Anyone else have problem with spouses past?

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HI all. I have some serious issues with my husbands past lovers. I have been married for 17 years, we have 4 kids and are pretty happy. I was a virgin when I met him so he's the only man I have ever been with. He is wonderful. The problem is me. Before we got married he confessed to me everything. God, I wish I never knew! I stilled loved him so much so I tried to forget what he told me. He thought it would bring us closer but it has done just the opposite. Knowing all that stuff that he did WITHOUT me makes me so jealous. And sick. I still think about it sometimes. Even after 17 years of faithful marriage. It is at the point now where it pulls us apart so much. I don't know what to do. I can't stop myself because it hurts me so much. He thinks I should go sleep with someone so I will know for myself that it means nothing when you don't love someone. He is serious and I'm even considering it. I just don't think it will help.

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Oh my god, do NOT go and sleep with someone if you don't want a divorce. That is the worst thing you could do. It will drive a wedge between you. If not because he is jealous and resentful that you did that, because you feel guilty and angry that he LET you do that.

Everyone has a past...there is no reason why it should bother you this much. In fact, your husband is the man you love because of his past. My suggestion? Quit thinking about it! Did he do something that was so bizarre and unnatural that you can't help but visualize it every day of your life? I don't want to think about my husband having sex with anyone else but the fact is, he did and he cared about some of those people too. But that was then. This is now. You can't take away what he's done. Be glad he isn't cheating on you. He has forsaken other women for you.

Does it make you jealous to think he once had a milkshake without you? Or listened to your favorite song without you? Or was happy once about something without you? He wasn't dead before you. He had a life before you. And he shouldn't have to forget that life. Memories are all we get to keep. He loves you. He married you. He put his memories away and stepped into a new life with you. But he can't and shouldn't have to forget life before you.

If this is really a problem, why didn't you say something before 17 years of marriage? Why now? You shouldn't have married a man when you had these kinds of feelings. You can't go back. And neither can he. And you either have to live with his past or live without him. It's as simple as that.

Welcome to A2K and good luck.

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I agree with Bella, don't do anything to jeopardize your
marriage. Your husband loves you and your children, why
hurt him and everyone along with it?

I would suggest counseling to work this out. Find a good
Therapist and get beyond your jealousy that's 17 years
delayed.

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Bella's response is an excellent observation and well worth heeding. I am thinking that the real root of this may be that you were still a virgin when you married and your husband was not....I am assuming that you are feeling somehow cheated that the two of you did not experiece this 'first time' together.

He did not have to tell you about his past, but he chose to do so out of love for you. I am sure he did not intend to hurt you and felt that it would give the two of you a fresh start to the beginning of your life together.

Remember, he married you...not them. If he has been faithful to you these 17 years you are already ahead of the majority of the population. Love him for what he is today, not what we was 17 years ago. He has given you your 4 children as you have given them to him.

The fact that your husband has suggested to try an affair seems to indicate that he will do anything to convince you of his love. If you were to do this, I can almost guarantee that you will hate yourself afterwards.

Be satisfied with loving him, loving your children and most of all...take time to love yourself. Your self esteem seems to need bolstering . I will you all the best.

I realize that this is from a man's perspective, but I hope it helps anyhow.

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A man's perspective is just what we need here. Thanks Intrepid!

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Thank you Intrepid. You are right. I was a firm believer that I would save myself for marriage. My one true love. It hurts me that he did not feel that way. He was told "get it while you can because once you're married, that's it". I feel I waited for you, why couldn't you wait for me? Of course, he tells me if he knew I was coming along...ect.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think about it 24/7, but if we happen to run into someone from his past that he was either involved with or hung out with him when he was seeing someone else, I just can't help how upset I get. I want to block it from my mind but I just can't. I can feel my heart race and my blood boil. I am unable to have a decent conversation for the rest of evening. Sometimes I can't even speak to him for a day or two. Believe me, I CANNOT stop it. I wish I could. I know he loves me very much and I hate that I can't get over it. It doesn't happen alot, but it does happen every once in a while for the past 17 years. Seems like it's getting worse because now all his old friends are turning 40 and we've been going to a lot of b-day parties.

