A Question About Therapists

I think it's very astute of you to have caught her at this. Maybe she's right, of course, but most likely she's working from some preconceived notion that isn't going to do your or hubby a bit of good. Consider that she may also have certain preconceived notions about him.

In other words, consider finding someone who is prepared to listen before offering advice.

There are a couple of things here.

First of all, can you accept your husband's decision about his relationship with his parents? This seems to be something that a spouse should stay out of unless the spouse specifically asks for advice.

I can't know very much about the situation from the little that you wrote, but if this is the main problem... you should drop it.

The term "controlling" is emotionally laden and I don't know whether this is your word, your husbands or the therapists.

There needs to be boundaries in a marriage. You are a partner with your spouse and obviously have mutual concerns and a close relationship--- but you also continue to be individuals with your own lives.

Your husbands relationship with his parents is clearly his issue. If he doesn't want your input, you should just drop it since it doesn't concern you. If you try to "help" him in this personal area when he doesn't want your help, you are intruding.

It is important that you respect your husband's decisions and allow him to grow as a separate individual. This may be what your husband and your therapist are trying to tell you.

Re: A Question About Therapists



One of the possibilities is that she is right about both you and your husband.

That is probably not an appealing answer, but it is possible.

Like accountants, lawyers, doctors and dentists, therapist expertise runs the gamut...........from great to horrible. From what you have written, I really don't know if she is correct or not, and I would not venture a guess.

I think though that you need to confront the therapist, when you are alone, and tell her of your concerns. Be up front with her, and see her reaction. If you are not satisfied with her answers, I would look for another therapist!

Therapists often have a plethora of their own psychological problems. A gold mine for parody, which has found its way into sitcoms (think Frasier, for example).

But, regardless of their own personal flaws, they still do know techniques to help you. Try to ignore her shortcomings, unless it interferes with what you're paying her to do... which it actually may not, if you're patient.

That said, don't hesitate to get a new therapist if you can't stand her.

It is not my husband who is bringing up the controlling issue, it is the therapist. His parents are really not a big issue in our lives together, but they are very much a problem with him. It's not like he has a bad relationship with his parents, he just feels like they always find him to be a disapointment. He also feels like they push him into things he is not ready to be a part of. So I can understand why he might not want to go over there, but I in no way force him to go. I never had anything but the best of intensions and I in no way wanted to make him feel uncomfortable. Ever since she told me that I no longer accept invitations for us to join them for dinner. I think what is really hurtful is that I think she is spending too much time talking to and getting to know my husband but not taking the time to get to know me which is giving her a false impression about me. Half the time I am wondering where she even comes up with the stuff she does. She seems to only focus on meaningless parts of our conversations. For example, sometimes I will say in my sentences "how I like it," meaning, how I like the way something looks. She will stay focused on that one part of the situation and tell me when I am finnished talking that I am conceded for liking something someway. Like I can't like something unless my husband likes it too or I am conceded for not thinking about him.

What you perceive as meaningless may, or may not, be meaningless.

It's clear that you don't like the way things are heading with the therapist. That doesn't mean she's wrong.

Definitely talk to her about your perception of what is going on in counselling - and be prepared for a response that may not be to your liking.

It sounds like she is referring to much to her schooling rather than trying to help you. Trying to be clever, rather than helpful (one of my biggest pet peeves).

My father is a psychiatrist, and he told me when we was going through training (I'm not sure if it was internship, or medical school. I'm a little ignorant of the process), he was instructed to constantly say "M-hmm," while listening to patients to convince them you were paying attention. And when he tried to have conversations with other psychiatrists they would always be saying "M-hmm," or "I see..." so much that he couldn't stand talking to them.

I wonder if you might not be better off with a different therapist for your individual sessions than the one for the couple sessions. I'm not sure about the case with marital counselling and individual therapy, but in the case of child/parent counseling I've been told the best approach is to have individual therapists and then a family counselor who works just on family issues.

Would it be better if you had someone to talk to who isn't also treating your husband, and for him to have someone to talk to who isn't also treating you? You could still use this woman for marital counseling.

Thats a good point, I might need that since she pretty much knows that he is the one that needs the therapy which she has told me before. I think she is concentrating on him too hard and maybe she thinks that I am the one that could be causing some of his problems and she wants to know how that could be.

I'm quite concerned if she shares things with you during your private sessions that have come up during his private sessions. Where's the privacy if she's telling you what he said and telling him what you said? The main benefit of individual therapy is to have someone who will work with you on your issues, as you see them. It sounds like she's trying to work on your issues and you aren't sure you have any.

It's not that unusual for marital counselling to be done like this.
One therapist - with the couple going individually and as a couple.
Things that are related to the couple's issues may be discussed, and sometimes shared within the individual sessions (with the permission of the person whose information is being shared).

If there are issues outside of the couple counselling, the therapist may make a referral to someone else (in this jurisdiction, they are expected to).

