Daydreaming about name changes.

We're talking (touch wood) about after adoption, right?

I would worry a wee bit, Boomer, if you are thinking of doing anything with bio-dad's names before then - since, in my experience, men like Mo's dad (and maybe grand-dad?) react to any threat to their patronymial rights over their kids as though you had threatened to cut their willies off - no matter how little they have to do with their kids - it seems to be a primordial thing - like salmon spawning, or something.

But you know them, I don't.

Oh yes, dlowan - after adoption. That's why I'm just daydreaming about it at this point. Things are just looking good in that direction so I daydream about it once in a while.

Hope is a thing with feathers.....

And no, drewdad. I don't think it has anything to do with power or happiness.

At this point, I really don't think it would matter to Mo one way or another. When he gets older, perhaps it will -- I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

I was just thinking that since we would be changing his last name to our last name that perhaps I would consider changing his given name as well.

There is someone I would like to honor in the name. Someone who's actions indirectly brought Mo and I together. Someone who really prepared me for adult life.

Or, am I missing something and people think I should leave his surname intact as well?

Oh - well, in the end it is up to Mo, no?


My sense would be that having your surname would be a fabulous symbol of belonging upon adoption.

First name? Your idea sounds good - would depend on how he liked it.

You could have a lovely ceremony!

Yes, in the end it is all up to Mo.

I'd never considered not changing his surname to ours. To me, if a name is symbolic it is the last name that matters, not the first.

I don't really have my heart set on a name change or anything but I guess I'd not considered that a name connecting you to your present would be in anyway inferior to a name connecting you to your past.

If everything goes according to plan we should be able to start adoption late summer/early fall. My mom is planning a visit around then. It would be wonderful if she could be here to celebrate.

If we did change Mo's name to Myfriend Mo Ourname I know my friend could not be here but he would hear and he would be thrilled.

Are surnames not kept private in your jurisdiction? Or, is yours an "open adoption"?

I think in the end you and your wife will have to sit down with your new son and make a final decision on this. I think it varies with each individual case. So, our answers may not be the "right" one for your situation.

In our case, it just didn't feel like we would have done what was best for our daughter by changing her given names. It was enough for her that the last name was changed. This child had already gone through so much due to being in different foster homes. So, we were happy with the choices we made on her behalf.

Ours is a strange situation Reyn.

I've known Mo's mom for 12 years or so. She used to be my next door neighbor, where she lived with her grandparents.

Two and a half years ago she left her son at my house and never came back to get him. Last summer we filed for custody (in our state they have what is called a "psychological parent").

After we've gone for one year without hearing from Mo's father we can have his parental rights terminated - that year ends this upcoming July.

His mom will most likely sign for her rights to be terminated so that we can adopt.

Mo still has some contact with both sides of his bio-family and that will probably continue.

But more as to the law -- in Oregon there is no such thing as a "secret" adoption. All adoptees have access to their files. Ours just happens to be a lot more open than most adoptions.

If you decide to honor your friend by giving his name to Mo, you should be sure to tell Mo what it's about. Chances are he will be proud of the name and happy that it has outside significance.

That is what I would hope for, Free Duck.

I guess I think it would be really nice to give Mo a name that connected us while not disregarding his birth family.

I had thought that keeping "Mo" might be enough but now I'm not so sure.

We are big tellers of tales and I believe in the story-telling traditions (with a big nod to Noddy). Mo and I work through a lot of stuff with stories.

But 25 years from now I don't want him telling people how he resents us trying to erase his family.

I've worked hard and put up with a lot trying to keep those family connections for him because whether we are able to adopt him or not he has a history that, while not being without us, wasn't entirely about us.

Right.

I think of all the wonderful and difficult things you're doing, that's one of the most wonderful and difficult.

You can probably work a lot of these things together. When the long-awaited day comes (adoption), say that you'd like to celebrate and commemorate (well, more kid-friendly word) by adding to his name. Off the top of my head, "adding" seems less scary than "changing." Tell the story of your friend, and what he has meant to you and to Mo's life with you, and say that one thing you thought of that would be a great honor and celebration would be to add his name to Mo's at the beginning, and then your and Mr. B's last name to Mo's at the end.

I mean, at that point it can even be Yourfriend Mo Nucklehead Smith Boomerslastname, as the full official name. No rule that there can be only three names in there.

A li'l hug. New names hugging the old.

Then after that's done, you can work out which names are kept, which aren't, what he's called by, etc. I'd recommend and expect that he would be called "Mo" for a while, but the rest would be there. And could bring it up now and then, see what he thinks.

Definitely change the surname.

I was not trying to suggest tht you are attempting to get power over Mo. Just that names are powerful symbols.

Our best friends gave both their children two middle names. Why not Mo FriendsName Smith YourLastName?

A lot of the discussion here has centered on the meaning of the names. I think the sound of the combination of names makes a lot of difference, too. It has to sound good.

Very perceptive, Sozobe! "Adding" sounds much more positive and celebratory than "changing." And, yes, nothing at all negative about having four names. It's only at five and up that one begins to sound like a European princeling!

My uncle was Charles William ___________--known as "Chisle".

His son, Charles William _____________, jr is known as "Chas".

His son CW III is known as "Bill".

Then Newborn, CW IV is called "Willie".

Pick the right first name and the right middle name and you can go for six or seven generations without repeating a nickname.


Adding a first name and keeping Mo as a middle name (and use name) with your last name could well foil casual identity theft. Or Mo could chose to be known by a First Initial-Mo-Then Your Last Name.

My legal name is "X" but everyone calls me "Y". When a smarmy voice on the telephone asks to talk to "X" I know I'm dealing with a stranger.

May your dreams come true.

Ah, Noddy, you are a clever girl!

I was thinking about your post in a rather abstract way - the whole identity theft problem being the new crime wave - when I noticed the postman putting letters in my box and

CLICK!

A new name for Mo would mean a new social security card for Mo.

A new identification number for Mo that wasn't known by anyone else or their collection agency friends who have no qualms about billing four year olds.

An extra little layer of protection may be a very good thing indeed, Madam X.

I'm not sure it would be a new number though. When I changed my name when I got married, I got a new CARD -- same number.

Not sure if it's an option to have the number changed...?

That's true, soz. Hadn't thought of that.

I'm going to poke around a bit and see what I can find out.

"Generally, when a child is adopted, Social Security will assign another SSN to the child in the child's new identity if the adoptive parents request one. We will not assign the child another SSN if the child knows that he or she is adopted, is receiving Social Security benefits or Supplemental Security Income payments, or if the child has worked. In addition, if the child is adopted by a step-parent or other relative, we will not assign a new SSN to the child. In these situations, we will update the child's record to show the new identifying information and issue a corrected card with the child's new name but the same SSN."

I'm still confused!

But you can get a new number if you are/were a victim of domestic violence.

And there is a form and application process for getting a new number issued.

I need to be sure to hang onto any other collection agency correspondance as that might help us get a new number.

"We will not assign the child another SSN if the child knows that he or she is adopted"

Weird. :-?

I guess they only do it so the kid won't find out about the previous identity if the parents don't want him or her to?

But yeah, the collection agency angle could make a difference.

I guess the big question would be at what age can a child understand the concept of adoption.

When Mo can grasp "You'll be living with us forever and ever," then he'll be too old for a new SS #.