. Really glad you're sticking with it and that you haven't burnt out yet.

Just wanted to poke my head in and say congrats to BorisKitten. I haven't been around much lately and totally missed this thread until now. I'm really happy for you that you found something fulfilling. Especially since the last time I talked with you you were looking into bookeeping. This sounds way better for the soul than keeping columns of numbers.

Thanks everyone for your replies!

Sozobe, I'm so glad to hear of your own experiences... so far I've done only one thing outside of my job description to help people, and that was to have my husband look at the broken-down car of a shelter resident.

As it turned out, he actually fixed it with a $40 part, and charged her nothing. This woman is a hard worker, which is why we chose to help her, and she actually burst into tears when I told her he'd fixed her car for free. She said she couldn't believe there were actually such good, kind people still in the world. I felt so happy!

Later, hubby told me, I didn't do it for her, I did it for you (of course, he's never met her). After 8 years of marriage, I realized I really have found the love of my life and I am darned lucky to have him!

I've resisted all other temptations to do anything for other women outside of my actual job. I could have done 20 or 30 things by now, especially since I'm a thrift store junkie and can get all kinds of things for cheap. I see other employees getting all wrapped up emotionally in doing for these women, and I can see how it drains them. So I'm holding back, and I'll probably continue to do so.

So many of these women (kids, too) need someone to LISTEN more than anything else, so I just try to do that as much as possible, without judging at all, just hearing and affirming their feelings. Most of them have not been heard in years... they're pitiably grateful.

Yesterday, I was reading the FCADV (Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence) website, and came across this...

"Guiding Principles: FCADV is committed to...
Acknowledging and respecting that feminists were at the forefront and are the foundation of the battered women's movement... Proactively embracing the feminist principles of social, political, and economic equality."

Perhaps you all remember my whining not too long ago about how feminism seems to be dead. Now here it is, alive and well and actually working! I'm delighted!

FreeDuck, you hit the nail on the head... this is so much better for me than bookkeeping!

I hope everyone who reads this pats themselves on the back... I can't say enough how it's been the kindness of A2K members that's given me the courage to apply for & proceed with this job. I hope to pass that kindness on to others. When they pass it on, A2K will have helped to make the world a better place to live. What could be more important or more satisfying than that?

BorisKitten--

Even the crones of A2K can't create silk purses from sow's ears. You're doing a great job because of who you are--not who we are.

Of course, we're all thrilled--because of who you are.

Hold your dominion.

<yayyyyyyyyy>

Noddy is absolutely right, BK.

(As usual. )

And in case I haven't said it outright...

We're awfully proud of you!

I'm so glad to hear everyone's supportive responses!

This past weekend, I witnessed some 20 incidences of sobbing in 6 hours or so.. and I don't mean a few little tears, I mean the loud "Waaaa...." of a big fat breakdown right in the middle of the house with everyone present.

Anyone who can't handle crying (and a lot of it) shouldn't be in this line of work!

We have 10 children in the shelter right now, most of them under 9 yrs of age, and most of the crying was done by them and their mothers who have "Had it UP TO HERE!" (as they say). We're filled to capacity with 16 people and one advocate per shift.

Anyway, I'd like a bit of advice, if I may ask. These particular sobs had a lot to do with one woman in the house who's extremely critical of the parenting skills of the other women, not to mention everything else in the house.

I've told this woman and the moms to concentrate on their own problems;
I've told them they must show more patience and tolerance now than they probably ever have in their lives before;
I've told them how everyone living here is at one of the lowest, most difficult points in their lives, so they're not on their best behavior, and they just need to get through this time (usually 6 weeks);
I've told them only mothers can correct their children (the rule is, if it's not your kid and the kid is not in danger, be silent);
And I snuggled everyone who cried (if they wanted it) and stopped snuggling as soon as they stopped crying.

It was still pretty much a disastrous day, only solved by everyone going out for a while. The next day was much better, esp. with many of the children out visiting non-custodial parents.

So, is there something else I could have done or said that would have helped? Maybe I should just accept this behavior?

My biggest problem is probably this dissension in the shelter... the moment one woman leaves the room, all the others start saying negative things about her. The best solution I've found so far is to say something like, "Well, it's a lot easier to think about someone else's problems than to work on your own problems."

Advocacy is supposed to be about empowering these women to solve their own problems, and I think half of them would be gone by now if they'd spent as much time and energy on their own lives as they did on the faults of other residents.

There's a lot of fighting over stuff like: "She ate my food!" "She used my shampoo!" "She's using my bathroom!" "She didn't do her chores!" "She's a terrible mother!"

Ideas????

It's a classic thing, that those who feel powerless use what power they can however they can -- and if their cruel words cause distress, hey, it's power. Especially if those are the conditions they are used to.

There must be counseling sessions, to address this kind of thing?

One of the things I used at my center that was probably the single most effective teaching method was something called rap sessions -- we'd just all get together and talk about various things. I usually had some goal, something I'd seen and wanted to address. Role play was a huge part of it. So for example, if I was observing something like that, I'd act out the role of the mean, critical mom. I'd pick on the students, say similar things, see how they responded. Then we'd discuss which responses worked, which didn't, and why, and come up with some other ideas -- what if they tried this? Or this?

