Can any one help me revise my autobiography?

supercom, i don't have the time to edit your entire essay, but here's how i would revise your first 3 paragraphs. maybe other readers will make suggestions on the rest of your essay. good luck with your application!

My name is Huang Shr-Chau. I am the only son in my family. My mother is a housekeeper and my father was a public servant before he suffered a car accident. I do not have a rich family but I am content with my life. My goal in life is to pursue a career in education and contribute to society in order to repay the assistance my family received when we were in need.

After I was born, I was diagnosed with some minor disabilities. For example, I have sensorineural hearing loss so that I sometimes have to say "What?" or "Huh?" while people are talking to me. Although my minor disabilities sometimes cause me trouble, I always look at the bright side of life and enjoy each part of my life as I experience it.

In my years of schooling, I have experienced many different types of teachers and teaching styles. I believe that these teachers not only helped me develop my strengths but also pushed me to achieve my dreams. Their positive qualities also rubbed off into my character and made me what I am today. Often, I experience such positive feedback from my years of schooling that I wish to thank my teachers by becoming a teacher myself.

yitwail,

Thank you spending time to correct my writing. I really appreciate your help.

Although English has been my major for many years, most of the time I still have problem
expressing myself in English correctly. Sometimes, I still need to use body language to help me communicate with native English speaker. Not to mention transferfing my ideas onto paper properly in English.

I am also worried about whether a native English speaker will take my meaning wrongly. And I always have to write an English essay very slowly because I need to revise it many times for making it logical and understandable. However,
I still can not figure out where my problems are while I am writing in English.

I am also wondering whether an EFL learner, just like me, can have as good command at written and sponkedn English as a native English speaker has one day.

Here are a few things I've spotted .....



Not sure if you mean "attractive" here.



"In addition, I made my decision to pursue a career in education while I was studying in high school."



Probably should read "... as well as their enthusiasm for teaching."



"I am very happy to have this opportunity to apply to your Doctor's degree program in English teaching."

Sorry for my inconsideration. I did not consider the time spent on correcting my writing could be very inconvenient to others.

If possible, please give me any coments on where in my writing there could be any big grammar or word usage problems. And which sentence can not be properly understood? That could be enough to me.

Thank you all!

Ticomaya,

Thank you for your help.

You really help me a lot. Your corrections help me find many mistakes that I can not see by myself.

Thank you again!

Ticomaya's suggestions are excellent, but I would revise the last sentence differently. instead of

"I am very happy to have this opportunity to apply to your Doctor's degree program in English teaching."

i would write,

"I am honored to have this opportunity to apply to your Doctor's degree program in English teaching."

also, "appealing" would be a better word to use than "attractive" in the sentence ticomaya pointed out.

by the way, it is usually a good idea not to use the word "very". here's a portion of a college style guide:

Malcolmson Baily
Notes on English Usage in Academic Papers

The best English is exact and simple. The best writing is courteous to the reader. Hence...

Emphatics (Exclamations Points, Underling, "Really", "Very", and so on)
It is generally thought that if a writer has to emphasize a point with such devices, it is because he or she lacks sufficient control of logic and style. Because emphatics are overused in advertisements and common speech, moreover, a STATEMENT is often really very much STRONGER without them!!!

on your question about whether EFL students can become as proficient in verbal and written English as native speakers, certainly they can, especially in written English, because many native speakers write poor English.

yitwail,
Thank you again!

Thank you for sharing me some academic writing points and your encouragement. Acturally, this is my first time to hear a EFL learner one day can become as proficient in verbal and written English as native speakers. My thesis advisor once told me that her dissertation was revised by many of her American classmates at the University of Texas in Austin before she sent it to dissertation committee members for necessary revisions. So, I always think a EFL learner whose writing skills will never be better than a native speaker even if she has learnt English for many years.

Recently, I have completed my thesis, which is a quantitatively based study and has 100 pages or so. However, in the processes of writing, I always encountered problem regarding how to present my results in a complete and logical manner.Not to mention making my explanations to the results going to deep in details because I often short of words to express my ideas properly in details. I still need training in academic writing.

Until now memorizing English sentences and writing English diary are my ways to imrpove my writing skills. However, I feel my progress in enhancing my writing skills is slow and this method seems not efficient. My biggest problem is still I can not see where my writing mistakes are.

If anyone knows any books, forums, or websites that are useful in improveing English writing skills or can give me hints on academic writing, please inform me. Thank you very much.

Supercom, I chose not to correct entire passages of your autobiography. Instead, I noted a particular pattern of errors and explained what made it stylistically bad. Hopefully, this will help you correct some of the mistakes now and prevent them from happening next time.

