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Thu 28 Apr, 2005 06:47 pm
Me and my fiance' is getting married in September. It has been a wonderful relationship with the exception that last yeat that she had an affair on me with her ex. It was going on behind my back for a few months. I finally caught on to what was going on. My friend at the time tried to tell me what was going on but I did not want to believe him until I found out for sure. The results did delay our marriage and it tool a long time to trust her again. While this was going on I asked her friend about it and she BOLDLY lied to my face multiple times, and also covered for her when she when to his house, and even gaver her an avenue to talk to him at her house through the phone. Well when I found out about it I felt betrayed and made a fool of. I would rather her friend steal money from me than lie to me about something that serious. For months it was always in the back of my mind while she was pregnant that there was a chance it was not mind, and her and her friend caused me that stress. Thank God I now have a beautiful son, and there is no doubt he is mine. But it was so stressful during that time at times I felt like I could throw up. When I found out about this after a few weeks we had a long talk and we were able to rebuild trust. I pretty much wrote it off, and even quit being friend with the guy that was telling me the truth so we could get a fresh start and forget the past.
The problem is the girl that was her friend that deceived me is still around, and it always brings up hurt feelings. She is a real piece, she did not have the time for eight weeks to come by and see our new born baby, when my finance' other friends who seem to have really good values come by all the time. Now my fiance wants her to be in our wedding, me personally it is a hurtful past that we should drop. She has some real friends that have really been there for her and Davis.
My question is what do I do. I dont think this person deserves to be part of such a blessed unity of me and my fiance'. We argue over it, just as my friend it is part of our past we need to walk away from to rebuild our relationship. I think the only thing that could be a failure in our relationship and marriage is this friend of hers.
I know someone might say, well they are friends. But the actions that happened does have some effects, and her friend stole the biggest thing she could from me. She dont respect me or our relationship, if she would have been a real friend and really valued our relationship she would have been doing everything in her power for my fiance' to stay faithful to me. She did not value that nor does she have any morals so why should be there with us when we vow to God to be lifelong partners, and untied as one.
I asked my fiance' if your friend stole a 1000 dollars from me would you steal be friends with her and/or want her to be part of a sacride act of marriage. Well what she did was worse than stealling from me. It has alot more effects, and was alot more painful.
What did your fiance say to your question about the stealing? it would be interesting if she said she wouldn't continue a friendship w/ someone who had stolen from u, because obviously this is much worse than stealing (in my opinion)!!! I do not think it is appropriate for her to continue a friendship with someone who encouraged her to do something that was so wrong. maybe your fiance would even have listened to her own better instincts and resisted temptation if she hadn't had the help and encouragement of this so-called friend. a friend of your wife's should not be someone who brings out the very worst in her and helps her to do things that harm your relationship. the friend obviously doesn't respect you, maybe even wants to harm your relationship for some reason. i don't think there iis any room in your relationship for someone so harmful to be a friend. i also think that to earn your trust back, your future wife needs to show that she is serious about never doing such a thing again.
Are you suggesting that the only problem lies with fiance's friend? Let me think about this. You should too.
If I am willing to get rid of a friend that knows the truth of what happened and was honest with me about it. Just so we can have a fresh start with no bagage from our past then I think she should be willing to do the same if our relationship means so much. But if she is just going to keep a bad relationship a secret from me and continue to deceive me then maybe we should not get married.
I did not do this, I was just the one left out of the loop and caught blindsided to someone I devoted to marry and be faithful with.
Heck it's like they say " You are just as good as the company you keep."
her friend is one that is supposedly getting a divorce, for like the past five years but is still deeply attached to her husband using his car, etc. But sneaks to another city all the time to sleep with some other loser. Like I said a model citizen, at one time I felt sorry for her and tried to help her. I even shared a few books with her that I never got back on Christianity.
no, the only problem isn't with the fiance's friend, although it did kind of sound like that's what i was saying. what i meant was that drising sounds like he and his fiance are prepared to work through their problems, but i don't think they can do that with this friend around. clearly, drising and his fiance need to do a lot of tallking and work out the issues between them for the marriage to succeed. but his fiance doesn't need this friend arond to add another complication.
