Can I love him again?

I think you need to get through the next few weeks before you start thinking about your long term feelings. What magical event is going to happen in a week or two that will let him come to his decision? 22 years is a very long time to patiently wait for freedom from an unhappy marriage, but I suppose you have to take him at his word.

A close friend of mine was informed by her husband of 20 plus years that he was leaving her when their youngest son graduated from high school, which was then one year away. He expected her to not say anything to their three sons but to start making plans for selling the house and splitting their assets. I share this to let you know that stranger things have happened and it's possible he's telling you the truth. It's also possible that he's in the middle of a mid-life crisis, particularly if his age is somewhere in the 48 - 52 range, and he and you will get through this with patience and a lot of love on your part. It won't be easy but, assuming you get through the next few weeks and months, yes I do think it's possible for you to trust him and love him again.

(((Claire_40))) Hugs to you.

My response will probably end up sounding similar to J_B's.

It seems like he is being honest with you, which he might not have done very much in the past. I think that if, in a week or 2, he decides to keep the marriage going, then you will eventually have plenty of reasons to trust him again. If he chooses to stay, that means that he has decided that an affair isn't what he wants, and that leaving isn't what he wants, and that you are what he wants. Of course, he still might choose to go, which might not be the result you want, but then trust and love aren't really the issues anymore. So, like J_B, I also think that you need to get through the next few weeks, and you and your husband need to decide what will happen. Dwelling on every situation that could arise is not healthy. But, again agreeing with J_B, if he is going through a mid-life crisis, patience and love could be all he needs to snap out of it. No matter what, stay strong.

It sounds to me like he either is already in an affair, or is planning it now. In 2 weeks his other woman will let him know if she's leaving her husband for him? In 2 weeks he'll find out from his atty how much it will cost him to leave? In 2 weeks he expects to have a breakthrough in therapy? What the f*** is really going on?

I'm sorry, but watch your back. He may be in midlife crisis, or he may just be a cakeman.

Claire, you have two weeks to get a bank account opened and as much money as possible into your own name. By "watch your back," we mean...protect yourself.

If he decides to stay, you can always transfer it back into a joint account.

But in the meantime....better safe than sorry.

I have the account. I also called a lawyer. She convinced me that I don't really need to see her yet, but my husband is acting very odd and I'm starting to wonder if he's trying to get me to put something in writing that make's me sound unfit as a mother. (He's sending me e-mails that are reminiscent of "the taming of the shrew".) I think it's time to talk to the lawyer. I just hate to do anything that he sees as irreperable harm if there's still any hope, but I'm not sure I even want him to stay at this point. He's bordering on being emotionally abusive right now.

I'll agree with Eva and everyone else here. Be safe. Open that bank account and get your money out. Prepare for the worst if ya have to, and if it happens, you'll be prepared, and if it doesn't happen, then you can just put the money back, etc. I do also believe you can make it though with a lot of understanding and love.

My advice: Think a step ahead and read between the lines (with the "I might have an affair" thing).Try to understand him and be there for him. Let him know you're there.

I remember last time the suggestion was made - that the woman take the money and put it in her own account - that someone joined the discussion and strongly suggested not doing that. I can't remember if it was an attorney or not. I would first speak to your attorney about the wisdom of doing so.

he told you he's never loved you. what else more do you need to hear to make new plans?

update
Thanks all for your help and support. I've had a very rough few weeks. He completely moved out and told the kids we're divorcing, he took my name off all the accounts and has been treating me terribley. I know he's done with our marriage, but it's difficult to let go of the person who has been my lover, friend, confidant, support, strength...for over 24 years. I know it's in my best interest to file paperwork with an attorney, but it's so hard to do. I keep hoping he'll come back. I also know in my head that all the terrible things he's said these last few weeks would always haunt me and without long term counseling, we would never be able to get past them. My head tells me to run to the lawyer and take everything I can get while it's still there to take and my heart tells me to keep trying to win him back. I go from crying for 4 hours one day to trying to look at the positives the next day. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I know these are all normal feelings but it's still tough. I have to admit it actually helped me become more ascertive when he broke my kids' hearts. At that moment I absolutely hated him. It helps to be angry with him, but I also know it's not healthy to stay angry forever either. Anyone out there that can offer some support or advise? I think the thing that's the hardest is that he's the one I turned to when things got really rough in life and now during the biggest crisis in my life, I don't have him to turn to. I feel very empty inside.

claire_40- Of course you feel empty inside. Your life has been turned upside down. He sprang something on you two weeks ago, that he has probably been thinking about for a long time. He has had time to adjust..................you haven't.

The important thing right now is for you to protect yourself financially. You can deal with the emotional stuff later on. Call a lawyer, IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner. Once you start becoming proactive, you will be getting your life in better order, better control, and that will help you to feel better.

It's bad enough that you have been left in the lurch. It will be much worse if you are left in the lurch, penniless. Protect yourself and your children, now. Good luck.


(((((HUGS)))))

I agree with Phoenix. Contacting a lawyer as soon as you can to get your finances in order as best as you can is the most important thing to do.

And the second call should be to a counseler or spiritual advisor. We're all here for you too and you can come here to vent regularly but a professional is experienced with getting you over the initial hump.

I think for now holding on to your anger is a good thing. Anger keeps us focused. It will pass at some point, but for now you shouldn't try to move to the acceptance stage too soon.

Best wishes!

Right now, spend as little energy as possible on your feelings (positive or negative) for your soon-to-be-ex.

Worry about yourself and how you feel about yourself. I'd guess that during the marriage you put the needs of husband and children before your own--and now, you're depleted.

Make a project out of creating one small, happy memory every day. Enjoy springtime. Savor a cup of tea. Laugh at a dumb television show.

Hold your dominion.