Daydreaming about name changes.

I think I'd like the symbolic nature of it. That it would signal a new beginning, new life.

I think that could be a little fraught right there, though, for a child who has already gone through more than his fair share of changes.

I think it might be nice to have him have some say in it -- a way to let him take some control of the situation. But the problem there is that it would be hard to do it halfway, and if he really, really wants the name Pinkpants Gordon...?

I think that probably the best combination of new beginning/ welcoming him officially to the family and old traditions/ same person he's always been would be to keep the same first name, move the old last name to the middle, and add your family's last name to the end.

For a kid, a last name is usually much less used/ part of one's identity than a first name. And if both the middle and current last name point to the bio-dad, no reason to have both.

So it would be Mo Smith Boomerslastname.

Yeah, that sounds reasonable. I would think that changing his first name would be difficult at this point, but the last name is sometimes not even known at age 4. My son didn't know his at that age -- my fault for never bringing it up. If you wanted to eliminate all references to bio-family, it might be fun to let him pick his middle name. To avoid the above mentioned Pinkpants () conundrum, you could give him 3 or 4 names to choose from.

Been there, done that.

Our younger daughter was adopted at 5 1/2. We didn't like her 1st or middle name. We did not officially know her true birth surname. That is according to privacy rules in Canada. The name is kept secret. We found out unofficially later, but that's for another post, and another time, where I will reveal how we found this out.

Our adopted daughter's surname was changed to our surname at the time when the adoption was formalized. She received a new birth certificate. We decided to keep the other 2 names as they were, due to her age, even though we did not like them.

Hi Boomer!

I think if the child is used to being called Mo then I would continue to use this as the first name. The other names are more changeable and it would be less stressful if the child were involved with picking at least the middle name, with some suggestions.

I doubt that he knows either his middle name or his last name.

But if you moved Mo to the middle he could still be called that and maybe, over time phase in the new first name.

I suppose that in school that they always assume the first name is the name someone is called though so it would be easier to leave Mo where it is.

Still, half the kids I meet anymore share Mo's name as it is based on a rather unsavory fictional character that captured the minds of the teen set a few years back.

I think -- all the usual disclaimers about lack of qualification -- that what would matter most is what he is called on an everyday basis. If he was called Mo and would be called Joe, I think that could be tough for him, especially since identity is such a complicated issue for him.

I was going to suggest that you go ahead and talk to him about it, if he's gung-ho why not, but I think this is one of those things where the gung-ho phase might be short-lived and then there's messy clean-up. Like, holding fast even though he's stridently against it, or going back through all of the friends and family and acquaintances you've told the new name to and saying "well actually..."

Hi Reyn and Heeven - you must have been posting when I was typing.

Reyn - that is exactly where I'm at!

I can live with Mo so I'm going to keep that somewhere.

I don't think changing the middle name would have a big impact on him at all.

Mo's real last name would make a good middle name, it's one of those names like Joseph that can be a first or last name.

But if his dad isn't bothered by not keeping a connection, should I be worried about that at all?

Probably not.

I was just going to say that if he doesn't even know his middle name now, you can probably go hog-wild there.

One thing I did purposely with sozlet is give her a somewhat normal first name and a pretty unusual middle name, specifically to give her a couple of choices depending on how her personality turned out. The same official name/ what she'd be called thing you're talking about, like if in high school she says, "Ugh, what a booooring name I have", she can change over to her middle name if she'd like.

Symbolically, I like the idea of having his old last name in the middle -- still there, just not of primary importance. You've talked a lot about keeping connections, as hard and complicated as it is.

My mom was christened Kathleen but she was called Eileen. There's a reason behind it but I won't get into it here. Anyway, she signs everything Kathleen because it is her legal name but when she talks to someone she announces herself as Eileen. She expects to be called Eileen face-to-face. She understood this from early childhood so it shouldn't be a huge upset or confusion to the child to be called my their middle name (if you move Mo to the middle). It can then be a case that, when older or growing up a bit, the child may decide to adopt or use the first (new) name if they wish, especially if the connotation with the "Mo" name is something that might upset them or be unprofessional to use when they are job-hunting. Can't imagine Fifi-Trixibelle getting you an interview for the position of CEO.

Hm, I have a different take on this: When I was going through the
"Homestudy" process (every adoptive parent needs to), in one
of the seminars was a female psychologist who was adopted herself,
and in the beginning of the seminar, she told us her story.
She was adopted as a toddler and originally her birth mother had given her the name "Faith" which later was changed by the adoptive parents
into something else.

