Help I need advise, PLEASE

Sounds like he could be developing an addiction. Either way, it's a bad habit. Does he excersize? It's the best way to regain willpower.

I have suggested we go for walks or bike riding after dinner but with our schedules at work, its hard. He works mornings and is home by 4pm where as I get home @ 7:30. Not saying this is all the time but when he gets home earlier this is when he drinks.

He has had a hard 2 years. Both parents died within 8 months and he is the only kin. He has no family and is having a hard time dealing with this. I have suggested he go talk to a professional about this and he says he doesn't need help, that he can deal with this himself. male ego lol

Well he is not doing a very good job and tells me I don't know what it feels like to lose your family. I try and talk to him, saying that I am here for him anytime he wants to talk but he keeps things bottle up inside.

I want this to work and if things keep going the way they are it's me that is going to have a nervous break down. this frustrates me to know end that he keeps everything inside.....i am definitely one whom express my feelings. lol

It really is important that he can open up to you. If he is unwilling it can destroy the relationship, but will certainly impede it. I would recommend forcing him to talk about it. If you make a big enough deal about it he may realize how important it is. But I don't know, we guys can be pretty stubborn.

Also, he's creating a dangerous habit in using alcohol to get over loved ones. That's a process that can take years. So, of course, if he grows more and more dependant on alcohol, for several years, then he's a goner. There are a passel of ways it could affect both you and him, but I would recommend getting him off of alcohol entirely, until he learns another way to cope. (He won't even start healing until he starts talking about it, and you should be the one he talks to).

What's the problem here? He drinks. So what?

Now that I have your attention...........

Seriously, what is it that worries you about his drinking? I've read the thread and I can see a reference to "12 beers later". Does he know how to stop or not? Does he know how to drink responsibly or not? I'm not trivialising your concerns but there are two aspects to this issue it seems to me.

1. Your relationship.
2. His drinking.

You want to control his drinking. Please note that and tell me if I'm being unfair. You want to control his drinking. Now why is that? Have you been in a previous relationship with an alcoholic and are frightened that your bloke might turn out to be also an alcoholic? I'm not laying blame here, just blundering around with a few questions.

Does he see or feel a need to control his drinking other than to placate you? If he is only controlling it to placate you then he has a drinking problem.

But you have a control problem. You're replicating - at least in his eyes - his ex's controlling behaviour. You said that she, his ex, controlled him as well. Why did she? Could it be that she knew he had a problem and tried to control it that way? If so, wrong. Anyone with a drinking problem has to understand it's their issue and they have to deal with it. They have to want to deal with it, someone else bearing that cross just doesn't work.


You mentioned that you are okay with him drinking at weekends. Why? You're controlling him again. Youi've got the poor bloke checking the calendar and waiting for 5 pm Friday before launching into it. Can you see what that's doing?

You know unless he's getting off his face or he's physically or verbally abusive to you or he's spending too much of the household income then I fail to see what right you have to tell him what he can or can't do in this instance. Your dictate to him that he only drinks on weekends is exacerbating the problem. So he can't saunter into the kitchen just before Monday Night Football (I know it's baseball season but bear with me) and grab a beer from the fridge?

You did mention you couldn't afford the expense. Fair enough. Booze is a luxury when money's tight and that's a good enough reason to work out just how much you both think you can afford and make him stick to it. I know I sound as if I'm going against my own comments but this sort of thing has so many variables that any response is going to be all over the place. Hopefully there's something in this that makes sense to you. Anyway work out how much you can affor for entertainment and get him to agree - not sullen agreement but a clear-minded understanding - that he can only spend x dollars on booze. Don't put him on a guilt trip (I'm not being overly nice here, just practical) but get him to understand what the household can afford and that he has to make a decision on how he spends his entertainment allocation from the budget. If that means a six pack on Monday night then fine, that's his choice but he needs to be held to it.

I don't think it sounds like she has a control problem at all.

She's concerned for him and their relationship.

goodfiedler, I don't think angeleyes is on trial here
Why should she have prior relationships with alcoholics in
order to be concerned about the man she loves? Quite
sterotypical don't you think?

12 beers per evening at least 3 times a week, probably more
often, since angeleyes comes home much later in the evening.

To me, he sounds like someone having a severe drinking problem, and unless he's getting proper counseling, it will
increase in quantity and become a daily routine.

A social drinker doesn't sit in front of the computer and
drinks 12 beer alone. It definitely is an additonal indication,
that the young man has a drinking problem.

angeleyes, welcome to a2k
in order to help your boyfriend you need to make him
understand that he indeed has a drinking problem and
that either AA meetings or counseling is mandatoryin order to
continue a relationship with you. Unless you force him
to make a choice, we won't oblige.

He himself doesn't see the drinking problem, thus he won't
act on it. It is you who needs to have some sort of intervention that will force him to do something about it.

I take your point CalamityJane and yours SCoates - but before AngelEyes begins to act on this she needs to have checked out her motivation. It's the first thing I'd be looking at.

And I'm not having a shot at you AngelEyes just adding to the mix of advice.

Either way of course I hope it works out for you both.

Re: Help I need advise, PLEASE


The above behavior is classic - he IS an alcoholic. Now you must decide if you want to live with it, because you cannot change him. I suggest you locate the support group AL-ANON, it's free and you can probably find their information with a web search.

Goodfielder. I guess I left some things out, let me try again to explain.
I am not trying to control him. By him drinking during the week causes him to miss work the next day(not all the time though but enough) and the fact that sometimes he does not have enough money to pay his portion of the rent and bills. So who has to put in the extra money, ME.

we are trying to save for a home and his drinking is costing us alot of money, which i resent taking money from our savings to pay rent and bills, when we make enough money to pay for all that and extra to save.

Yes you are right in the fact that my ex had a drinking problem but in no way is my boyfriend like him. (which is a good thing)

I know that stress is playing a big part in this but I need him to find another way of relieving stress other then turning to drinking all the time. It would be ok if he had a couple of beers during the week but when he buys beer, he will not stop till it's gone. this means a 6 or 12 pack.(keep in mind that these are king cans)

Hope I have answered most of your question