This has not even been a good friend, she did not come visit her or our baby the last eight weeks with the exception of the day after the birth, with this jack@$$ from another town that I have already had issues with is brother. So no respect to me at all. She chose the day of the birth to see this jack@$$ in steady of being there with her supposedly bestfriend during the most important day of her life, even though the whole time she swore if we called her she would come running. Personally I said I wasnt going to call her. So to me she is choosing a so called friend over a lifetime commit with me. This friend will probably be no where around in five years, and she is choosing that over our future and our son's future.
She is just one of those friends that relies on you to come see her, or someone to go party with or do destructive things that you might regret. I have had friends like that, and I have learned to select my friends wisely cause they represent who you are.
I would hate to think that we could possibly call the wedding off because of this for someone who is all talk and no actions. It will take something serious to happen to see who would really be by her side. I guarantee I would be by my fiance's side alot longer than she would. To bad she don't seem to see that, and honestly I think it is lack of respect from them both.
You know I forgave her and we are working through it. Not me and her friend.
It was bad enough for me to deal with the fact that I know that she was not always mine, and that there was times that we had sex that she previously had sex with him and that I probably put my mouth in places he had his well you know what I mean. But for a friend of hers to know it was going on and sit there and smile at me and tell me that she loves you and your the only one she wants. To only be covering for her and giving them avenues to meet, like I am spending a night with her, and or her taking calls for her.
To find all of that out was harder than you could imagine and now every time I see her I just think she is like I got one over on him. If all of that was true and she was a true friend she would have doing everything in her power to prevent it from happening, and talking her out of it. Damn telling her what she has and could lose.
So any more suggestions? If she is not willing to walk away from something that is so hurtful to her fiance'. That tells me alot.
She just throws up in my face that I am controlling. which I dont think I am I just dont want this in our life.
I never wanted her to have to make a choice but hey I did not cause this problem it was there scandle.
My suggestion to you, is to sit down with and let her know how you feel about this friend. Tell her you will tell her this once because you don't think her relationship with this friend is good for her. List all the facts and try to leave your emotions aside. The reason I say, tell her you are going to say this once is because she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions on who her friends are. And just remember she may not side with you and want to remain friends with her. She really needs to make this decision herself.
I do have a friend that is a little more on the wild side. I do not approve of many things she does and would not do them myself, but she is a loyal and loving friend. Just because some one is not exactly how you approve does not mean that she cannot be a good friend to your fiancé. Your fiancé is a grown woman and is capable of deciding who her friends are. How would you feel if your fiancé did not like some of your friends? This happens in many relationships. What about a sister? What if you didn't approve of her sister, would you expect her not to socialize with her, not to let her in the wedding?
linkat is right in that you need to sit down and talk to your fiance about this friend and present her with all your thoughts about why she isn't a good influence, and you need to do it as calmly and logically as you can. But this is not the same as telling her not to see some wild friend just because you don't approve of her, it isn't about controlling. it's about the fact that this friend really does have a lack of morals to encourage cheating. that is not what a good friend does. when you talk w/ your fiance about this, start w/ just saying that a person who encourages something as bad as cheating is just not a good type of friend, but then if your fiance still doesn't see it, just tell her how you feel about havin g this person in your life. she shouldn't make you deal with someone who makes you feel so bad.
Its not about the way her friend is it is about her friend covered up a scandle that my fiance' did and helped her to have sex with another man. Her lieing to me about something like that is alot worse than stealing from me, and if she stole money from me would she still be friend with her. Well they got caught and a scandle and the only way I told her we could still be with me is to loose the friend. Its not what her friend does it is what her friend talks my fiance into doing
You know if you are with some one that robs a bank and you do not report it and help cover it up, and even encourage for the person to do it you are just as guilty. They call it an accomplise. It has alot to do with ethics.
Never give some one an ultimatum unless you are really willing to give up this person - because you just might. Your fiancé is an adult and no one can talk her into doing something unless she agrees. If she is so easily persuaded into doing something - I would be worried that anyone could talk her into something. What if she bumps into some hot guy - if she is so easily persuaded she may just jump into bed with him.
Montana wrote:roger wrote:Are you suggesting that the only problem lies with fiance's friend? Let me think about this. You should too.
Yup!
Yup!
And, I wonder why you were so willing to walk away from your friend, who did nothing wrong, and was only thinking of you? Sounds like you might have chosen the wrong apple from the barrel.
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