proxy fathers

The British Government's policy of socialised medicine
has recently been broadened to include a service called
"Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married
woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first
five years of her marriage may request the service of a
proxy father - a government employee who attempts to
solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy
father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says,
"I'm off. The government man should be here soon."

Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the
bell.

Ms Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but
I've come to....."

Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. You'll be reassured to
know that I've made a speciality of babies, especially
twins."

Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold
on the idea?"

Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I
both agree this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two
in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple
on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows
the subject to really spread out."

Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it
hasn't worked for Harry and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a
good one everytime, but if we try several locations
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card
says, "I aim to please."

Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at
ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in
five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at
this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby
pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or
not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins
in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Ms Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her
down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never
worked under such impossible conditions. People were
crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
good look."

Ms Smith: "A good look?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The
mother got so excited she started bouncing around,
squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate.
I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By
that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my
shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I
just packed it all in."

Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh,
equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I
consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting
my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one
in the front window of a big department store."

Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."

Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my
equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me
to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith? Ms Smith?