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Mon 4 Apr, 2005 11:31 am
OK I'm in a huge predicament. I have been dating this guy Darius for about 3 months now...we see each other ALL the time, talk on the phone all the time...we really "click"...but it took us a while, and I have no idea why we clicked. He has completely dif moral, core values than me. He does drugs, doesn't believe in God, focuses too much on fun, pleasure, and money. He's been in college for 5 yrs now and still has no idea what he's going to do...he lives off his parents money. Despite all this, we care about each other, and I think he's a good guy, just misguided.
While we dated we had the understanding it was ok to see other ppl, although I dont think he took advantage of it. I however started dating this guy Austin...I've had a crush on Austin for a while now, and he actually called me up about a month ago. Austin and I have been moving very fast...he's met my family, etc. Well the other night Austin said he'd like to be exclusive. While I really like him, Austin and I aren't on the same level and me and Darius just b/c we've only been dating for a while. I told Austin I really like him, but want to take things slow. I assumed we werent exclusive yet. The other night, at Austins, he told me he was worried b/c every relationship he's had ended b/c the girl cheated on him, etc etc...it was clear he thought we were exclusively dating.
Austin is a great guy...a bit older, but very successful, has the same morals/values as me. He has all the characteristics I'd want in a husband...I just wish I could have met him 2 years in the future! I feel like I'd completely regret if I didnt get Austin a shot and see where things go...the potential for something really great is there. But the prob is, it's not there yet. Right now I'm more attached to Darius. Austin is a better "fit" for me, and we have LOTS of potential, but it's breaking my heart to break up w/ Darius. I cant date both...it would just be a continuation of all this confusion. In fact, I'd rather not tell Austin about Darius at all...would just make things complicated too soon int he relationship. I told Darius what was going on and I mean, what can he say? I just dont know what to do...am I making the right decision?
Re: help
Amanda2113 wrote:OK I'm in a huge predicament. I have been dating this guy Darius for about 3 months now...we see each other ALL the time, talk on the phone all the time...we really "click"...but it took us a while, and I have no idea why we clicked. He has completely dif moral, core values than me. He does drugs, doesn't believe in God, focuses too much on fun, pleasure, and money. He's been in college for 5 yrs now and still has no idea what he's going to do...he lives off his parents money. Despite all this, we care about each other, and I think he's a good guy, just misguided.
Is it the excitment of the "unknown", the opposites attract thing that you like best about him? Perhaps the thought that you can turn his life around and reform him?
Amanda2113 wrote:
While we dated we had the understanding it was ok to see other ppl, although I dont think he took advantage of it. I however started dating this guy Austin...I've had a crush on Austin for a while now, and he actually called me up about a month ago. Austin and I have been moving very fast...he's met my family, etc. Well the other night Austin said he'd like to be exclusive. While I really like him, Austin and I aren't on the same level and me and Darius just b/c we've only been dating for a while. I told Austin I really like him, but want to take things slow. I assumed we werent exclusive yet. The other night, at Austins, he told me he was worried b/c every relationship he's had ended b/c the girl cheated on him, etc etc...it was clear he thought we were exclusively dating.
Were you upfront with him from the start? It is completly ok to date more than one guy, provided they all know that they are not the only ones. It isn't fair to anyone if you are seeing a guy on the premise that you are exclusive. If you didn't tell him before, I can understand why he is hurt. Never assume you think you know what the other person is thinking. You should have been upfront and told him that you were not dating only him.
Amanda2113 wrote:
Austin is a great guy...a bit older, but very successful, has the same morals/values as me. He has all the characteristics I'd want in a husband...I just wish I could have met him 2 years in the future! I feel like I'd completely regret if I didnt get Austin a shot and see where things go...the potential for something really great is there. But the prob is, it's not there yet. Right now I'm more attached to Darius. Austin is a better "fit" for me, and we have LOTS of potential, but it's breaking my heart to break up w/ Darius. I cant date both...it would just be a continuation of all this confusion. In fact, I'd rather not tell Austin about Darius at all...would just make things complicated too soon int he relationship. I told Darius what was going on and I mean, what can he say? I just dont know what to do...am I making the right decision?
