Did I really screw up??

Maybe you "hit the nail on the head", and he is reacting to your words. Hey, you only know him a month. If you have "read" him correctly, why are you concerned about this relationship? If what you said is an accurate appraisal, IMO, you are better off without him.



How is he proving to you that you need to have more faith in men?

He asked you to be honest with him about your feelings, and when you were, he basically flipped out and began ignoring you, even though you were just opening up. And on top of that, you had just given him a birthday present and wanted to spend as much time as you could with him before he left town, and look at how he behaved. There is no reason to have faith in us men in those situations. Maybe he'll be more understanding once he's cooled down a bit, but really, don't think that you did wrong, and don't think that you need more faith in men when one responds unexpectedly poorly.

Believe it or not, men often do nice things.
And they enjoy doing them. They do them because they enjoy it.

Amanda, can I ask how old the two of you are, and if both of you have
experience being in close relationships? If he's insecure, maybe he's
not sucking up, but doing what he thinks people are "supposed to" do on
a date... until he gets it figured out. Or if he's been around a bit, maybe he enjoys being
"in a relationship" and wants to use the opportunity to do lots of nice things together.

But the twist is ... if he is fairly new to "relationships" and just enjoying it,
your comment may have rained on his fun parade!
He may not know how to take it ... how it was meant, or what it indicates
about you. The nice guys only go where they are wanted, so
he may suddenly feel betrayed or unwelcome.

Your comment undermines every present he will give you from now on.
Every nice thing he does, or fun thing he tries to share.
Why should he give or do something nice ... if it's perceived as a "kiss up"?

If he's a nice guy, his only choice is to leave.
If he's a manipulative player, then he may stick around just to "use" things.
If BOTH of you are mature, the solution is to hang out and talk.
Both of you need some information to know what's going on.


Honest, plain, non-blaming communication is central to any strong relationship,
and it's something that every couple has to go through.

It will take strength on his part to realize that your impressions come
from wider society as a whole, and that he should do exactly what he
enjoys even if people have suspicions, doubts, fears, or images about it.

It will take strength on your part to be just as honest with him, to say
"I care about you" (if you do), ask him how he is, and be plain with him
about how important or unimportant your comment was.

Talking is a good way to get to know each other, and maybe this is a good
opportunity not to test/criticize and manipulate someone, but to BE TOGETHER.
To share ideas, thoughts, philosophy, and how BOTH people feel.

Your comment was not out of line. You haven't lost him.
Just be completely yourself, and the right things will happen.

He shouldnt have asked if he didnt htink he could handle the answer.Just give him time.

I still haven't heard from him and this is all I've thought about all day...it's driving me crazy that he's gone to Cali, and that he left on bad terms w/ me. I dont know if I should call/text him, or just let him have his space. What should I do???

Ah, I agree with codeborg except for the last part. You well may have lost him. You were doubting his way of being, possibly when he was feeling the most tender towards someone he had, if not ever, for quite a while.

It is good to express how you feel honestly, but try to understand that others may not see things as you do.

If he's trying to guilt trip you by not calling, dump his ass.

thanks for everyone's advice and input...he called and we talked it out, and things are great...we were able to talk through our first spiff even w/ him across the country (so i think we have something pretty good goin!) thanks for the advice...i will definitely think twice before i say something to him that could hurt his feelings so much!!