He doesnt want children

My advice: spend a whole lot of time with the three kids he has now and see what kind of dad he is and what kind of mom you are.

When it comes to raising kids, soul mate-ism with your beloved is not even enough to pay the rent.

Awwwwww kitty

How do you know what is right for you? That's a hard one, because sometimes what is right for us today is not right for us tomorrow.

Your desire for a child of your own - growing inside of you - giving birth through you, is not an easy desire to toss aside.

At the same time - you can love his children, as you would your own. I know it's not the same thing.....but many women have done it and been perfectly happy.

Take your time making this decision. It's a life altering one. And whatever decision you make......make it with your mind and your heart. Just don't rush it.

Love has a way sometimes of clouding our thinking. Let this relationship evolve and grow some more. Only then - might you see clearly what is right for you.

Good luck. And welcome to the forum!

Hi justa_brooke! I do not have the privilege to send you a private messege, so I will write my messege to you here since I see that you have been hanging around here, in this thread, currently.
Yes, you poeple were very and very cruel to me, and thus almost depressed my life. You poeple discoureged me. You poeple deprived my confidence, and valueable belief on relationship. I was so depressed that I got into alcohol, and furthermore, almost committed a suicide.


Naa... Just kidding!
Why don't you give me your email address; We'll talk more stuff through email.


To Kittygirl,

The situation you are in at this moment seems to be very tough. Though, there are so many poeple who are at the same and typical dilemma as you are facing. The problem you are having right now is not a problem with a solution. I think that you should take more time before making any decision; just wait for a while. See how things go between you and him, as well as 3 children. Time will tell. 5 years later from now on, who knows that he will be desperate for a child. Poeple do change! So, everytime you see him, don't bring up this issue; just forget. Okay?

OMG You scared me! Was glad to see that you were just kidding, though.

Hi Kittygirl, Welcome to A2K!

Unless you're at the age where you must have children now or never (say, 39), you can easily wait on this.

One thing I'd advise strongly is NOT to get pregnant by accident with this fellow. Hopefully you're on dependable birth control.

I think the idea of having children is a lot more romantic and desirable than actually having children.. but that's just my opinion.

No need to make a decision NOW. Relax, enjoy your time with your mate, and let the future unfold as it will.

Thank you so much for your responses guys. I've never before used an internet forum but nobody i know is going through, or has been through, what i am currently. I really appreciate your help on this one. I understand now that i am putting too much pressure on myself to make the decision now and i just have to wait and see how it all pans out. I'm just worried that it will hurt more 5 years down the track if we are still disagreeing about this issue. I want him to move in with me, however he thinks that we need to make a decision about this (having our own children) before we take any more steps forward. There is an age gap between me and my partner and his kids are teenagers and not as accepting to me as we would have liked, but they too will need time to get used to their dad being with someone else.

kittygirl- I think that you need to be very clear in your own mind as to whether you want to live your life without children of your own. I was in a similar situation, years ago. Older man with teenage children. The difference was that I already had a child from my first marriage.

For years, I carried a great resentment that we would never have a child together. At one time it was an extremely important issue, which I believed colored our relationship. As time passed, it didn't matter anymore, but I think that the resentment took its toll.

If I were you, I would think long and hard about this. Raising your own child is not the same as having stepchildren, especially if they are almost grown. How important an issue this is, is really up to you. I would suggest that you don't let him move in with you until you have settled the issue, and are comfortable with it. Take your time, and good luck!

I agree with Phoenix. The fact that his children are teenagers does make a big difference. The part of you that wants a child will most likely always suffer everytime you hold a baby that belongs to someone else. When you are out shopping and see some woman that has a baby and you look at that angelic face with that toothless grin you are going to ache inside. I know I do.

For me - I know that all I have to do is think about a baby of my own and I can't stop the tears that well up in my eyes. It's tough. It's very difficult to change what is deep in your soul.

Please do think long and hard.

