1
   

Top 5 smart-ass answers of the year

 
 
Reply Thu 28 Apr, 2005 12:07 am
THE TOP FIVE SMART-ASS ANSWERS OF THE YEAR

Smart-Ass Answer #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-Ass Answer #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-Ass Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-Ass Answer #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car a and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart-Ass Answer #1
The SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR "THE TEACHER " A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
  • Topic Stats
  • Top Replies
  • Link to this Topic
Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,529 • Replies: 7
No top replies

 
Pantalones
 
  1  
Reply Thu 28 Apr, 2005 02:22 pm
Great, thanks for sharing Very Happy

I liked number 3 the best
0 Replies
 
Intrepid
 
  1  
Reply Thu 28 Apr, 2005 05:52 pm
I liked number 3 as well :-D
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Thu 28 Apr, 2005 06:02 pm
I hope I will remember # 3 the next time I'm stopped Very Happy

The # 1 is pretty funny too...
0 Replies
 
pragmatic
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Jun, 2005 01:24 am
There's one I read about:

There's a guy in the queue and he's very frustrated about being at the end. So he pushes his way to the front. The girl behind the window says, "Sir please wait in line like everyone else."

he glares at her - "Do you know who I am?" he shouts.

She smiles and announces to the microphone "Attention please, there is a gentleman here who does not know who he is. If anyone knows of his identity, please come to the front counter, thank you."
0 Replies
 
material girl
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Jun, 2005 02:06 am
This isnt a come back but I found it funny.

I was on a flight back from somewhere years back and there was quite a bit of turbelence.
The plane finally lands and the Captain says 'Sorry about that rough landing ladies and gentlemen but if it was easy we wouldnt get paid as much'.
0 Replies
 
Lord Ellpus
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Jun, 2005 01:07 pm
I was in Court once, twiddling my thumbs and waiting for my client's case to be heard, and suddenly became aware of an interesting case in progress (usually, I just sit and do the crosswords, as it is rather tedious).

A man had been driving his Rolls Royce down the Motorway, and attempted to leave at an exit. The exit was an uphill lane, that led to a flyover which crossed the motorway,some half a mile further down the road.

Halfway up this uphill lane, the car veered off the edge, down the embankment, rolling over about three times, before ending the right way up, back on the slow lane of the Motorway. The roof and every panel of the car was badly damaged, and the driver was sitting dazed, as a Police car stopped to investigate.

Court dialogue. Attending Policeman in witness box, reading his statement in a typical British Bobby official Court voice (a bit like John Cleese, imitating a cockney)

Policeman (PC): "So I pulled my car over to the 'ard shoulder, activated the blue lights, and approached the vehicle".

Crown Prosecutor (CP) : " And what did you see?"

PC: " I went to tap on the window, but it was not there. (chuckle in Court....he has now got my full attention).....So I leaned into the vehicle, and asked the defendant if he was hurt, but I was also attempting to ascertain whether he smelt of alcohol. He did."

CP: "And then what did you do?"

PC (looking deliberately at his notebook, and effecting an even more official tone....everyone waiting with bated breath): "He replied that he was not hurt, but was upset about his car, as it was 'is pride and joy, and that 'is wife was going to kill him" (stifled giggles around Court).

CP (looking a bit exasperated): "And THEN what did you do?"

PC (taking a deep breath, puffing up chest and drawing himself to full height): " I said to the defendant "Excuse me Sir, but 'ave you been drinking"? ....To which he replied (reading verbatim now from his notebook) "Of COURSE I've been drinking you idiot, what do you think I am, a F*CKING STUNTMAN? "

Even the Magistrate burst out laughing. There is only one other episode that I have witnessed in Court that was as deadpan funny as that, and it involved a young man doing naughties with a horse....but that's for another day.
0 Replies
 
Maximos1984
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 Jul, 2005 02:45 am
Cool
No.3 & No.4 were awesome! Cool
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

Oddities and Humor - Discussion by edgarblythe
Let's play "Caption the Photo" II - Discussion by gustavratzenhofer
JIM NABORS WAS GOY? - Question by farmerman
Funny Pictures ***Slow Loading*** - Discussion by JerryR
Caption The Cartoon - Discussion by panzade
Geek and Nerd Humor - Discussion by Robert Gentel
Caption The Cartoon Part Deux - Discussion by panzade
IS IT OK FOR ME TO CHEAT? - Question by Setanta
2008 Election: Political Humor - Discussion by Robert Gentel
 
  1. Forums
  2. » Top 5 smart-ass answers of the year
Copyright © 2024 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.09 seconds on 12/03/2024 at 11:43:52