When is a child ready to decide on their own to be baptized?

I think at least one parent or primary caregiver is important. Beyond that, I think the more caring adults in a child's life, the better.

Noddy's formulation makes sense to me, that the step-parent (if not a primary caregiver at least) gets an opinion but not a vote.

That's still an opinion, though.

Squinney
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

I do agree that the child needs to respect her, though.

I was going to get flattered by being mistaken for Squinney, then saw her post. Good points.

Just think how many Super Nanny's the world would need if all children with a step parent knew step Mom had no say in their raisings or discipline. Kids figure that kinda thing out REAL quick.

But since Han only stays with then for 4 days out of every month, I hardly call that raising the child. I do agree that there should be discipline, of course, but this is a personal matter regarding religion.
I don't think a child should be able to get away with stuff with a step parent, but that's not what this is about.

Thank you all, everyone has good points. I don't even know where to begin.

Han comes over on a regular schedule every other Fri thru Mon and due to her school (year round) we get her for 2 straight weeks every three months. You could say my husband has physical custody of her about 75% of the time and 50% legal custody.

My real concern is that Han did not consult with either her bio-mom or dad before making the decision to be baptized. Had she talked to over with a care giver one of us could have assisted her in determining if she is in fact ready for baptism. It's not that she is not "completely" ready because how do I know that, only she knows. But how does she know if no one asked her to why or explain what makes her think she is ready and if she understands what it means.

Han's bio-mom calls to change the scheduled pickup days and times at least once a month. She somehow always schedules "special" events on the days Han is suppose to be with us. She calls us a day before to tell us Han can't come over or that we should pick her up later but drop her off early… I used to go thru the same thing with the boys dad but we are at a point were I don't need to call to remind him of the court ordered schedule.. Han's mom still thinks she can dictate to her ex-husband what she wants..

Han's mom and my husband Mr. O. had a discussion just last night. Not about the baptism specifically but in a round about way it was. Han's 19 year old sister called her mom last night and wanted to do something for Mothers Day. Han's mom call Mr. O and told him that she had changed her mind, she now wants Han to be dropped off on Sunday morning so that the three of them can spend the day together. Mr. O told her he'd call her back.

Mr. O called me to tell me we should cancelled our plans for brunch because Han's mom wanted her that day. ( Mr. O asked Han's mom a two weeks ago if she wanted Han this year for Mothers Day and she said No, because she had no plans.) I about lost it, but being a mom I understand… I stayed cool and said no, that brunch with the rest of the people we invited was still on…I told him it was my day, and if Han couldn't join us she'd be with "her" mom and that was fine. I told him I was done changing or cancelling our schedule just because his ex-changed hers.

Mr. O called Han's mom and told her, he had had enough of her always making plans without considering how it's going to affect our schedule. She commits Han to dates and activities on the days she's suppose to be with us and then expects us to just keep bending backwards everytime she calls to change the plan. She let Han make a decision on being baptized and that was fine but to not even take into consideration that it was on his day… and now she was calling at the last minute to change her mind and ask for Han to be dropped off on Sunday. Again not considering how it affects the rest of the people involved.. He told her if she wanted Han for either one of those days she would have to do the driving to pick her up… only after we got back from our "planed" activities and that this would be the last time he agreed to "give up" or "loose" time with Han because she couldn't plan ahead…

For all of you who still think I overstepped my role as at step-parent, well I'm sorry but blood isn't all it takes to be a parent. If Han had any respect for her father she would not constantly call and ask to have the schedule altered or changed but she has learned that from her bio-mom who shows NO respect for Mr O or "our" family.

P.S. Montana, no offense taken. :-)

Ah, boundaries....

Folks hate it when you start enforcing those.

OOps correction= I meant Mr. O legally has 30% physical custody but Han only spends about 20 to 25% of her time with us because of all the rescheduling.

Very true Drew... Han's mom was pretty upset when Mr. O called her on it.

I try not to get too involved but when I don't have an opinion Mr. O gets upset with me. He tells me if he is a "father" to the boys I should consider myself a "mom" to Han. He tells me to think about her best interest as if she were my bio-child.

That's what gets me into trouble.

Parents need to present a united front. And kids need the parents to present a united front, too.