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Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars. There is a lot of truth to that. Men and women have different ideas on things; different feelings; different needs etc. It is amazing to me that we get along at all :-)

Jealousy is something that is hard to control, but control it you must. And, yes it can be done. I myself used to have that tinge of green in me. Still do to some extent, but you come to realize that it is a total waste of energy and mental resources to follow that path.

You said that sometimes you cannot hold a decent conversation for the rest of the evening, you should think of how many people this affects. First of all it affects you...it affects your husband....it affects the innocent guests.....it doesn't affect an old flame if they are there. Don't make all suffer for the sake of maybe one.

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KelleyF11 wrote:

Don't get me wrong, I don't think about it 24/7, but if we happen to run into someone from his past that he was either involved with or hung out with him when he was seeing someone else, I just can't help how upset I get. I want to block it from my mind but I just can't. I can feel my heart race and my blood boil. I am unable to have a decent conversation for the rest of evening. Sometimes I can't even speak to him for a day or two. Believe me, I CANNOT stop it. I wish I could. I know he loves me very much and I hate that I can't get over it. It doesn't happen alot, but it does happen every once in a while for the past 17 years. Seems like it's getting worse because now all his old friends are turning 40 and we've been going to a lot of b-day parties.

You can control it. You are an adult. But you have to want to control it. I know how hard it is to make the leap of faith. I am dealing with some issues right now that when come up make me act completly unfair to my husband. I know what you are going through because even if my situation isn't the same, we have the same mentality when it comes to our men. Smile

Jealousy is an emotion you can learn to control, unlike love. Try this: (this is what I do when the situation that gets me all boiling arises) Stop and take 5 seconds. Breathe. Tell youself you are over-racting and reassure yourself that the relationship he had (had is the operative word here) is no longer valid. YOU are the woman in his life. YOU get to go home with him tonight. YOU are in control of the way you feel. You are not going to let this ruin your whole night. And then take another breath and let it go. Yes, I said let it go. Just stop yourself before you get going.

Trust me...you might not do well the first time you try or even the 10th. But eventually, you will begin to "talk yourself out of it". And when you start to realize that your fears are unfounded, you will start to realize how damaging your behavior is. And you will WANT to change. You will work at it. It gets easier.

I won't lie to you. It takes a lot of self control and a lot of patience. Tell your husband that you are working on this. Just to let him know that you might fly off the handle still but you really are making an attempt at changing your behavior. I truly don't think you need a therapist for this but if you feel you need that extra support, by all means find someone to talk to.

I think once you discover that you CAN let it go, you will become better and better at it and more comfortable with the situation.

You can't change the past but you can shape the future.

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Bella, there is one specific issue that bothers me the most about his past. About a year before we met, he had slept (used) one girl who was about 5 years older than him. He was 20 at the time. From what he tells me, everyone in the neighborhood was sleeping with her. He said he was with her about 4 times. She wrote him a letter that she was pregnant and that it was his. He ignored it because he thought it was a lie and if she was pregnant, he knows of many others who were sleeping with her too. Anyway, she wrote him again and said she had the baby ect... If he wanted to see the child, to call her. He never responded and he doesn't even know if she actaully had a baby. He talked me into believing the whole thing was made up. It has been bothering me ever since. I have never mentioned it to him in the past 19 years. He told me, that was it. I believed him. Latley I have been thinking about it and I want to know if she ever did have that baby. I don't know what I'd do if she did but I actually feel guilty not knowing the truth. I'm not sure if I should try to find out the truth or if I should just let it go. I would hate to have a knock on the door someday saying " I am your husband's child" and me not being prepared for it.

