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Am I chasing someone that is not interested in me? (New to dating)

 
 
Reply Mon 4 Feb, 2019 07:52 am
We met on a dating website - both seeking a meaningful relationship. After two weeks of chatting we arranged to meet. He suggested the evening as he was working and we met and went for coffee. It was only 2 hours but seemed to go amazingly well. Conversation flowed easily. He even held my hand during the date before hugging me and kissing me goodbye. He text me straight away saying we’d organise a second date. I then barely heard from him. I’d send a message and he’s either leave it on read or not reply for two-three says whereas he’d speak to me almost all day, every day leading up to our date. I put it down to him being busy but had a nagging feeling that I’d he was truly into, he’s message me no matter what. After a few days of him not replying, I stopped waiting and though quite hurt, I tried to move on. Over two weeks later I’d almost forgotten him and the. Received a text after 1am in the morning on a Saturday asking why I was giving him the “silent treatment”. I responded that I felt he had been breadcrumbing me only for him to say he’d been unwell etc. Despite this I agreed to meet him for a second date (again on his terms) and leading up to it he messaged me all day, every day and we seemed to hit it off. I met him on January 31st and lost my virginity to him that night. We lay there after chatting, cuddling and kissing until I had to go home. It felt very intimate and I felt we’d made a true connection. He hugged me afterwards when I went to get the bus home but did not kiss me which I thought was odd (this was just before I got on the bus). I didn’t hear from him again that night or on the 1st Feb. I sent him a message and he didn’t open it or reply until the evening and then again didn’t respond to my reply until after 10pm on the 2nd Feb (my birthday - he didn’t even wish me happy birthday until I’d messaged him again that night). I replied to him and said I was thinking of him only for him to reply with “aww that’s sweet” and I asked when we were meeting again and have heard nothing back since (it’s the 4th now). I keep making excuses for him that he must be busy but deep down I feel I was just used for one thing and that I won’t hear from him again until he wants sex again. It can’t have been great for him considering I was a virgin and super tense. Just don’t understand and wanted a male perspective. I’d rather ask him where I stand with him so that I can move on before I get too attached but I don’t want to be dramatic. I won’t turn into a psycho (I’d be hurt, I won’t lie) but I’m dignified enough to take the truth and deal with it. Please help, I’m so confused. (I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but I was an older virgin - 31 years old and turned 32 on the 2nd Feb. I’d told him this and he was so considerate and as gentle as he could be with me. Maybe too much for him to want to take on?) .
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jespah
 
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Reply Mon 4 Feb, 2019 09:31 am
@KeestMcG87,
The reason for his interest flagging doesn't matter. Not one whit.

All that matters is he's not too into you. You proved to be a roll in the hay and that was, like you said, probably not the greatest for him ever. So he got what he wanted and moved on. He may not even have wanted that initially, but then once the opportunity presented itself, he figured, what the hell.

Either way -- a few things.
  • Don't chase anyone. Sending an occasional note is one thing. But cut the every day stuff until you're in a more committed connection. You weren't. So expecting him to contact you every day led to unnecessary disappointment on your part. And on his, it probably felt smothering.
  • Please don't sleep with people who don't seem to be that into you. It won't magically turn them attentive.
  • Find lots and lots of ways to meet people. And I said people, not men (although single men are a subset of course). Get out in the world and go to classes, the gym, volunteer, whatever floats your boat. Be among people, stick your hand out, and introduce yourself. Why? Because this guy is small potatoes. When you have a number of relationship options, you'll see why this is so.
  • Please get yourself reliable birth control AND carry condoms with you, every day. Just stick 'em in your purse. Now that you are sexually active, even if that's infrequent, you need to prevent both pregnancy and STDs. Talk to your doctor about birth control options as there are plenty out there.
  • And, hang in there. They can't all be gems. Take a lesson from this in not chasing or bothering with someone who's lukewarm, ever again.
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