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Wed 13 Apr, 2005 11:35 am
My wife and I got married about 7 months ago, after knowing each other as friens for 3 years, and as a couple for a year.
While we were dating everything seemed like roses, we had amazing sex every second night, got along very well, coulnt be appart for too long and the "now" in-laws liked me.
Because of our situation, we are living with her parents. At least, until the both of us can get enough to be able to affort a place of our own.
Whenever we disagree on something, she runs to her mom, and tells her mom about everything. Her mom is at the point where she hates me, and likewise.
My wife seems to take eveything out on me, and then when I confront her, se says that I am starting a fight. Although, the way that I see it, she is misirable, told me before that she doenst love me anymore (in a fight) and is a mirror image of her mother, who hates the world. The will go into a shop and be stiff lip, not say anything to the clerk when he or she greets them and then walk out of the shop stiff lip.
The problem is that everything is taken out on me, and when I say something back, I am starting a fight.
My wife wont let me touch her in bed (not even sexual) and lately she is saying that I am smothering her, but she used to love cuddling.
We havent had sex for 2 months, and I dont see us having any for another 2 months. It has been going on like this since we got married.
She is blaming her lack of sex drive on birth control pills, but she wont kiss me, or let me touch her.
I dont want to divorce, but I am not going to be made misirable for the rest of my life.
Any ideas as to what I should or can do ?
Hi Wackoweazil, welcome to A2K.
I think it's possible that her sex drive is being inhibited by the fact that you are living in her parent's house. I'm not sure where you had sex before the wedding, but I'm guessing it was somewhere else. Another complication of living with her parents is that she doesn't have to be an adult. She is still a child at home with mom to watch out for her. It's likely that once you set up your own place, and both get to be adults, you will see things improve. It's also possible that there's already too much water under this bridge and it will be very difficult for your relationship to recover. It will take both of you to turn this around. At the moment it sounds like you're the only one who wants to try. How much longer are these living arrangements supposed to last?
My advice is to take her out to dinner and try to have a pleasant conversation about how things used to be and how you'd like to get those feelings back. Don't fight or get angry, just talk. If dinner is too public, then maybe a walk along the beach or through a park - somewhere you used to go. Every young couple needs time to discover each other's assets and warts. It sounds like you two are focusing on the warts.
Good luck and best wishes.
Is moving out an option?
I agree with JB's take, with a few other observations. For one, there are always things that are annoying about another person, especially if you are living with that person for the first time -- it sounds like she is just going and telling her mom about every little thing, rather than putting the effort into solving those problems.
One of the reasons I'm so against people indulging infatuations while still involved with someone else is that everyone has their imperfections and it's just so easy to get hung up on that, and it becomes self-perpetuating. The attitude of expecting and looking for imperfections lends itself to the imperfections expressing themselves -- think of someone sitting there with arms crossed, waiting for you to do or say something worthy, as opposed to someone who laughs at your jokes, sympathizes with your problems, etc.
SO -- what I'm saying is that I think that the dynamic your wife has going with her mom is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I agree with the other posters. If there is anyway to move out right now, I'd do it. It is much better to learn to rely on each other. You should be comforting each other after arguments happen. Arguing during the first year of marriage is quite normal, and the making up afterwards should be great! Being in her old house with mom and dad, in potentially her childhood room is creating a huge problem.
Hi guys (and girls)
Thank you for the replies.
Here is the deal, I am a South African who just moved to the USA about 8 months ago to get married to her. We have known each other for very long before, and frequently visited each other in diffirent countries. I think culture has it's impact on our relationship too.
Problem is that she is still a full-time student, so we cannot afford to move out just yet (we live in Calif.) because life is expensive out here.
We have our goals set for December, because by then we will have saved up enough to move to another city, where she wants to work, and where there is a lot of work in my field.
