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Wed 30 Mar, 2005 09:34 am
hello-
i have never posted on this board before so bear with me...
my ex and i were divorced last october, we have not been together since july 2003. we have two children, ages 5 1/2 and 1. i have been with my SO for quite some time (my ex and i were having troubles before we split). ever since i have moved on, moved out, whatever, my ex has not been supportive of the kids. he has only worked part time (there is a very small job market here), but found a full time job, and quit. we have a shared parenting clause in our divorce and he does not pay child support. he loves the kids, but does not see them often, saying he is "too tired" or some other excuse, doesn't pick up the phone when i call, etc. he is a lousy father, but none the less, i want the kids to know him as their dad, because it is not my decision it is theirs and they are still too young to know. my question is this- how do i get him to grow up and be there for his kids? and also, should i take him back to court (i don't want money, but he is supposed to be providing insurance for the kids thru his employment which he does have for himself, it would take up his whole paycheck though) i just have been trying to be nice so he could get his act together, but he hasn't done it yet. i do not like to create waves. my SO and i are palnning to get married in a couple years and when we do, the kids cannot be on state insurance anymore since our income will be combined. so should i start anything now, or should i give my ex more time to get his s**t together? any advice on what to do would be appreciated.
Sounds like a tough situation. My initial reaction is that he probably won't ever grow up the way you want him to. I'm not sure there is anything that YOU can do to make him more responsible. That may be something he has to do on his own.
If I were in your situation I would talk to him about helping support the children. If he refuses I would consider legal actions. As far as wanting your children to grow up with him as their father... maybe that isn't the best option. As far as role models go it doesn't sound like he is the best choice. I'm not saying they shouldn't know he is their father but perhaps a limited relationship with him is best.
And welcome to A2K.
Do you honestly believe that the 5 yr old don't know what is going on? That he/she doesn't know dad doesn't make much of an effort to see them? And do you think that once they are old enought to decide for themselves, they won't look back and feel angry for the way their father treated them?
I think Jpin is right on with the limited relationship. Find those kids a real father. One who wants them.
You couldn't change your husband's behavior when you were married and he loved you. Consequently, your chances of changing his behavior now that you are divorced are nil.
He neglects his kids. You cannot change this behavior. You can help your kids understand that they are great kids even though their father neglects them. Your duty is to your kids, not your Ex.
You can--and should file for Child Support. The state has a vested interest in getting your kids off state insurance. Full-time work might not suit your Ex, but since he has children to support, his life as a Free Spirit is limited.
Good luck.
The time for your ex to get his sh!t together is long past, shorty. The kids are getting older every day. The law says they shouldn't have to wait. File for support now. Your ex's responsibilities come before his need for "space," "rest," or "time to get his life together." This is what he signed on for when he became a parent, like it or not.
Noddy is right on target as usual.
Shorty,
I am not sure if he is not paying you child support because he was not ordered to or if he simply has "neglected" to. I couldn't tell by your post precisely.
The health insurance on the other hand sounds mandatory and if that is the least he has to pay, you have every right to take him back to court to get that enforced. In fact, I would insist on it! Too bad if it takes his entire paycheck. If he is that lazy that he only wants to work part time, then maybe he will realize the importance of getting a full time job and keeping it!
You are being far too nice in hoping that he will eventually get his act together. As Noddy and the others have stated, he won't. I know this first hand. My children are now 22 and 25. I am finally getting all the back child support that he didn't pay then. The miniscule amount I get will most likely have him paying until the day he dies. Sad but true.
Go after what your kids deserve using the court system. It is the very least you can do for them.
Good luck to you and welcome aboard!
thanks everyone for the replies
hello again,
to sum things up, no he is not paying any support whatsoever. things haven't been any better. i am now keeping a log of when he sees his kids and when he calls, because usually i'm the one who calls him. he saw them last sunday, AFTER i called him, because he slept too long. i guess he doesn't know what an alarm clock is. then he fed the baby cheetos for lunch (my 5yr old told me this because she came back in different clothes). and he hasn't called to see them all week long. it is wriiten in our agreement he is supposed to have them every tues and thurs evening and every other weekend, and he is supposed to provide insurance thru his employment. he hasn;t taken them for a whole weekend since august, but how can i prove that? he hasn't taken them overnight since xmas. and what if he loses his job? then he cant provide anything and i'm stuck. my sister thinks i should get him on being an unfit father. my SO would adopt them bith in a heartbeat. we have talked about it numerous times.
thanks to all who've replied.
mindy
Mindy
I feel your pain as I also have a dead beat ex. You need to get back into court and file for full custody and child support for your children. You also need to stress that he is neglecting them. Feeding a baby cheetos is not a good thing and you need to protect your kids. Your ex sounds like he's either an alcoholic or on drugs and if this is the case, your kids are not safe in his care. Either way, he doesn't sound at all responsible enough to care for the kids. If your future husband is willing to adopt your children and provide for them, I would look into that. If you bring your ex into court and he's given a child support order, he just may be willing to go along with it. I know my ex would have jumped at the chance not to pay support.
Best of luck to you and your children, and welcome to A2K.
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