Husband Issues....

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My husband and I are high school sweethearts. In high school we both sat in the same group of friends and did all the same things together. As the years went by and we were still dating, we managed to filter out all the friends in the group that went their separate ways. All the friends who ended up not being real true friends weren't a part of our friend circle. We managed to get our circle down to three bestest best friends and good friends of those friends. Not only are they all guys but I get along alot better with guys than I do girls. When I am with them, I am just one of the guys and we all enjoy each others company. Here is where the problem comes in.

When my husband feels like he needs a night away from me he will go hang out with one or all of our good friends and pretty much not allow me to come. Me wanting to be there has nothing to do with him being there or not, I just know that where one is, more will come. Our friends and us do everything together and when all the guys are hanging out, I want to be there as well. Somewhere in the relationship something happened as to where if I want to hang out with the gang I had to ask permission from my husband to make sure it was ok with him and I wasn't intruding on his fun. Now, im not in any way saying he doesn't deserve a night out once in a while. The problem I am having is, while he is out there having a great time, I am at home on my ass doing nothing because I have been forbidden to hang with my best friends.

My husband told me that it is my job to go out and find friends when he wants a night alone. I find this ridiculous. Not only is he forcing me to give up the only friends I have and who make me happy, but he is putting a block between me and my friends. I told him that if it was him that wanted to get away from me, then it was him who should go out and look for friends to do that with instead of taking mine away from me forcing me into seclusion. Why should I have to give up the only friends I have? If he found his own friends then he would be happy because I am not there, and I would be happy because I would still be able to hang out with my friends who like me whether or not he is there.

We have been doing therapy for the past few months and on our last session he told the therapist that he wishes that I would find my own friends instead of constantly hanging out with "his" friends. He tells me that he thinks I should find some girl friends and leave him alone when he wants to hang out with the guys. He has basically taken over control of our friends and made it so he chooses when I can hang with them and when I can't. And if I show up without asking permission, he makes my life a living hell. He will call me names, say nasty things about me to them right in front of me. He will treat me as if I didn't exsist or if I was a giant piece of gum under his shoe. The friends I have make me happy and make me feel good about myself. It isn't right that he has control over my happiness like that. What should I do????

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I think he needs to find some other ways to get away. Some other form of "me" time. That way his/your friends won't be his only escape, and he won't mind sharing them.

Sounds like he's pretty stressed out (when I'm stressed I'm more likely to act liek a Jerk, because I REALLY do need some time to relax). If that's the case then it may be the source of the problem, which needs to be addressed first. But that's kind of a shot in the dark, since I don't know him.

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I agree with you kitkat, it is ridiculous.

Tell him to find friends that are not yours, if he doesn't want you there. You dont have to listen to him when he tells you not to see them, and you have no obligation (to them, certainly, if they see you as such as great friend also) to seperate yourself from them.

Sometimes people need their own escape... as SCoates said, he just needs other outlets. He has NO RIGHT to bar you from people you've grown to love. None.

Why does he think that "our" friends are "his"? That is the biggest question I can think of.

I actually recommend two things:
- that he find new friends for him
- that you find new friends
- Keep the ones you both have, DON'T let either of you "win" them over.

This way, you both have your escapes, and you can still have those friendships.

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I think there are a few possibilities. (I'm just guessing.)

1) He's jealous. He doesn't like to see his wife hanging out with other guys, even though they are your best friends.

2) It's a men thing. Sometimes there are men's talks that they don't like to have women join them.

or
3) He's too lazy/afraid to make new friends. (Or he's just plain - selfish!)

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Could this possessiveness about male friends be part of the "controlling woman" you and the therapist are arguing about?

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49647

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Re: Husband Issues....

kitkat_bar wrote:

When my husband feels like he needs a night away from me he will go hang out with one or all of our good friends and pretty much not allow me to come.

Of course he doesn't want you there....it's called time without the wife and time to act like an ass with the boys. All men want it. All men need it. Once a month or so isn't too much to ask for. Just because they are your friends too, doesn't mean he shouldn't get exclusive time with them. Why don't you go out with them without him?

kitkat_bar wrote:

Somewhere in the relationship something happened as to where if I want to hang out with the gang I had to ask permission from my husband to make sure it was ok with him and I wasn't intruding on his fun. Now, im not in any way saying he doesn't deserve a night out once in a while. The problem I am having is, while he is out there having a great time, I am at home on my ass doing nothing because I have been forbidden to hang with my best friends.