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KelleyF11 wrote:

Bella, there is one specific issue that bothers me the most about his past. About a year before we met, he had slept (used) one girl who was about 5 years older than him. He was 20 at the time. From what he tells me, everyone in the neighborhood was sleeping with her. He said he was with her about 4 times. She wrote him a letter that she was pregnant and that it was his. He ignored it because he thought it was a lie and if she was pregnant, he knows of many others who were sleeping with her too. Anyway, she wrote him again and said she had the baby ect... If he wanted to see the child, to call her. He never responded and he doesn't even know if she actaully had a baby. He talked me into believing the whole thing was made up. It has been bothering me ever since. I have never mentioned it to him in the past 19 years. He told me, that was it. I believed him. Latley I have been thinking about it and I want to know if she ever did have that baby. I don't know what I'd do if she did but I actually feel guilty not knowing the truth. I'm not sure if I should try to find out the truth or if I should just let it go. I would hate to have a knock on the door someday saying " I am your husband's child" and me not being prepared for it.

Now this is another situation all together.....

There is nothing to prepare you for the day when his child may show up, if it is in fact, his. And if, as an adult, the child comes to find her dad you can't step in the way of that. It wouldn't be the childs fault and even if the parents were complete dolts (and your husband would be guilty of this for not taking care of his responsibilty) he child deserves to know his/her past.

You're best and really only bet on this is to be honest and tell your husband this is bothering you before another 10 years pass and this thing gets bigger than it already is. Perhaps, after talking about it and voicing your opinion your husband will have some suprising things to say to you. Maybe it is bothering him just as much but because of your outbursts with other things, he is hesitant to talk to you about this. This is a HUGE thing. He may have been wondering for 19 years if he has another child out there somewhere. Think about how he must feel about this. Talk to him. He sounds like a reasonable man. You might be suprised.

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First of all,let me say that he should find out if this child exists,and immediately have a DNA test done to determine paternity.
The last thing he and you need is to get hit with a lawsuit at this late date.

As for the rest,everybody has a past.Its what makes us who we are.There is nothing you can do to change or erase his past,but you can appreciate it.
After all,if it hadnt been for his past,he would not be the person you fell in love with and married.
You might actually try talking to some of the women from his past,just to find out what kind of man he was then.Who knows,you might actually like some of them.

But you need to remember,he may have a past that would put Don Juan to shame,but he chose you to spend his life with.
That should tell you something.

There is an old song (the title escapes me at the moment),and one line is .."I dont care who you slept with first,as long as I'm the one you sleep with last".

Remember that,and realize this,if you change one thing from his past,you change the person he is today.

There,now my 2 cents are available,for whatever thats worth.

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mysteryman wrote:

There is an old song (the title escapes me at the moment),and one line is .."I dont care who you slept with first,as long as I'm the one you sleep with last".

This is actually very good advice....it doesn't matter where you started, just so long as you end up with me.

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Thank you all for your advice. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and I am determined to make myself control my feelings. I have to in order to not let this ruin my marriage to a wonderful man. He doesn't deserve this, and neither do I. We both love each other very much and I need to get over my insecurities about his past. You are right, without his past he wouldn't be the person I love today.
As far as the other issue, we discussed it and we both decided that the best thing to do is to forget about it. He truly belives that this child is not his, if there is a child at all. Even if I found out that there was a child, we would never be able to find out if it's his. The child would be 20 yrs. old now and it would be wrong to barge into her life and demand her to take a DNA test when there is about a 1 in 10 chance that he's the father. We have no idea what her mother told her about her dad and we have no right to start demanding things at this point. For all we know, she may have already found her father and all she would get from us was that her mother slept around. He also told me that if he really felt he was the father he would never have walked away from it, and secondly, this woman would have never let him off the hook. She would have pursued him even if were just for money reasons. He also told me that in all this time, it has never crossed his mind because he is so sure that he is not the father. We decided that if someone comes knocking on our door someday, we will deal with it then.

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Ah yes Kelleyf.....a wise way to live.

Live for today and worry about crossing those bridges only when you get to them!

I am glad to hear that you are making an effort to change. That is all one can ask of someone else and I am sure your husband will be very tolorant of your "slips" if he knows you are making a genuine attempt to resolve these issues.

Good luck!

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Anyone else have problem with spouses past?

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