Can you commit yourself to being childless?
I married a man when I was 23 and we both agreed that we didn't want children. As time went on, I settled and wanted children. We ended up divorcing (not just because of this) but I said I would find a new man who I could have a family with. By the time I met the man I'm with now, I was 35 and, although he was 11 years older and already had grown-up children, we planned to have a baby. Circumstances put this on hold. Now I am 41 and my husband is totally against having a baby. I married him anyway thinking I could live with this as do people who can't have children. I have been on anti-depressants and blamed my depression on other things. Now, I think I've finally realised that I am lying to myself and I so want a family. I talk alot to understanding girlfriends who have even been in tears for my situation but, nothing will change my husband's mind. Neither of us use contraception but my husband just holds back if and when we make love so there's nothing I can do. In fact, it's very rare that we do make love as he is too scared of getting me pregnant. My advice to you is, if he is definately sure that he doesn't want children and you do, find someone else. I've been with my husband for years now and it's not getting any easier, although I do love him, I know that I will hate him if I get my menopause and will blame him for me never having children. It could be too late for us but, it's not for you.

kitty: It really depends on just how much you want children. To me, certain things are dealbreakers in a relationship. One of them is the issue of children. You simply cannot compromise on this issue. You can't be like "Well, you want no kids, I want a child, so let's have half a child", you know? Just do some soulsearching and think about whether you really want kids or if it wouldn't matter either way. If you decide that it's just too important for you to have children, and he won't soften to the idea, I'd consider leaving him. You may love him a lot, but if you each have conflicting ideas of your future together, that will create problems later on. :\

He doesnt want children
Back again, Well, I decided that I really could not trust that I would be happy with not having children in the future so after an all nighter with my partner-discussing this issue for over 6 hours, we both decided that we want different things and we can keep side steeping that, so the only option we have is to break up. Anyways, when morning came, he went home, it was still pleasant between us as of the love that we feel for each other but soooo hard. I went to sleep when he left (as we had been awake all night) and I woke up to the phone ringing less than 3 hours after he had gone. It was him saying that he couldnt do it (break up) and he couldnt last 3 hours without me let alone the rest of his life! He came around and said he wants to do the whole lot, move in, marriage, children, LIFE. He even added how beautiful our baby would be! I told him that its exactly what I want to hear but he needs more time to think about it-but he came back to me that afternoon and said he is 100% sure and for the first time in ages he knows exactly what he wants. So its set! Hes moving in within the next couple of weeks. Hopefully one of his sons will be moving in with us to! Thanks guys!

Oh, well then... I was just about to say from the standpoint of a child who had a father that didn't want children, I would never suggest forcing someone into parenthood. I don't want to throw water on your joy and I was tempted to keep my mouth shut after reading your latest update, but I think I'll still suggest you and your bf have a few more talks before you say your vows and start having children. He doesn't want to lose you, but does he really want to be a father again?

Sorry, but I agree with J_B. People simply do not do a "180", on such an important issue, with such rapidity. You need to give this time to settle in, before he moves in with you.

I would hate to think that the two of you would be married, and THEN he decides to change his mind again. Please be careful.

Ahem -

Kitty - I think you need to ask yourself A LOT of questions.
In addition - the information you've given is not enough for me to imagine your situation.

What makes this man your soul mate, the man of your dreams?

So, he was your best friend before you both ran off from your spouses? Nothing of a sexual nature happened before then?
Was Mrs. Ex-wife aware you were her husbands best friend - Did all three of you do things together, like go to the movies and dinner?

Before you go thinking I'm on a high horse....I met the man of MY dreams 17 years ago - and lusted after him unsuccessfully for about a year because he had a girlfriend. We "got together" for a brief while. A very exciting time.
Then, for really complex, but for this discussion, unimportant reasons, we both ended up marrying other people around the same time, and about 2 years later we literally ran off together too. We have been happily married ever since.
So - I know about illicit sex, lust, secrets and telling others that you are "just friends" - OH, is THAT what they're calling it now? As my grandmother would say. Don't "BS" a "BS"er - I've had a lot more practice.

So - to continue with the questions you need to be asking yourself.....
How long were you best friends before becoming lovers?
How long was he married to his ex-wife?
Are they actually divorced? If not, why not?
The answer "but he's going to get a divorce as soon as......" is the oldest one in the book honey.
Does this man have a stable job?
Does he have a drug/drinking problem?
How does he discipline his children?
Does he see his children on a regular basis? (at least a few times a week)
Is he paying money - ON TIME - for their support?
What is his current relationship with this ex-wife
What is YOUR relationship with this ex-wife.
Would he still be the man of your dreams, and your soul mate, if he had an accident tomorrow that left him a quadrepaligic that needed complete care, 24/7? How would you feel doing all the icky things to keep in clean and comfortable? How would you feel if he became impotent?