Your verb tenses are not consistent when you're talking about the same event or group of events. Try to maintain a single general tense--past, present, or future. If you must refer to more than one time period in one sentence or paragraph, be as clear as possible about when its events take place. (See my first paragraph, for example.)

In the passages above, I've underlined the tense of the first verb in each paragraph and applied bold formatting to subsequent verbs that are not in the same tense. Notice that in the first passage, I did not highlight the second verb, "believe." This is a case where you are accurately referring to the present time (however, as a matter of style, "I believe" adds nothing to the sentence and should be removed).

The sentence should read:


In some of the paragraphs that follow, it seems clear that you are using the present tense to indicate that a particular condition still exists, as in the following:



However, it is unnecessary to acknowledge the current condition. Using the past tense (My high school was a boarding school where all students had to live and study...) does not imply that something has changed. It simply indicates what the condition was when the rest of the events took place.

There are other mistakes in the paragraphs and there other rules about consistent verb tense (including exceptions), but this is a good start. See if you can correct the rest of them yourself and post them to this forum to make us proud.

Valpower,
Thank you for your help. At the bottom is my revised autobiography. Your explanation is a good start for me to improve my tense problem. But I am sorry that it is difficult for me to totally comprehend your explanation. And I hope I did not take your explanation wrongly.

Maintaining a single general tense in each paragraph is not easy for me to understand. Also, I am not sure whether the whole paragraphes I revised are acceptable in terms of the verb tense consistency.

Sometimes, I still have to refer to more than one time period in one sentence or paragraph. If I try to make each sentence or pragraph only has one singal general tense, I feel it will restrict my writing. I mean I do not know how to describe a group of events happened in different times with one singal general tense no matter in a sentence or in a paragraph. For example, in this sentence "My mother is a housekeeper and my father once was a public servant before he suffered a car accident.", I still have to use present tense (I use linking verb "is" in "my mother is a house keeper") and past tense (I use linking verb "was" in my father was a public servent)
at the same time to describe my family members. I do not quite sure whether it is consistent in terms of the verb tense. Also, I do not know whether this sentence is as clear as possible to indicate the time for tht events to take place. However, according to the grammar rules my English teacher taught me before, the verb tense of this sentence is acceptable.

Here is how I try to maintain one singal general tense in each sentence. I pay attention to the first verb of each sentence and I change the rest verbs with tenses that are consistent to the one of the first verb. For example, I originally write "From then on, I regarded learning English as something to be enjoyed, not something that I must do but I don't like doing." Later, I change that sentence into "From then on, I regarded learning English as something to be enjoyed, not something that I had to do but I didn't like doing. "

I also try to make each paragraph consistent in terms of verb tense usage. I first indicate when a event happed at begining of each paragraph and then I try to maintain the rest tenses of verbs of that paragrapg consistent with the tense of verb I indicated at the begining of the paragraph (please see my fourth paragraph). In my fourth paragraph, I first indicated a period of time (1995) when I entered the senior high school and then I use past tense (i.e. started, interested, changed and all the past tense of verbs) to describe the whole paragraph.

On the other hand, if I can not find something to indicate a specific time period at the begining of the paragraph, I still try to make the rest verb tenses consistent with the verb tense I used at the first sentence of that paragraph. For example, In the first sentence of my third paragraph, I use "have experienced" as the present perfect tense to start the paragraph. So, I make the rest of verbs with present perfect tense, But I don't know whether the lats sentence "Many times, when I experience such positive feedback from my years of schooling, I wish to thank my teachers by becoming a teacher myself." is acceaptable in terms of the verb consistency because the verb tense of this sentence belongs to present tense, not present perfect tense.

I also removed some words such as "I believe" and "I think". because these words, as you mentioned, add nothing to my sentences.

I don't whether the revised autobiography is better or worse than before. Please give me some comments on the autobiography I have revised. Thank you.

I also don't know whether my description above is understandable to everyone. Please forgive my poor explanation.

__________________________________________

Autobiography
My name is Huang Shr-Chau. I am the only son in my family. My mother is a housekeeper and my father once was a public servant before he suffered a car accident. I do not have a rich family but I am content with my life. My goal in life is to pursue a career in education and contribute to society in order to repay the assistance my family received when we were in need.

After I was born, I was diagnosed with some minor disabilities. For example, I have sensorineural hearing loss so that I sometimes have to say "What?" or "Huh?" while people are talking to me. Although my minor disabilities sometimes cause me trouble, I always look at the bright side of life and enjoy each part of my life as I experience it.