I also think that our relationship is damaged, and dont know if it is repairable. I am trying hard to let some of the "anger" towards me run of my back, but sometimes they take advantage of this and make me so angry that I explode. I know that her mom has a lot to do with things,
but I also know that she will always take her mom's part (she showed that already). I dont know how I can make her realise that we are married, and need to share things and actually work things out, between the two of us. I cannot get this into her head.
Urgh,
Enough venting...
Thanx again for the help... I will definetly suggest a weekend away.
We used to have sex in her bedroom, but lately, whenever I try to do anything sexual, she turns around or gets mad at me.
I know that she has also gained weight, could it be because of that ?
Whenever I touch her tummy, she tells me not to. We dont shower together, never have (small shower) but sometimes we were in the bathroom together while the other one showered. She doesnt want that anymore either.
If she's angry, has gained weight, and isn't enjoying the things she used to enjoy, she may be just as depressed and upset about the way things are going as you are. She doesn't know how to deal with it properly. Try to be as caring and uplifting as possible. Get her out of the house as much as possible so she isn't in the negative atmosphere with her mom. Walking 30-45 minutes a day will help with depression, anger and weightloss. If you can go together it will help strengthen you relationship too. I think you will be able to get over this once you two are out on your own if you keep in mind how hard it's been on both of you. Good luck.
Changing her birth control prescription can help. (She's "blaming" the pills but they really can affect things.) Getting counseling, either individually or as couple can help. She is a full-time student, I bet there are cheap or free counseling services available.
I would guess that she has problems with her mom, too, but for whatever reason has decided that there are sides and she's on her mom's side. Individual counseling could help her figure that out, too.
That's great that you have a goal of December. It sounds like she might be plain scared, especially given the relationship she has with her mom, and might be (if unconsciously) trying to torpedo the relationship so she can stay where she is.
The trick with all of these observations is how you convey them to her in a way that doesn't make things worse.
Hopefully it could arise naturally out of a talk/ argument where she says how unhappy she is -- especially if you put it in terms of your willingness to go to counseling with her.
wackoweazil wrote:Hi guys (and girls)
Thank you for the replies.
I also think that our relationship is damaged, and dont know if it is repairable. I am trying hard to let some of the "anger" towards me run of my back, but sometimes they take advantage of this and make me so angry that I explode. I know that her mom has a lot to do with things,
but I also know that she will always take her mom's part (she showed that already). I dont know how I can make her realise that we are married, and need to share things and actually work things out, between the two of us. I cannot get this into her head.
Urgh,
Enough venting...
Thanx again for the help... I will definetly suggest a weekend away.
The weekend away sounds like a wonderful idea. I think the 'make me so angry I explode' situation is something that you might try to work on. Perhaps if you feel the explosion coming on you could simply leave and go for a cool down walk. Talking this through with your wife one-on-one beforehand and letting her know how you feel about what has happened would be a good idea. This isn't an easy situation for either of you. Fortunately it's short term, although another 8 months might sound like an eternity.
The two of you need to have some deep, heartfelt discussions about where you want this relationship to go and then work out a plan to make that happen. Counseling can be helpful.
Hi, thanx again for the help,
Lately she is saying that I frustrate her, and we cannot talk about things, because she either ignores me or walks away. But if I try to walk away, the sparks will fly !
I have been trying very hard to communicate with her, but have no luck.
Like yesterday, I told her that I am going to change something on the computer network and will have to reconfigure her laptop. She was fine with me changing it, because of security reasons. So she went to school, came back and "tore me a new one" when she couldn't connect to the network. After telling her beforehand that she wont be able to connect until I change settings on her laptop. It is things like this that comes up every day. I am at the point where I just want to give up, but I love her and want to be with her. I just cannot take the "abuse" anymore.
She is studying Psychology (sp?) and because of that wont settle for a Marriage Counselor.
Yesterday I suggested we go for a walk around the neighborhood, so we can spend some time together, and she ignored me.
Sorry about venting guys !!!!
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