Zombie marriage? Should I be worried?

Maybe you should. Hate to be blunt, but we can take wild guesses about what is going on in her head (and yours) but all it would be is a guess. The only thing we really can do is make suggestions. So talk about it with her. See if she will go with you to see a counselor (maybe a church minister or a paid marriage counselor) if you feel that would help both of you open up in a controlled setting.

Should you be worried? Sounds like you should. You are both stuck in a rut and don't want to talk about it. A few other suggestions that may wish to try before seeking counseling.

1. Have a weekly date night. Just the two of you. No kids. Get out and have fun. You know, treat each other the way you did when you were trying to win each other over.

2. Take a weekend trip together. Again, no kids. Spend time reconnecting.

3. Turn off the dang TV. Sit and talk for 30 minutes each evening. Again, connect. Talk about your day. Heck, talk about and plan a weekend trip together and look at what you might do when you get out of town.

I'm sure others will also have some good suggestions. Good luck.

FYI if your wife is gaining or losing weight, that could explain the ring shift. I lost a ton of weight and the only finger my ring fit on was my right middle one. I had to explain to a bro I used to work with that it did not mean I was separated, looking, etc.

Yes, you should talk about it. Marriage is no longer a life sentence. If it isn't working for you, either fix it or let it end. I can't imagine going three years in a sexless marriage.

As CoastalRat says, there are many things couples can do. It starts with a conversation... marriage counseling is often helpful for people who want to stay together.

There are many of us who are happy after a divorce. There is a difficult time right after divorce... but most of us discover that things are better out of a marriage that isn't working.

And what exactly is wrong with living with someone who is a good friend? One that you are comfortable with, have a safe happy nice home, have concern for each other and want good things for each other.

No one can, nor should they tell you if your marriage is normal or not. It’s your marriage and you and your spouse
get to say what is normal.

When others start sentences with “I can’t imagine (fill in the blank)” you’re in danger of going down the road of doing things and trying to live your life to satisfy in this case a complete strangers take on how they can and can’t imagine living themselves.

You say you are not unhappy, so that’s taken care of.
I guess you’ll have to buck up and ask her if she is content with the relationship as it stands. I personally doubt if everything around you would crumble and end over asking her that.

FWIW imagine this scenerio. Fast forward through going from neither one of you were not unhappy and content with each other’s company. You both go through the great stress and expense of divorce. Assists are divided, and now alone neither one of you can afford the living circumstances you have now. So now both of you are sitting in your respective not nearly as nice homes, watching TV alone, not having someone to even comment to. You’re still not having sex. You worry more about money because you’re the only source.

On the flip side maybe you’d love going through the process of finding someone else. Although I wonder if you can even ask the person you’ve lived with for 20 if they are content, happy, whatever word you want to use, would you like to do that? Are you even looking to find someone else? It’s not a life requirement to have someone else.

Just asking if you’ve thought it all through what your life (and hers since you care about her) would look like if your lives became different.

If you are “living a life of quiet desperation” as Thoreau put it, do enough to make yourself more content.

If you’re not unhappy, and it turns out she’s not unhappy, that’s a good place. Not just a good place to start. You can stay there or work on obtaining the next level for yourself.

Being not unhappy is a hell of a lot more than a lot of people have, and is not to be sneezed at.

Please don’t go by what anyone else says they can or can’t imagine.

Honestly? When I have looked at the lives of people I personally know who have in so many words informed me they couldn’t imagine this, that or the other about the way I live, choices I’ve made, or beliefs I hold or don’t hold, my conclusions are “well your life is a real **** show, regardless of how you appear to the world. Why would I care what you can or can’t imagine?”

IMHO, people who come up with mindless things like “good enough, isn’t” and all that other reach for the stars stuff do that for attention to themselves, and don’t have to live your life.

Ask the wife if she’s ok with your life together. If she says she is, and you’re ok with your life together, then you’re ok.

I disagree with Chai on her outlook on life. She also paints a very negative view of divorce. Most divorced people, including me, are much happier than we were when we are married. I don't know anyone who regrets a divorce (although I am sure they exist).

Divorce represents a new start, a new phase in life. I am not saying it is some magical happiness cure that will solve all of one's problems, but it does get you out of a situation that isn't working and open up possibilities that very well might work better.

Since I divorced my sex life has been much better. In the first parts of marriage, there was consistency and security in sex... my wife was generally there. That is an advantage of marriage. After my marriage turned cold, even when their was sex it wasn't very good. Since my divorce I have never gone for years without sex. There are roughly equal numbers of divorced men and divorced women... you can do the math. There is something special and exciting and hopeful about a new relationship.

Of course there are two sides. There are often economic costs to divorce. And, there is a difficult time where you have to rediscover yourself as a single person. But there are many happy divorced people who find their lives better after ending a marriage that wasn't working.

Life doesn't come with a guarantee of happiness, but sometimes what we need is hope and a chance for something new.

That is an excellent point Jes.

I am no longer the slip of a girl that married decades ago. I realized years and years ago the band was tight, and I took it off. I never like wearing jewelry anyway.

Later my husband noticed his band was worn out. He took a ring with a lions head I had given him as a gift long ago and put it on that finger instead.

We’re not any more or less married, and it’s our normal.

We just flat out have too many worries over what we “should” do and what our life “should” be like at any particular moment. Seems like 99% based on what others who don’t walk in our shoes tell us what we “should” be doing or want.