She always knew about her adoption but she never knew about the
name change, and when it came up in a casual conversation with her
adoptive mother, she became very resentful. She thought her adoptive
parents deliberately wanted to sever all ties to her biological mother,
and she did not approve of her name change.

It's been so long, so I don't remember the details exactly, but she
legally changed her name back to Faith and became a psychologist
counseling adoptive parents in the do's and do nots of adoption.

After all these years she still got worked up over this and I guess I was
so intimidated by that, that I did not change my daughter's first and middle name when I adopted her. Actually I like her first name (Rachel)
and her middle name is not too important to me.

Heeven, I think it's a lot different though if it's always been that way vs. if there's a change. Little kids are usually not fans of change, any of 'em, and Mo in particular has had to go through a whole lot of unsolicited change, and is especially anxious about change as a result. (I think, boomer can correct me.)

The phasing-in thing could work, though, especially if both names are there -- Mo and one more -- and he has some say in which is used.

CJ, that makes a lot of sense, and was sort of what I was thinking.

Oh, I just remembered why -- I went to school with a kid named Chad. He was half-black, half-Vietnamese, born in Vietnam to a woman impregnated by an American soldier. I forget the term for these half-black Vietnamese children, but life was tough for them. He was adopted here, and the name Chad was given to him. That was his name throughout elementary school.

I ran into him in college after not seeing him since 6th grade, and called "Chad?" He completely tensed, turned, and said, "My name is Diem." I thought maybe I was wrong about who it was, but he added "Hi [myname]". Haven't seen you in a long time. My name is Diem now." He was always kind of close-mouthed on the subject, but it was something he felt strongly about. Diem was his name before it was changed to Chad.

Actually it wasn't always that way. My mom was born Kathleen and was taken care of by her real mother for a couple of years. While still very young, her mother moved to another country and so her grandmother took her and raised her, as if she were her child. Since her grandmother already had a child called Kathleen, they all started to call her Eileen, so that they could differentiate. The name Kathleen was never officially changed to Eileen but my mom never had a problem using one or the other name.

Not saying that this would be as easy for Mo. Each kid is different.

If the child is at age four, then I would definitely not change his name.
There have been some excellent reasons advanced. I would add that at
this age he most likely considers the name "his" and part of him.

As much as I disliked my name growing up, I still would have resented
anyone changing it on me.

Interesting stories all around.

But I'm not talking about erasing his name by any stretch of the imagination. "Mo" will be a part of it and he will most likely be called that forever. Heck, I'm even talking about using his real last name as a new middle name.

But he will be given our last name.

I'm just wondering about how much of his name I need/should/want to hold on to.

A lot of non-adopted people change their names too.

Personally I think all can go except the first name. He most likely does not know what the other names are anyway and won't notice they're gone. But keeping old last name as new middle is a nice way of keeping that connection there. You just have to decide if that's what's best.

As Sozobe notes, what Mo is called on a daily basis is very important, and it quite possibly would give him a sense of reassurance if you continue to call him Mo.

There is, however, no need for any of his written names to be Mo or a name that contains the syllable "mo."

For instance, my first name is a surname; my middle name is another surname, and my last name is yet another surname. I have been called by a nickname, totally underivable from any of my "real" names, since I was about 6 weeks old. Although I do my taxes, banking, and writing under my formal name, virtually nobody calls me it--except, sometimes, as another "nickname!" I have felt no desire to change my formal real names. They sound fine, and they are easily pronounced and remembered--but they suggest a thoroughly serious person, which I am not. As my parents realized, I needed a nickname.

Why not, as Sozobe suggests, ask Mo if he'd like to help you come up with a new written name--although he'd still be called Mo. He sounds, currently, a bit young to make this decision, but it does seem an appropriate time for change. You might need to hold veto power, because you don't want him to burden himself with something that sounds awkward.

Good luck to you both!

Reading back through, this story gave me pause.

I wonder if the woman ever considered that it was her bio-parent's that severed the ties, not the adoptive parents.

It is interesting that a name can come to mean so much, to be so loaded with meaning that it causes such deep seated resentment.

Miklos adds an interesting twist to the conversation too.

The only person who really calls me by my given name is my brother - and he's the one who gave it to me - and the people I work with. Everyone else calls me by a nickname.

When my brother left for college he decided to be called by his initials. Thirty years later that is what everyone outside our family calls him.

What you're named and what you're called are often completely different things.

I've been thinking about this...

Names are powerful things. Superstition teaches that to name something is to have power over it; mythology and legends are full of stories about quests to find something's "true name."

The question I would ask myself in your place is this: Is changing Mo's given or middle name something you would do to make him happy, or to make yourself happy?