Why were you "forbidden"? Unforbid it...he has no right to forbid you to anything. You're his wife, not his child.

kitkat_bar wrote:

My husband told me that it is my job to go out and find friends when he wants a night alone.

Perhaps you should find your own friends. Then this wouldn't be a problem. You don't have to give up "the guys" but maybe you could be proactive and find some other friends. And yes, it is your job to find your own friends. Who's job would it be?

kitkat_bar wrote:

I find this ridiculous. Not only is he forcing me to give up the only friends I have and who make me happy, but he is putting a block between me and my friends. I told him that if it was him that wanted to get away from me, then it was him who should go out and look for friends to do that with instead of taking mine away from me forcing me into seclusion. Why should I have to give up the only friends I have?

You said above that you were not allowed to see them....have you said very simply that if he gets time alone with them, so do you? It's all about compromise and fairness. You sound like a child. He can't take away what you won't allow him to.

kitkat_bar wrote:

We have been doing therapy for the past few months and on our last session he told the therapist that he wishes that I would find my own friends instead of constantly hanging out with "his" friends.

Were they his friends first in high school? If so, they are his friends and you joined in later. He might use this term also because they are "the guys" and he is a guy.

kitkat_bar wrote:

He tells me that he thinks I should find some girl friends and leave him alone when he wants to hang out with the guys. He has basically taken over control of our friends and made it so he chooses when I can hang with them and when I can't.

Again, he needs time with just the guys. Let him have it. It sounds like you are being selfish here. If you want time alone with them, do it. And why don't you want girl friends? Every woman needs at least one good girlfriend.

kitkat_bar wrote:

And if I show up without asking permission, he makes my life a living hell. He will call me names, say nasty things about me to them right in front of me. He will treat me as if I didn't exsist or if I was a giant piece of gum under his shoe. The friends I have make me happy and make me feel good about myself. It isn't right that he has control over my happiness like that.

First of all, when he is out with the guys, you have no business "showing up" and crashing the party. It isn't you. It's your estrogen. When my husband has poker night, the women/wives/girlfriends are not "allowed" to come to the table. It isn't that our men would call us names (because that is where your man is DEAD wrong and immature) but we respect their right to sit at the poker table and talk about sports and boob, burp, swear, and generally be guys without the girls. Now, as to how he reacts when you do rudely crash the guy party....that is just insane. He is being immature and stupid. And you should tell him that you will not be spoken to or treated like that. He is wrong for treating you that way. No matter what you do or say.

kitkat_bar wrote:

What should I do????

Get some other friends, demand that you get alone time with your old friends and quit hounding him on wanting time away from you.

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Other people suggested that you each find other groups of friends which is also a possibility, but if you have difficulty finding new friends - then do as something like Bella Dea suggests. Why don't you both work together and decide something like every other Friday, your husband goes out alone with your friends and the alternating Fridays you get to go out with them without your husband. Then on other nights you all go out.

Also when he goes out with just the guys, why are you just sitting at home? Even if you do not have another group of friends, how about getting together with some family? Or go to a movie or shopping or another activity you can do without a group of friends. For me, I enjoy when my husband goes out with friends. It is an opportunity for me to spend time alone with my children and when they go to bed, I thoroughly enjoy the time alone. Reading a book or watching a chick flick, pamper you - take a bubble bath, with soft music and candles and some dark chocolate and champagne - do things that are difficult to do when he is around. Make this night when he goes out a positive for you - then you may actually enjoy it and look forward to it. I think one issue is that you are bored when you are left alone. It may be helpful to find something of interest just for you.

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Good ideas Linkat!

I think she just needs to "recapture her inner woman". You need to re-establish your identity without your husband.

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Re: Husband Issues....

Bella Dea wrote:

kitkat_bar wrote:

When my husband feels like he needs a night away from me he will go hang out with one or all of our good friends and pretty much not allow me to come.