In my years of schooling, I have experienced many different types of teachers with different teaching styles. These teachers have helped me develop my strengths and pushed me to achieve my dreams. Their positive qualities have also rubbed off into my character that has made me what I am today. Many times, when I experience such positive feedback from my years of schooling, I wish to thank my teachers by becoming a teacher myself.

I started to learn English when I entered the St. Ignatius high school in 1995. At that time, I was not interested in learning English and my motivation to learn English was just because my grade in English was always better than those in other subjects. However, my perception of learning English was changed after I had the pleasure of meeting a great English teacher who developed my interest in learning English. She not only had effective instructional methods but also had a good humor. Her lectures were always very interesting and appealing. Even if the material taught was dull and boring, she made learning enjoyable with hands-on activities or different learning games. More importantly, she never spoon-fed her students. She always tried to guide students to develop their self-motivated learning habits and attitudes. Due to her influence on me, my interest in learning English was aroused. From then on, I regarded learning English as something to be enjoyed, not something that I had to do but I didn't like doing. Later, I decided to major in English after the graduation of high school.

In addition, I made my decision to pursue a career in education while I was studying in the high school. My high school was a boarding school and all students had to live and study on the campus everyday except on weekends. Teachers often stayed with us most of the time and they blended in with us so well. We were like friends towards one another. These teachers not only taught us knowledge and skills but also showed us the ways for learning and how to think independently. I became mature and knowledgeable under such a kind of teaching. I was lucky to have become the student of St. Ignatius high school and this influenced my decision to pursue a career in education because I was deeply touched by their warmth and affection towards students as well as their enthusiasm for teaching. These teachers not only helped me get into college but also saw some potential in me and pushed me hard to see this realization. To me, they were not just teachers. They were one of the most influential people in my life because they not only just changed my life, but they also shifted my views about leaning and gave me the mindset to become a teacher.

In 1998, I passed the Joint College Entrance Examination (JCEE) and was admitted to the Department of Foreign Languages and Literature of Huafan University for further studies. In the university, I spent much time on learning. I took more course credits than the school required. I not only concentrated my study on required subjects such as English Literature, American Literature and Linguistics but also took some practical optional courses such as Chinese-English Oral Interpretation, Business Communication Skills and Practice in International Trade because these courses could provide me with practical skills that might come into handy one day and my grades were very satisfactory. Additionally, I also joined some extracurricular activities. These activities broaden my horizons and unexpectedly developed my interest in other areas. When I was at the Student Organization, I was appointed to the position of assistant of advertisement and communication where I learned from my upper classmates many different drawing skills and techniques for designing websites. Such experience later developed my interests in drawing and computer.

After obtaining my B.A. degree in 2002, I availed myself of an opportunity to further my study in the Graduate Institute of Applied English at the Southern Taiwan University of Technology where I majored in English teaching. In this school, I realized graduate school focused on research training and it was not a place for people who want more undergraduate courses. In addition to taking courses in the field of English teaching, I also took courses in the area of research methods such as Qualitative Research, Research Methods, Statistics and Multiple Analysis of Variances to give myself a good grounding in conducting research. Last year my paper "A Study of Language Learning Strategies Used by Applied English Major Students in University of Technology" was accepted by an educational conference that might be the best instance of the integration of my studies. Besides, I also had a part-time job, as a substitute teacher, teaching English four hours a week in the Global Village private language school to gain necessary teaching experience.

Now I am honored to have this opportunity to apply to your Doctor's degree program in English teaching. This brief autobiography is submitted in partial fulfillment of your application requirements. Thank you very much.

Supercom, I think these changes are good. They make the autobiography easier to read.



The fact that you have to refer to more than one time period will guide you in deciding whether to use it or not. Maintaining consistent verb tenses is not an absolute rule that you must obey at all times, but you should always consider how frequently you are changing tenses within a sentence or a paragraph, as too many can make the reader uncomfortable. The idea is that a change in tense should represent a momentary break and not go back and forth constantly.

Hi, everyone

I appreciate your useful comments on my writing. However, it is difficult for me to totally understand the concept of tense in English in a very short period of time. It is also difficult for me to improve my writing ability in a while. I need time to gradually enhance my writing skill.

I can not delete my post. I think my topic is not worthy of discussing anymore. It is just my personal problems on writing. So, please just leave it as it is and need not to give me any comments or suggestions.

Thank you all on the A2K forum.

I had to add this:

Don't feel bad, you have better command of english, than many people born here.