The role playing really helped 'em empathize, as well as coming up with proactive solutions. And pretty much invariably the offender, who was involved in the rap session but never named or singled out, stopped doing what he/she had been doing.

Soz, I think group sessions are a really good idea. While avoidance of one another can solve a crisis, it does nothing to solve the ongoing problem. A bit of role-playing might help a lot.

Do you know of any web sites (or books) that might have more info? I've never run a group before and I wonder if I need to know more first? I'm not a licensed therapist, just an advocate.

We have 2 licensed therapists in our office (a different location), one for children and one for adults. Yet I've never seen either of them at the shelter and never heard of shelter residents being referred to them for help. I'll have to check with my boss and see if I can refer residents to these therapists.. though I wonder why other advocates haven't done so?

Well done BK - what a valuable job you are doing! Good for you.

I would reiterate what Brooke says about taking care of you. It will not help if you let all these womens problems get to you. I am sure the burn-out rate is very high in jobs like this. I can't imagine being as generous with my time and efforts are you are. I don't think I'd make a good counsellor/advocate like you. It does take a certain personality and strength and talent. A little bit of humor might be some good medicine too for these women who are at the end of their ropes. While they are working on self-improvement, independence, and many other things, learning to enjoy something again is also important.

Kudos to BorisKitten - much luck with this. I wish you well!

Completely agree about the burn-out factor -- that's the first thing I thought when you (BK) mentioned the therapists who aren't doing much at all.

Maybe you can check into that, see what's up?

But definitely, don't take it all on yourself... I have terrible tendencies that way, not good for anyone in the long run.

(One thing about the role play is that I had great fun being the bad guy, and students loved it, especially telling me off and me reacting badly. :-D)

I agree re not taking the world on your shoulders. Not that you shouldn't take on the world, but try to line up more shoulders. More invested in the effort and so on. Plus, you might not need to crumple uselessly first.

I am just mouthing off, haven't been in this situation, and am in your camp, where ever it is that day,

What great advice!

Maybe the best thing about this job is the (supposedly) short hours... 24 hours per week. So far, though, I've averaged more like 34 per week due to short staffing... for 7 weeks now. I've campaigned strongly to work only my 24 hours per week and no more, which should be happening now that we are, as of this week, fully staffed.

Laughter is so important on this job! Even stupid jokes go over well as everyone's looking for an excuse to either laugh or cry... and laughing is better.

Groups sound like fun, and I'll pursue the idea.

Even my knitting and talking about silly things like fashion or hair are very helpful. It seems many of these women have talked of nothing but their abusers, in some cases for YEARS now... they're often relieved to speak of anything else.

I've offered to teach knitting/crochet to anyone interested, so far only one shelter resident wants to learn & I'll be teaching her this weekend!

I forgot to mention, I did call 2 other advocates this weekend when things went hysterical, and they were both really there for me. It really helped a lot. It's one thing to say "Call me anytime!"... It's quite another to actually have someone there when things go all crazy. I was so grateful to vent to them!

One quick thing about the sniping and the criticism amongst the shelter guests, and you probably arleady know this. But, when we are really low or not very happy with ourselves, it makes us feel better to point out someone else's failures. As in "even though I've made a complete mess of my life, at least I'm not as bad as her!" This especially rings true in issues of parenting. It might help to look at all of those criticisms as a measure of how bad the critic actually feels about herself. I can't imagine that anyone would not feel like it's a black mark on her character to be in that situation -- whether it's true or not.

Boriskitten--

You seem very savvy about understanding your client's built-up resentment and hopelessness.

Personally, I'd make a rule that if people are going to talk about Absent Sheltermates that they keep their voices quiet and not involve you in the bitchy discussions. You're glad to be useful, but they can bitch to each other.

You made an excellent, perceptive points here:



Do any of your clients have talent with hair? Beauty parlors are much friendlier places than shelters. Can you collect swatches of fabric for the spring/summer/fall/winter coloring test?

Can you search the Internet for personality profiles for your clients to take and discuss? Are any of them into astrology?

Your clients have been down so far they don't recognize up.

Hold your dominion.

You're so right about this! The Big Criticizer in the shelter has lost custody of her 3 children, so I sympathize with her pain. Yet I don't want to favor her TOO much as that's not fair to the other women.

It's a difficult balance to maintain, and makes me understand why some of my co-workers pretty much lock themselves in the office for most of their shifts!

Thanks so much for the great advice, Noddy! These ideas are not only better for them, but better for me as well!

Lots of these women have to groom themselves for job interviews for the first time in years (or ever), and practice helps. We even have a closet-ful of donated clothing & shoes which we could play with....

Just one more question... what do we do with the 10 children while we're meeting? Maybe we could do 2 different groups, with the "off" group watching the kids?

You could draw lots--which is "fair".

You could let the women choose which of them would be the first to try something new--and potentially frightening.