Of course he doesn't want you there....it's called time without the wife and time to act like an ass with the boys. All men want it. All men need it. Once a month or so isn't too much to ask for. Just because they are your friends too, doesn't mean he shouldn't get exclusive time with them. Why don't you go out with them without him?

As I had said before, I don't have a problem with him going out on his own once in a while, it's him telling me that I'm not allowed to hang out with my own friends that I have a problem with.

kitkat_bar wrote:
Somewhere in the relationship something happened as to where if I want to hang out with the gang I had to ask permission from my husband to make sure it was ok with him and I wasn't intruding on his fun. Now, im not in any way saying he doesn't deserve a night out once in a while. The problem I am having is, while he is out there having a great time, I am at home on my ass doing nothing because I have been forbidden to hang with my best friends.

Why were you "forbidden"? Unforbid it...he has no right to forbid you to anything. You're his wife, not his child.

Also as I had said before its not exactly that he forbids it, he tells me that I am not welcome and if I come along anyway he makes my life a living hell by calling me names and making fun of me right in front of them. He will also say personal things about our relationship to humiliate me in front of everyone.

kitkat_bar wrote:

My husband told me that it is my job to go out and find friends when he wants a night alone.

Perhaps you should find your own friends. Then this wouldn't be a problem. You don't have to give up "the guys" but maybe you could be proactive and find some other friends. And yes, it is your job to find your own friends. Who's job would it be?

I don't think you truly understand the situation very well. THEY ARE MY OWN FRIENDS!!!!!! I have known them through all of high school and they are my best friends. It would be like me walking into your life, making friends with your best friends, then telling you you need to go find your own friends while I am hanging out with them. I don't see why the hell I should find other friends when I am happy with the ones I have.

kitkat_bar wrote:

I find this ridiculous. Not only is he forcing me to give up the only friends I have and who make me happy, but he is putting a block between me and my friends. I told him that if it was him that wanted to get away from me, then it was him who should go out and look for friends to do that with instead of taking mine away from me forcing me into seclusion. Why should I have to give up the only friends I have?

You said above that you were not allowed to see them....have you said very simply that if he gets time alone with them, so do you? It's all about compromise and fairness. You sound like a child. He can't take away what you won't allow him to.

I sound like a child??? My husband doesn't even know what compromise means. My husband is one of the most childish, immature, unfair person I know when it comes to getting what he wants and I am the child??

kitkat_bar wrote:

We have been doing therapy for the past few months and on our last session he told the therapist that he wishes that I would find my own friends instead of constantly hanging out with "his" friends.

Were they his friends first in high school? If so, they are his friends and you joined in later. He might use this term also because they are "the guys" and he is a guy.

No they were not his friends first. In high school my husband moved from group to group whereas I stayed in the same group that my best friends are in everday. He would come and stay with us near the end of the lunch period. Once school was out for the day, thats when all of us went out and did things together. They were both of our friends at the same time, but I was more committed.

kitkat_bar wrote:

He tells me that he thinks I should find some girl friends and leave him alone when he wants to hang out with the guys. He has basically taken over control of our friends and made it so he chooses when I can hang with them and when I can't.

Again, he needs time with just the guys. Let him have it. It sounds like you are being selfish here. If you want time alone with them, do it. And why don't you want girl friends? Every woman needs at least one good girlfriend.

Because I don't get along with women. I find them irritating and whinny. I have also been backstabbed by all the girls I considered my best friends and I have never been betrayed by a guy. I am a tom boy at heart and guys are cooler to hang out with. I do have some girl friends but I rarely see them because they are all off to college in different states.

kitkat_bar wrote:

And if I show up without asking permission, he makes my life a living hell. He will call me names, say nasty things about me to them right in front of me. He will treat me as if I didn't exsist or if I was a giant piece of gum under his shoe. The friends I have make me happy and make me feel good about myself. It isn't right that he has control over my happiness like that.

First of all, when he is out with the guys, you have no business "showing up" and crashing the party. It isn't you. It's your estrogen. When my husband has poker night, the women/wives/girlfriends are not "allowed" to come to the table. It isn't that our men would call us names (because that is where your man is DEAD wrong and immature) but we respect their right to sit at the poker table and talk about sports and boob, burp, swear, and generally be guys without the girls. Now, as to how he reacts when you do rudely crash the guy party....that is just insane. He is being immature and stupid. And you should tell him that you will not be spoken to or treated like that. He is wrong for treating you that way. No matter what you do or say.

