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A friend wants to date me, but he doesn't really care for what I think?

 
 
qfora2k
 
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2019 12:22 pm
A friend has asked me why I don't want to date him. I kept telling him it's because I don't trust people to commit once I express an interest back. They either turn it into a fling or they never follow through with the commitment.

That is part of the reason, however, my main reason is whenever we are talking about things and I vent to him about what I think that's frustrating me - he doesn't seem to care. Why would I want to date someone who doesn't listen to what I say?

I'm not saying someone has to agree with me on every single topic, but for the most important topics - his beliefs and values do not match mine. I'm fine with being friends who have different beliefs than me, but certain beliefs have to match mine when it comes to dating and I'm not going to drag someone by the ear to get them to see things how I see things. I'm only going to explain myself once.

A few things I don't debate on with a potential spouse and those are deal breakers.

I want to say, well I told him why I think the way I think about things and he still disregarded my opinions, why would I want to date someone who doesn't care what I think about important subjects?

I'm fine if a person disagrees on pineapple being on pizza - that's easy to accept, but when people don't listen why I think the way I do on more important topics than that, I just don't see them as a future spouse.

-It shows they don't care what I think period - they will still think what they want about certain topics even if what they think is wrong.
-It also shows they value a stranger's opinion more than they value mine being a close friend and they're trying to date me!

I don't know, would you be able to date someone who doesn't respect your opinions on certain beliefs?

This is why I want to date someone who already likes going to the gym so I don't have to beg him to go because he will want to go, anyway...this is just an example of what I mean.

I don't want to beg people to believe or do things a certain way and it's better if I found someone who already has the same beliefs and values as me in those areas.
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 263 • Replies: 6
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2019 12:38 pm
@qfora2k,
qfora2k wrote:

A friend has asked me why I don't want to date him. I kept telling him it's because I don't trust people to commit once I express an interest back.


dating is not a commitment

dating is supposed to be fun - for seeing if there is anything that someday far in the future there might be potential for a commitment
qfora2k
 
  0  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2019 12:41 pm
@ehBeth,
Your post doesn't really answer my question.

I asked: Why should I date someone who disrespects my opinion even as a friend?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2019 12:53 pm
@qfora2k,
If they disrespect you , they're not a friend.

Disrespecting opinions? what the hell is that? disagreeing with you? discussing things?
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2019 01:24 pm
@ehBeth,
That's what I was thinking. Why is he even your friend?


Although it doesn't seem so much that he dosesn't respect your opinions, it's that he doesn't acknowledge them.

You've made it clear you don't want to date him, yet he asks why not....it's not written but from your response it seems he keeps asking. Just like he doesn't seem to care when you talk about other things.

What is it You're not getting about this?

And don't start in with what a great friend/guy he is, because he's obviously not.

Maybe it's that you're getting a thrill over being pursued.

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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2019 01:37 pm
You said the disagreements are on “certain things”.

How important are those things?

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maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2019 02:03 pm
@qfora2k,
As a single man who dates, I have a few thoughts.

You should be very clear with him about what you want. If you don't want to date him, for any reason, tell him clearly "I don't want to date you.". If you would like to keep a friendship, tell him that too. It is your decision and your responsibility to make a clear decision.

If you tell him, "I don't want to date you, please stop or we won't be friends any more", he will very likely back off. If he doesn't, just cut him out of your life.

A lot of problems in dating can be solved by clear direct communication.

You have three choices

1) Cut him out of your life. This solves the problem... but it means losing a possible friend.

2) Accept him as a friend, but make it clear you aren't interested in more. This often works. It means he will have to accept the limits on your friendship and you will have to make them clear. But many times this works.

3) Be open to dating him. Your post suggests that you are skeptical of any relationship, and that you have a list of "dealbreakers". It is possible that these things are preventing a potentially wonderful relationship from happening.

If going to the gym is really a deal breaker, you are cutting out what... 80% of possible partners, many of whom are in excellent health (you can get a lot of exercise without ever going to the gym). The more "dealbreakers" you have, the less likely you are to find a really great relationship.

You get to chose who you want to date for any reason you want. Everyone else has to accept your decision (it really isn't up for debate). That being said, if you are looking for a good relationship it means being emotionally vulnerable and it means opening yourself up to people that might not meet your standards of perfection.
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