SCoates, the mmmmmmhmmmmmmmm approach is a component of a particular approach to counselling. I recall that when I was taking the courses, our whole group mmmmmmhmmmmmmmm'd away for weeks at a time. Made for odd conversations. It's not standard to all types of therapy/analysis.

I just added it as an interesting story. Not necessarily a relevant one.

Well that is a very interesting point. The reason we have couple sessions and individual sessions is because my husband sometimes has a hard time expressing the way he feels to me. I figured it would be better for him to get things off his mind while I wasn't around so that he didn't have to concentrate so hard on making sure he didn't offend me. He sometimes doesn't think before he speaks and the things he says don't seem to come out the way he intends them making the situation worse. Another good reason for the individual sessions is when we meet for the couple sessions, the therapist can bring to mind the things he has said in a much lighter tone so that when he hears his own thoughs said in a way she knows I would prefere, he should start to warm up to telling me his feelings. I on the other hand have absolutly no problem telling him how I feel and it doesn't matter to me if I said it to him personally or he is hearing it in front of her, he's gonna find out how I feel one way or another.

Kitkat,

There is something in your posts that doesn't make sense.

If you are in therapy as a couple, it should be to work on problems you both are having as a couple. You seem to want to lay all of the problems in your marriage on your husband. This goes against the purpose of couples therapy.

The way you speak about communication in your last post is interesting. Communication involves two people and problems in communication involve two people. A husband doesn't have problems communicating, neither does a wife-- it is a couple that has problems communicating.

You speak of your husband needing to concentrate on making sure he doesn't offend you. This is a problem in your relationship. I would expect a good therapist to work with you both as a couple to find better ways to communicate. Your solution... having a therapist protect you from what you see as a flaw in your husband... doesn't seem logical.

From my experience, couples therapy works best when two people want to work together on their relationship. This means that both partners need to take responsibility for the problems and both need to make an effort to make the marriage better.

Individual therapy is for an individual to work on issues he or she is having as an individual. I can't imagine having a spouse be involved in this... other than once or twice-- especially in a case where there is obvious tension in the marriage.

My advice is this:

First, work on your relationship with your husband. You must take equal responsibility for the problems. You are a couple, and it is not fair to blame the problems in your marriage on what you see as flaws in your spouse. It is not a wife's job to fix problems in her husband and trying is a recipe for a disaster.

Second, you should clarify your role in this therapy with your therapist and your husband. I am reading between the lines, but I don't believe that it is useful for you to attend therapy for you husband. This goes against everything I have experienced and understand about therapy.

It is possible that the therapist is, as I expect she should be, working on helping you as equal partners in a marriage. Perhaps you have an expectation that this therapist fix your marriage by fixing your husband that is not shared.

If this goal of this therapy is really to work on issues that your husband is having... it seems clear that you should not be involved.

I would highly recommend real couples therapy to work on issues of communication in marriage.

ebrown--

You make very good sense.

I've had experiences with therapists and what roger points out is the most important thing you should be looking in yours. Therapists are there to listen and help you find the answers yourself, not to talk and offer preformatted advices. I've personally had a really good experience with pshychoanalysis (the freudian and lacanian therapy), 'cause it offers you the possibility of analyze yourself instead of a life's recipe -which is what most of the therapists do- that doesn't consider you as a subject of your own history. My advice: look for someone else that can really help you both.

Though you have a point ebrown_p there is still something you are missing about individual sessions. First of all, I didn't say he needs to concentrate on not offending me, I said he feels as if he needs to. Meaning he is worried that he might offend me because he knows he doesn't always think before he speaks. Though we are a couple and need to support each other as a couple, we are still our own individual self and without that, and without knowing who we are, people tend to feel lost. My whole existance isn't just my husband, I am a real person who has individual feelings. If all I know is my husband and nothing else I feel lost inside and unhappy because I don't know who I am. If all I can think and feel an express is my marriage and nothing else then I really am only a married woman and nothing else. This is why I understand that my husband needs to find out who he is. We are both still young and haven't yet figured out what we want to do or who we want to be, all we know is that we have someone there for us who is understanding and supportive. If my husband is having trouble expressing himself because he doesn't yet know how to nor does he really understand who he is, then I think he should get help from someone who knows what they are doing. My husband does need to find out who he is by himself but it doesn't hurt to have a little help along the way. If I am always there and he can only talk when I am around then he will think that his only existance in life is to be exactly how I want him to be, talk exactly how I want him to talk, think like I want, do as I want, and the only thing he can be as a man is a married one.

I'm guessing his mother is dominating. Just a guess, but with the financial support and his hesitancy to speak his feelings with you, it might be a good guess.

People tend to be drawn to what they know. (Not the same as what they like or are comfortable with) so perhaps in his sessions he is indicating to the therapist that he feels you are controlling, much like his mother. Her sessions then with you bring this up as a way to get you thinking about it, considering it as a possibility.