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Wed 13 Apr, 2005 01:26 pm
So as you remember I'm the one that was dating the recovering alcoholic, but we became just friends since he couldnt handle being emotionally involved. He said he felt like he was upsetting me anytime he couldnt see me and that he couldnt be in a serious relationship. I still like him, but have agreed to be friends with him.
On friday did an internet search on his name. one of the results that came up was at this club in FL. He was in 2 pictures. In both pics he had a drink in his hand and was surrounded by scantily clad women. I immediately felt sick. Since we have been talking there have been 2 times that he's gone down to FL. I assumed those pictures were from then. THe whole time we've been talking he has told me he has nothing at all going on with anyone and doesnt want to be involved with anyone. I know i have some built up anger about him starting something with me and then just abruptly ending it. To see those pics put me over the edge. On an impulse i sent him a text that say, I dont think we should talk anymore, i think you've been pretty dishonest, I cant believe what a frickin idiot i've been, everytime you go down to FL you've been hooking up with other girls.
He didnt respond and i ended up telling my mom about it. she said that she had seen those pics on the net as well and they were from last year. I went back and looked and she was right, they were taken before i knew him. She called me cracked and told me i needed professional help.
So i call him and apologize. He was like, i have no idea where any of that came from, i didnt do anything to instigate that. I said, i know, i'm sorry, i dont know what came over me, i feel really bad. He said, it seems like you get mad at me, then you apologize so quickly after. i said i was sorry again. He said, well dont send me messages like that anymore. Then i said, ok, i'm sorry. Then we hung up. I sent another text that, i'm sorry again, i guess i still like you, i just miss you.
LAter that night he sent a text that said, i dont want anymore nasty messages from you so i think we shuld not really communicate this sux. I wrote back, ok, i guess that's really the only way for me to get over you, this does s*ck for me, i tired, but it just hurts that i cant ever see you. I woke up the next morning and felt irriated and wrote, i apologize again for the texts, but please realize that i wasnt the only one who wasnt perfect throughout this, im not just some b*tch. He wrote back, No worries, let just be silent.
So i realize i messed up bad. I had no right to send those texts, esp because he hasnt a clue in hell what made me say those things, but i cant tell him i did a net search on his name. He thinks i'm nuts, i realize this. I feel guilty about everything and i want to apologize. I just dont know if there's a point...he said he wants us to be silent so to me that sounds like he is really mad. I dont want to upset him anymore than i already have ):
Girl...the only way your going to feel better about this is to be honest with him. Tell him what you done...and what you found, if nothing else show him. But be honest.......its the only way..even if it upsets him, you'll feel better about it. If you leave it left like it is, its not completely finished and he'll be left thinking your a nut.
We've all done name searches, its out of curiosity..nothing more.
re
i cant tell him...he doesnt want to speak to me...i would feel ridiculous telling him i did a search esp because i'm not even with him!!
At this point, i feel bad about what happened, I would like to apologize but i dont think i will for a while...
I think your mother has a point.
You mean you DON'T get professional help?
Mom's right on this one. NOW.
re
i do see a therapist, but honestly i'm sick of hearing that as an answer.
There is no other answer. You need to get yourself to a place where you can comprehend why what you did was so wacked, and figure out how to avoid doing it again. He's right, you two are done, silence is going to come about one way or another. I'm going to wager that it will come when he quits taking your calls and changes his cell number so he won't get any more text messages from you.
diana, he didn't just abruptly end it. Rather the opposite, he was really quite patient for quite a long time.
I think the fact that even your mom has come around on this one means something.
Say you saw someone repeatedly bashing his or her head against the wall. The person paused, turned to you, and said, "Do you have any advice for me?" then before you finished talking went back to bashing his or her head against the wall. This went on for a very long time. Pausing, bashing, pausing, bashing, not listening to the various "how to stop bashing your head against the wall" advice.
Do you think you might recommend that the person see a therapist?
re
i already am seeing one. What i am asking here is should i or should i not apologize. I have not contacted him since then...to be honest i feel angry at him...but i know i will probably have to see him in the future.
What we are saying is well, lots of things. What I'm saying is that I've offered advice so many times only to see you go back to bashing your head against the wall that I have zero confidence you'll listen to it, so why offer it?
But what the hell. Offer a terse apology and promise to leave him alone. Then do so.
Move on and work with that therapist of yours.
Oh and stay single for about 6 months.
(Broken records R us, but I feel marginally better for trying... and trying... and trying...)