Give Austin a shot, why not? But don't do it because he is the ideal husband. That would be the wrong choice. And if you want to continue to see Darius, you MUST break it off with Austin or tell him the truth. In fact, I personally think you owe it to him to tell him he isn't the only one. But that is just my opinion and I can't make the decision for you. Do what you think is right. Good luck.
And welcome to A2K.
I think w/ Austin, he wants something serious, and is extra sensitive b/c of our age difference and his turbulent past w/ cheating girlfriends. If I tell him my situation w/ Darius, he'll prob freak and bail out. So at this point, it's choosing one over the other. In essence, I've chosen Darius...Austin thinks we are a couple, I talked to Darius about it today. I just dont know if I made the right decision...and while things are fresh, I wanted to get some reassurance/advice. Part of me feels like I'm being stupid...dont fix it unless it's broke...why ruin something fun w/ Darius?! I am taking a huge leap of faith w/ Austin, esp. b/c my feelings haven't completely developed for him yet.
Exactly. Do what you think is right. None of us can forsee the future so we must do what we think is right, right now.
Bella Dea wrote:Exactly. Do what you think is right. None of us can forsee the future so we must do what we think is right, right now.
I can foresee the future and this is how the situation will play out.
Amanda will choose Darius because of her attraction to the bad boy. By choosing Darius she will lose Austin because a nice successful man with good morals won't waste his time on a girl who wants to have her cake AND eat it too.
A month or two later Amanda will find out that Darius has indeed taken advantage of this non-exclusive relationship in the form of various drug induced one or two night stands. Amanda will be crushed thinking that two people with not very much in common really "shared something special." Darius won't want that kind of drama in his laid back life and begin on a two week span of not returning calls and trying to avoid Amanda.
After two weeks of being ignored by Darius, Amanda will realize what a mistake she has made. She will say to herself "Why did I pass up a good successful man with the same kind of morals that I have and all the potential for something absolutely spectacular for a drug using moral-less fling that really had no chance of ever lasting forever."
Amanda will then call Austin and ask to be taken back only to find that Austin has moved on and in fact found his perfect partner. Amanda will then be out in the cold without anybody.
I guess I am just always for making the best decision we can with what we know. Amanda understands the consequences of choosing one over the other, even if she doesn't want to understand.
I just think people take the safe route too often and it doesn't sound to me like she is ready for Austin, or will ever be. It's all about timing. All about timing.
Umm... if Austin thinks you are already exclusive, then if he finds out about Darius, then as far as he'll be concerned you've already been cheating on him.
You need to clear this up with him.
wow i just re-read what i wrote...i meant to say that i think i will choose austin (not darius)...but yes, scoates, i need to choose FAST b/c i dont want to start off our relationship dishonest...thats the fast track to disaster. its just that i LOVE spending time w/ darius...he makes me laugh and really cares about me a lot. but he's going no where right now with his life. i cant put up w/ that long term...and who knows when he will grow up and change.
Amanda,
Wow! I can SO relate to you. Your story reminds me of a guy I used to know. He was my exact opposite, too. He did drugs and drank alot and was very much on the wild side. I knew in my heart that it could never work between us. It didn't stop me though.
The only thing that did - was graduating and going off to college. But even then.....the attraction was still there. When I would come home on break and we would run into each other....... it was fireworks all over again.
Why was I attracted to him? To this day, I have no answer. Other than the fact that we had such a good time together.
In case you are wondering what ever happened to him.........he was out on one of his drinking binges one night. Drinking JD. He had an old camero that he used to work on all the time. That was his pride and joy. He was rounding a curve and missed it. Rolled his car over several times. He had no seat belt on. He was ejected from the car. The car landed on his body when he was thrown out. He died.
His name was Tony. He will always have a place in my heart. BUT, I know it would have been bad news if I had kept him in my life.
Try to think long term. Do what you know is best for you. But, I can tell you this much. If you don't find a way to get him out of your head.......there is a good chance it will never work between you and anyone else, either. Not long term. Your feelings for him will always keep a part of you held back.
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