How old are you?
How old is he?
What are your education level? Similar, does one of you have a doctorate, while the other didn't graduate high school?
What are your common interests, what makes you perfect for each other?
Why are you afraid to lose someone if you have children - you mean if you have a child, HIS child, he might leave you.
Why did he leave this other woman, besides the fact you're in the picture?
Did he want the children that are HIS by this other woman?

From your initial comments, as well as your followups, I can make heads or tails what this man wants. One minute he wants kids, the next he's not sure, the next thing, there's a pregnancy scare. What are his thoughts this date? Will they be different next week?

Believe it or not - I'm a dyed in the wool romantic -
But, you also got to use your head, as well as your heart.

Any other pragmatics out there? Like me?

I think the biggest question is, is he a good father to his other 3 kids. This will clue you into how he will be with another one. If he's a dead beat dad to his other kin, yours ain't going to be any different!

I say that where he already has children, he knows what agreeing to more will mean, it's not just a "tell her what she wants to hear so she puts out" type of thing.
I would fully discuss and probably have it put in writing (sort of a pre-nup) of where you will be prioritizing this future baby and that there is no re-nig down the road. If he does then it will be pre-determined about custody, that you get the house and a car, and a specific amount of support.
But as I said, he already knows what he is agreeing to and you are a very lucky lady to have found him and he, you! Congratulations!

honest
Kitty-
My husband and I have been married almost two years. Life is great and we are the best couple, we are best friends and perfect for eachother. Except when it comes to children. I have lived my life waiting until i could married someone and have a family. when my huband asked me what i wanted out of life and i told him a man to love, a home, and children- he asked me if i could do that with him. Naturally i said yes. but this was before we got married.
The night before our wedding, as i was leaving to go home for the night, we started arguing about other things. Mainly his fear of our new life together. He was already tired and upset and we both knew we were arguing for no real reason other than stress, and we were just being hurtful. But at that moment he yelled at me and said he never has desired to have kids, and he never would want to have them.
I didnt take him seriously it was the only time he had ever said anything like that. but let me just say to anyone out there who might understand or sympathize- its been hell. my entire life has revolved around creating and enjoying a family. yes i am happy, and yes life is good and comfortable, but there is something in me that can never be satisfied.
Everyone makes their own decisions, and youre the only person who knows the strength of your will. You can make work what you want to make work. but there is never a morning i wake without it on my mind. never a night i fall asleep wishing i could hear my babies in the next room. never a time i get out of the shower and wonder what it would be like to carry a child. Theres never a time in the heat of passion that I forget that our love will never be anything more than satisfying urges, it will never bring a father his longed for child. i will not grow old with this man happily watching our family grow. I will never watch him in tender moments with his children. I will never struggle to overcome the pains and trials of raising a family.
I thought that everything would just mellow out but it doesnt. He is crazy about our sex life, protection protection protection, and when one or the other slips up he spends weeks in torture waiting to find out if iam pregnant. And those weeks are absolute hell. there is no greater hurt than the man you love so dearly ripping your heart out by acting that you have ended his world his life and everything he loves by getting yourself pregnant. he talks endlessly durring those weeks about how he can no longer do this and do that, how he'll have to work like a mule just to some how support us, get another job, sell all his beloved past times. It makes me feel like a whore, or a wentch, or something completely worthless. Instead of it being absolute joy that the one thing i have ever wanted the most longed for thing finally materializing inside me, its the worst most unthinkable pain and suffering for me.
As selfish as it is for me to some how wish that I could have just one child, even as an accident, and knowing that if i had to i could leave him and raise it on my own, I can never imagine bringing a child into that sort of life. as an unwanted child when there are so many fatherless children already.
Its the most glorious happy hell being married to someone who is perfect for you but doesnt want children. the times between the longing for small hands and hopeful faces is bliss, but it always comes back to them. your longing for children will haunt you, and if he ever hints that he doesnt want to have children it will eat you alive inside until you begin to wonder what it is exactly that you work and live for.
I have given up almost everything for my husband, and it is worth it. But not having children will always haunt me. and when i can no longer bear them, and having them is no longer possible i dont know how i will feel. But somehow i know the bitterness inside will grow and threaten our marriage.
Consider just how much youre willing to risk for love.

amosunknown--

Welcome to A2K and thank you for a well-written, informative post.

Yes, that was excellent.