April 8
Quote:Back again. I'm still not over the recovering alcoholic. I think about him all the time! To refresh, we were dating for about 3 months, then i really got feelings for him and told him, he said he cant have anything serious
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1270493#1270493
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March 25
Quote:well things did not work out with recovering alcoholic that i'd been dating...we basically ended things about a week ago, he said he cant be emotionally involved with anyone, he's taking advice from his therapist
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1244547#1244547
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March 14
Quote:I'm not saying he's trying to rekindle anything
Quote:A week ago he said he wanted a break
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1222049#1222049
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March 9
Quote:yeah i guess i have basically come to the conclusion that i cant be in a relationship with him-even if he wanted one at this point. I would soo insecure with someone like him esp now that he's said he hasnt had feelings for anyone in years. I would kind of like to still talk to him, but i am NOT calling him or anything.
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1213295#1213295
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March 1
Quote:Then he went on to say how he was sick of having these conversations, and just because he cant hang out with me one weekend doenst mean that he is blowing me off. I was crying. He said he feels like he is always upsetting me and that maybe i should find someone who can give me what i need derserve and doesnt make me upset.
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1199987#1199987
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august 12, 2004
Quote:well when i was with my ex, we had always said we wanted our first child at 27...well now we're broken up and I just turned 26 and i have no man. So i have no idea if i will ever have kids. I dont mean to have a pity party for myself, but i guess i get sick of seeing everyone else's relationships work out while mine are in the tubes. I wonder what did i do to deserve this. Why does it work out for everyone, but me? I am happy for my friends, but i wish i could be happy for myself for a change.
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=838367#838367
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I think everybody would like you to be happy, Diana, but you need to look at what you are doing to prevent that from happening.
Several people have suggested over the months that you print out your threads here, and give them to your therapist as a discussion point.
You need help with this.
We can't all fix problems ourselves - we can't always see them clearly enough.
Talk to your therapist.
Actually, more importantly - LISTEN to your therapist.
You've already apologized. Be done with it, move on. The two of you were never going to make each other happy and you were never prepared to be just his friend, even though that's all he had to offer.
I know you don't like things ending this way, but this really is for the best.
What J_B said. And I'd like to add to it that there was no possibility of it ending any other way.
re
well i do feel a little mad towards him, part of me wants to send an e-mail apologizing at some point later, but then the other part thinks, why bother. i feel especially depressed when i think about his parents esp his mom, she was so sweet and i really liked her. There were a few times he and i hung out with her and i know she liked me too. He said at one point they'd ask about me every day to the point where it annoyed him...i think they wanted him to have a girlfriend. I'm sure i will see them all at some point, he'll probably have a new girl by then...
He might.
And that would be his perogative.
You have to be ready to deal with that -- that's why we keep talking about therapy.
If you're mad or sad or whatever, that's fine, there are a lot of reasons to be mad or sad. The thing is, the madness and sadness has to be dealt with by YOU. It's no-one else's responsibility. Definitely not his. Leave him alone -- if you must write, write but don't send. I did that a lot with one of my first big break-ups, wrote reams to my ex as a way to deal with my own feelings. Just wrote. Didn't send.
Good point, Soz. Writing things out can be very cathartic. Sending can be very damaging. Diana, it will take time for you to get past your feelings. Feelings are not bad, just painful sometimes. Work through them and they become part of your life experience so you're more mature and ready for your next relationship.
Good luck to you.
Re: re
diana78 wrote:well i do feel a little mad towards him, part of me wants to send an e-mail apologizing at some point later, but then the other part thinks, why bother. i feel especially depressed when i think about his parents esp his mom, she was so sweet and i really liked her. There were a few times he and i hung out with her and i know she liked me too. He said at one point they'd ask about me every day to the point where it annoyed him...i think they wanted him to have a girlfriend. I'm sure i will see them all at some point, he'll probably have a new girl by then...
According to your original post, you have apologized. At least 5 or 6 times by my count. Doing so again is a waste of your time and his time in even reading it. So why do it again?
Leave the guy alone. You are getting to the point that you are coming off as some type of crazy, desperate girl. Which is probably why people keep telling you to see a shrink.
Diana, you don't really listen to or absorb our advice over the course of many threads you've started. Coastal rat is talking about this one, but there is a long background of similar posts. I can't call it discussion, since discussing doesn't really happen.
Most of us are not so much interested in whether or not you and this guy are ever a couple as we wish you would gain a stronger less needy sense of yourself in the world. When we mention therapist, you tend to toss it off as annoying.
This person was not relationship material in the first place. He is in AA, at the beginning of alcoholic recovery. They are told not to start relationships at that very important time in their lives. Many people told you that, as did he.
Most of us see your gaining self-understanding through therapy as the one way that you can possibly not be here posting in twenty years, asking why some guy didn't call after you texted -
when you enjoy being alone better, appreciate yourself better, people are more apt to want to be with you.
Please print out all your a2k threads and deliver them to a good therapist.
I guess I should add I am not a social worker, therapist, psychotherapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. I've just seen how they can help people.
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