Where it can get ugly, IMO, is when there are completely separate rules in each house.

Back to the subject of when to baptize...

We currently attend a Presbyterian church. They baptize infants, much the same as the Catholic church does. Part of the service involves the parents giving the child in baptism, and part of it involves the whole congregation vowing to support the child in its faith journey (I like that part!)

Personally, I don't believe in baptizing infants...I think "believer's baptism" is the only kind that makes a real difference in a person's life. I say that from personal experience. My parents had me baptized as a child, but it meant less than nothing to me. I chose to be baptized at the age of 18 after spending a year studying on my own. It was something I wanted to do to signal to myself and others that I was beginning a new life. That was the baptism that truly changed my life.

The major reason I'm bringing up my son in the Presbyterian church is because of their confirmation process. At age 13, the kids begin a year of studying in depth with their class and also with an adult mentor for private discussions. I want my son to go through that, THEN make his own decision about baptism. Then it will be an informed decision, rather than based on the emotion of the moment or "what everyone is doing" or what he thinks he "should" do. Fortunately, our (large)church recognizes that their people come from different religious backgrounds and is very willing to accommodate our wishes. I've talked all this over with my son, and he actually THANKED ME (WOW!) for allowing him to make this important decision for himself. That was one of the top three moments I've had as a parent so far.

Now, please understand. I don't advocate multiple baptisms (such as I went through) or going against your church's teachings. But I think first and foremost, a child should be taught that freely giving their life to Christ is the most important decision he or she will ever make...and should never be taken lightly. Second, the child should know at least the basics about the life they're committing to, or else the act of baptism will have no lasting meaning to them.

Anyway, those are my opinions. That and $5 will get you a cup of coffee at Starbuck's.

I think it's admirable that you are concerned about your stepdaughter's spiritual life, Crispita. Very admirable. Ten years old is awfully young to be making a lifetime commitment, and it does sound as though her church is railroading her. If her biological mom and dad are okay with that, though, the most you can do is talk to her yourself about the decision she is about to make, and try to fill her in on the true meaning of it. Maybe some of your words will stick. From the sound of it, I think your husband would support you in this. Why don't the two of you sit down with her the next time she's over and see how much she knows?

Best of luck! (((HUGS))) Hey, if all else fails, perhaps one day she will do it over again like I did. At least she's staying in the right environment to nurture her decision.

Chispita
Ok, I se a bigger picture now and it changes my views a bit. It sounds like Hans mom is playing games here and that is not good for Han.
When you have one parent who is pushing buttons, it make things very complicated and you're so right that this would have a negative effect on Han. It's a real shame!
I admire your efforts and for the record, you sound like a great mom ;-)

Eva this is perfect... Iamb going to have to use some of this when we talk to her..

I want her to know, I was born into a Catholic family and went thru the process of baptism as a baby, then first communion at 9 yrs old (i had to go to sunday school for 2 yrs) and then confirmation at 15... I tried hard to live up to my parents and the "churches" expectations but I always felt a little empty inside when it came to faith. I believe what I learned in the Catholic church and still do but, I feel a peace within me at Calvary Chapel that I can't explain.

I want her baptism to have and give meaning to her life, I want it to be a memorable day of a story she will always want to share.

We plan on talking with her this Fri, Mr. O (after cooling off) agreed Han should have discussed it with one of her parents before committing to a date and time.. We are not going to discourage her from it but rather give her whatever information she needs and answer any questions to help her better understand her decision.. After that then it's up to her.

I know this child and once someone explains things to her she rethinks her decision, sometimes she sticks to it but most of the time all she need is information.. I think it was a spur of the moment thing. Of course it didn't help that the other kids in her Sunday school were volunteering too. She is a smart kid, but just like all kids she made an "emotional decision" with out all the facts.

Montana - you are a sweetheart! I have read some of your old posts and you too sound like a great parent.

I look forward to advice from a few of you veteran and seasoned members. Keep it coming, I never take anything personally... If I did I wouldn't ask for advice. It's nice getting different points of views. Sometimes when we are "inside" looking out we can't see things clearly.

Thank you Chipita. I'll be looking forward to your future posts :-D

I also agree on the "inside" looking out not always seeing clearly. Been there, done that ;-)