This I understand...another problem I am having is the fact that he thinks it is ok to flip some kind of switch as to where I am one of the guys one day and just a wife the next. It seems to me that he is the one that determines what I am wheather or not the other guys see me as a part of the group or not.

kitkat_bar wrote:
What should I do????

Get some other friends, demand that you get alone time with your old friends and quit hounding him on wanting time away from you.

Again...I am not hounding him for wanting to get away from me...it's how he feels he can control when I can and cannot hang with my own friends.

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kitkat--

You announce:

Quote:

I don't get along with women. I find them irritating and whinny. I have also been backstabbed by all the girls I considered my best friends and I have never been betrayed by a guy. I am a tom boy at heart and guys are cooler to hang out with. I do have some girl friends but I rarely see them because they are all off to college in different states.

on A2K where men and women are considered equals.

You choose to seek advice in the Relationships and Marriage forum where most of the posters are women.

You are not a stupid woman. Evidently you chose to marry right out of high school, expecting that all your high school relationships would remain unchanged.

Perhaps your brain is starved for stimulation?

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Kitkat - just to let you know I understand how you feel about getting along better with guys. I am a little like that too as I was always a tomboy and grew up with all brothers. Fortunately for me I have some girlfriends that are more like me. But it is true those types of women are hard to find.

Since you are more of a Tomboy type of girl - maybe you could find a women's or even co-ed softball team or other sports team to be a part of. I know there are lots of groups like that in my area. I can understand that it must be tough because they were your friend's first. I would though still allow him to have his time around them without you - as long as it is not every time and you still get the opportunity to pal around them too.

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WHY DID YOU MARRY THIS MAN?

All you are doing is whining (like you apparently hate) about what an immature, nasty, child this man is and how he doesn't let you see "your" friends and when you do he calls you names.

YOU are also refusing to compromise. Have you considered that perhaps your friends have moved on and are not "on the same page" as you any more and are closer to your husband now? You might not like it but people change and friends from high school are hard to keep.

And here is some more hard truth.
If your "friends" didn't like the way your husband was treating you, they'd speak up, right? Or do they just not care that he berates you in front of them? Or keeps you away from spending time with them? Why haven't they said something about not being able to see you? And if they have, why haven't they told your husband they want you around? And if they have told him that, what has he said?

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I often look forward to nights without Mr. Kitten. Not that I don't like him, but I enjoy being alone, doing the hot bath thing, meditating, reading, whatever.

Perhaps if you knew you would have your own time out with friends, you'd be more able to enjoy his not being there, instead of feeling left out. You can also certainly go elsewhere when he's out.

One important thing: Your husband cannot forbid you from doing what you choose.

Frankly, you've said enough things on this forum about the Mister's bad behavior that I, too, wonder why you married him & stay married to him. But I suppose that's why you're in therapy, eh?

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BorisKitten wrote:

Frankly, you've said enough things on this forum about the Mister's bad behavior that I, too, wonder why you married him & stay married to him. But I suppose that's why you're in therapy, eh?

Good point. We are in therapy for a good reason. My husband decided to stop denying that he was chronically depressed and realized that it was causing the marriage so many problems and we have been talking to a therapist about how to fix it. He is now on some medication for it and things are getting a lot better. I come on here to get advice when things go bad. As in all relationships, sometimes things go a little hay-wire and it helps to hear someone elses point of view. This isn't my life with him every day, these are things that happen every so often that upset me and don't seem to effect him when I bring them up

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relationships take work...sometimes adjusting to situations don't happen over night. The fact is that when 2 seperate lives become one, it can become clash of the titans lol. so many issues to deal with..the only way to overcome these issues is with compromise, communication and respect. My advice is that you both need to find your own friendships, as well as new mutual friendships that share common intrest. Both of you are being selfish in my opinion. i can't imagine how this group of fellas feel being thrown in the middle of it. if you both aren't careful you could end up not having any friends left at all.

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