Tue 12 Feb, 2019 05:39 am
My story is that I felt in love with a person that doesn't know how to receive love and affection, he often says that he feels that he does not deserve love. And are not just words, this thought is deeply into his sould and way of being unfortunately.
Our meeting was amaizing, that kind of meeting full of " coincidences". He is a great person and we have a very strong connection but he was never loved, never. Not only the fact that he never had a real relationship ( as weird as it may sound) but you can see he never received real love. He considers unself so unworthy of love and affection. It is really challenging to be with him. He constantly wonders why I am still with him, why I haven't left from the very first second I saw " he is a bad person and he hurts people around him" (his words), who is he to deserve this kindness from my said, who is he to receive all this beautiful words from my side. He was obsessed with "i want to show you my worst part, you don't deserve to be lied, I want you to see the real me first" Is like everytime we are good he feels the need to find the smallest little thing that can be bad. Is like he is afraid of peace and happiness. I am aware that this things are defense mechanism for him, I am aware he does not realize this. I thought at the beginning that I can handle him by being there for him, treating him with affection and offering him as much beauty as I can but sometimes he is scared of this. But I don't know how to handle him, what to do more. Usually I won't even complicate my life with this kind of situation I have my own emotional problems on which I am working as any other human. But I am here with him because I really feel to. I amaize myself also. Because as tiring as it can be become a lot of times, I want to be with him, to be there for him. I genuinely feel that. I genuinely feel for him. I don't want to leave him but sometimes I am really discouraged. I don't take things personally I am trying to understand him and what is behind that mask and how broken he is. But sometimes I want both to contribute to our happiness not just me fighting for him. don't get me wrong, in his good moments he is really tender and he is really present. even when he is " angry " he feels a lot for me. He shows it. Communication with him is very hard, it can never be effective when he is upset or sad. He just have like a cover on his eyes. I suffer so much seing him suffering that way. He comes after saying he is sorry he is so stupid and he is amaized I am still with him. Why I am after all this attitude of him still besides him, why? this is his question.
I tried to explain him that when he wont be able to see the light I will sit with him in the dark. Those were my exact words.
I am also not the most opened person in the world or the most emotionally mature but with him I have opened more than I am used to. I can't explain why, I just felt to do it
I don't know how to treat a person like him, he is so beautiful despite all this dark side he has really beautifull aspects, he is a really good one.
But sometimes I feel lost!
@alessandra curly ,
This does not sound like a relationship that is healthy for either one of you. What you describe fits the dictionary definition of a "codependent" relationship.
To be honest, it sounds like he might be dealing with some mental health issues... there is nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone dealing with depression but you can not be in a romantic relationship with someone that you are trying to save
. It never works and it often ends up something really difficult (i.e. abuse).
What you wrote raises some red flags for me... particularly the part about you thinking he "doesn't see the light" and what you wrote about "anger".
If he isn't ready for a healthy relationship, then there is nothing you can do. My strong advice is to find someone who is ready for a healthy relationship rather than trying to fix someone who clearly isn't.
You can't be both his therapist and his lover.
when I said anger I din't meant physical anger maybe you thought that, I am not sure from your sentence. I mean when he is discouraged and angry he does not communicate effectively at all, he is just there in his world. The light sentence was a methaphor I though it might help him, was in the context when he feels bad and after he is sorry about his attitude I will be there not judging him. Maybe I don't express myself correctly. I have never been addicted to somebody, really I was and I am a strong critic of people that are addicted one to each other. I always did things on myself in relationship, had my own freedom. I considered I had quite healthy relationships. I can be withouth him even in this moment but I really care about him and would like to try. It seems so sad to loose the real connection that is between us.
@alessandra curly ,
OK... I understand.
Hopefully you are taking care of yourself. Please do. The best way to have a healthy relationship is to take care of yourself first.
I am, I am doing the same things I did before knowing him, same hobbyes (dance classed etc), seeing the same friends ans so on, I still focus on my personal development, I myself go to therapy to fix some things that I am aware of and I believe in therapy, it helped me a lot.
I suggested him therapy but I know he really needs to want it not to go forced otherwise it will have no effect at all. I spoke opened with him about this things and he said he realized he need it also. I didn't insisted on this because me insisting I don't think is going to help him.
I don't want to fix him with my behavior, to do therapy with him, but what I want is to know how not to break him more (maybe is to hard said) how to be there for him and react with him.
Depressed? Whiney? No joy in life? Attention seeking? Rigid? Emotionally withdrawn?
Who knows where all this stems from. Maybe an “I never got mine (love, attention, nurturing) so I’m not giving anyone else that” mentality.
His character is showing. Very difficult to live with.
You will never have enough energy or do the right things to make this personality disorder get better.
You could tell him you're sick and tired of his refrain. Everybody has self-doubt. Everybody thinks his or her darkest secrets are shameful, and yet we all carry on. Tell him he's not 'special', he's just like you and me. You got issues too, and you're getting professional help. Nobody is ******* perfect.
Also, you could tell him there's nothing you can do about it. It's beyond your control. Loving someone is not something that one can control. You love him and that's it, he should try and get used to it cause it's not gona change soon.
He likes to be put down? Oblige him. Tell him to grow up and accept he's never going to be perfect or even 'normal'. Nobody is.
@alessandra curly ,
I'm the person like your loved one. I have never been loved before. But it seems not a really healthy relationship for both of you. Even though I'm in low self-esteem and cannot able to love confidently, I still would like to try if we do feel each other strongly. Sorry I don't think that he like you that much. So he cannot step forward. True love overcomes issues. You should let it go, and move on and improve yourself, then you will meet a better guy who would react to your love confidently.
Truth is I never met someone like him, nonetheless being in a relationship. If anybody would have told me that I will be able to be in this situation I would say no, never, I care to much about my peace and I want to be in a healthy relationship with good and bad parts as any previous ones. But I find myself still being with him because I really feel. I am also amazed how much I have opened myself to him. The paradox is that when I met him I felt really peaceful, we met in a trip somewhere in Europe where we were both solo travels. Even if he is not a peaceful person I felt so in peace with him, all those days. He is a very beautiful person deep inside, he has really a lot of beautiful things and I am not inventing them I saw and see them. He also opened himself and he was sincere with me about who he is, he didn't try to pretend he is somebody else. In the moments when he manages to chill his thoughts little bit we really feel heaven somehow, a beautiful feeling. I really can walk away anytime even if I will be broken but broken is part of life but I don't want now. Just that many times he makes me so.... tired ..... I know he is trying I saw him trying and I have examples ...
if you think you are that kind of person, that type as you said, tell me please how do you feel better to be treated, spoken to and so on?
I really think he feels for me also because I saw it.
Sometimes people react bad ( not on a conscious level) like a defense mechanism. I see that sometimes he just feels like he doesn\t deserve so much good and somehow he sabotage himself.
I really want just to know how to react with him. I am not the one that can fix him and never had this in mind but I would like to learn how to react to his ... way
Anyway, caring about yourself is always the best thing in any relationship. Good luck!