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Sat 26 Mar, 2005 03:40 pm
Hi everyone. I really need some advice. I have been dating this guy that I met online. We have had four dates, two of which were sleepovers (one impromtu, the other a planned trip). He has kissed me, but that is the extent of any physical intimacy. When we stayed in the hotel room on our trip, we shared the same bed and cuddled but he didn't try anything more than a little kissing. I even said that I enjoyed him caressing my hair. I thought that would be a green light. The two days that we were together were a lot of fun, but exhausting because they were very active. When he dropped me off at my house I invited him to stay, but he declined for various reasons. Then, we had coffee, I invited him again. He again declined and asked if I would walk him to his car. I did and he gave me a big hug and a kiss and said goodnight. I can't figure him out. Are we just friends? Is he not attracted to me? Is he as gay as my friends suspect? Or, perhaps he is shy. I have never dated a man who wasn't physically aggressive and flirtatious with me. . .so despite the reality that he might not be that in to me, despite talking on the phone 4 times a week and emailing everyday, I don't understand what is going on. . .
Have you both felt comfortable enough with each other to share your sexual histories; discuss contraception; discuss protection against sexually tansmitted diseases; and to probably agree to testing before becoming intimate?
You really can't fault someone for being cautious in the absence of sexually relevant information. Unsafe sex can have devastating results for both of you.
Additionally, telling him that you like it when he caresses your hair is NOT the same as telling him that you want to have sex. He's not a mind-reader.
You talk to him several times a week; so take one of your many opportunities and start asking him the relevant questions.
Best wishes.
I believe we'd have a better feel for the situation if we knew your respective ages. In any event Debra- laws ideas are sound. If after following through on them and you still want the guy, go on the offensive both verebally and physically. What's to lose? If he's inexperienced, my guess is he's just scared.
Hi Flyboy and Debra-laws, thanks for the reply. We are 33 and 34. Both of us have never been married and both of us are shy enough to be utilizing the online thing. He has had many long term (3 yr or more) relationships that often were fueled by physical attraction. He has expressed not wanting to have another relationship like that because it doesn't work.
We are just now starting to talk about our sexual histories. . .like when we lost our virginity. I think that was a big step in establishing intimacy. I think I am just used to more aggressive men. Now I have to become more comfortable with true intimacy. That will lead to more physical interaction. A lot of our conversation has been surface level sharing. . .what our likes and dislikes are or our opinions of certain things.
margokatt wrote:He has had many long term (3 yr or more) relationships that often were fueled by physical attraction. He has expressed not wanting to have another relationship like that because it doesn't work.
There's your answer. I think you have nothing to worry about. As a matter of fact, I think he is paying you a huge compliment by not trying to sleep with you. A quick jump between the sheets has never worked for him over the long haul. Now, he wants to do things differently. That says to me that he thinks you are special and he doesn't want to mess it up. What a sweetheart, he must be!
Sounds like a definite keeper to me!!!!
Have to agree with Brooke - if he's been in a lot of long term relationships then he knows the value of a decent relationship - more than a fling - purely physical attraction isn't enough. He wants to really be sure he loves ur mind as well as ur bod before he commits.
I think you have your answer, Margokatt.
I think he's using self-restraint because, in the past, his raging hormones got him immediately into bed with women who were not right for him. He wants to get to know you as a person and discover whether the two of you are compatible without sex tainting his perceptions.
Thanks for the positive feedback. I hope you are correct with the analysis of my situation. We have a great time together, pretty effortless really. We are becoming really good friends and can talk about topics that otherwise would be tainted with insecurity. I suppose it is a good sign if I desire him in that way and am willing to express that desire verbally.
Debra_Law wrote:He wants to get to know you as a person and discover whether the two of you are compatible without sex tainting his perceptions.
Yeah. Sounds gay enough to me.
I think he sounds like a terrific guy! Who better to maybe fall in love with than your best friend?
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