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Should he Avoid talking about her?

 
 
Reply Wed 3 Oct, 2018 09:19 pm
Hello, so not so long ago my boyfriend of 8 months which is older than me, we were talking and I guess that during our conversation something triggered him to talk about a girl, who last year (Feb-2017) he met in his work area, she is a Senior management administrator of a beautiful building and he is part of a group of engineers who were working in that building, so he told me that she was very flirtatious, he thought she was engaged because of a ring she had, but then she appeared without the ring, cause her boyfriend had dumped her for his ex girlfriend, so well my boyfriend which by that time was single and we had not still not met each other , started going out with her, and getting to know each other, this girl was always flirting with him, and so he felt attracted to her quickly, thereby felt many illusions quickly, the point is they did not have a relationship, it never got to the point of boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship (they did not even have sex) he told me that he got tired cause she was too Diva, but also that she was too insecure and was not balanced mentally (According to my boyfriend) so he got bored of her excuses, and her behavior I guess, so that ended.


So a weekend when we were together, he brought her up, I do remember when him and I started dating he talked very superficially about her, barely nothing, but know he opened more about her and who is she and more detailed explanations, So I felt a little insecure when he brought her up(Especially when he said that she is very pretty,looks like a model,has a great job, etc,, This really made me feel DOWN!!!) cause I had seen a picture of her on his Facebook( BTW me and My boyfriend don't have each other on Facebook, months ago he told me his profile user name, to add each other but I never did),so this girl that I had seen on his friends list, I had assumed it was the same girl he had mentioned at the beginning, and in fact it was her, so I knew how she looked physically,She does have a similar style/prototype like me.


But now for some weird reason, I feel the curiosity to see how she looks like, to see her pictures and compare myself to her, and see who is hotter, prettier, best body all his nonsense. I don't want to say it's an obsession, but I get very curious about all of this, Am I being insecure for feeling this way? or is it normal curiosity, or just to even compare myself to another girl that my boyfriend had something with.


I just feel very curious, I just hope he is not with me, because that girl and me have a similar prototype. I feel as if I wanted to know who he finds better if me or her, physically speaking, but I don't dare to ask him, I don't think that I wont. I am going to be honest, I don't want to sound cocky or like if I am trying to put her down, I admit she is pretty, but the way that my boyfriend described her or talked about her, was not what I was expecting, I thought she was like some gorgeous 5'9 model, beautiful face, hair, everything, So I felt very shocked, like surprised when I saw her picture, I was thinking of something WOW, but not Really,as I said she is pretty, cute girl, normal to me, just my opinion, but not supermodel, he even told me that the building where she works, half of the man that lived in that luxury building where after her, sending her flowers, she is part of the management group.


He told me at first that they almost got intimate but they didn't and yesterday when I brought the topic how much is too long to wait to have sex again, I was like a year is too much in my opinion, so I asked him if last year (referring to 2017) if had intimacy with someone or not, and he says ''yes at the beginning, I was with a girl. we went out a couple of times, and had sex'', was it love? NO, and I am glad it did not worked. He says he does not like the fact that a girl has to much admirers behind her, in my case I am laid back, relax, I have never cheated, so perhaps he feel too comfortable and settled with me, but maybe he needs a little pinch and see that I have my admirers too, LOL, so he can wake up a little.


I don't know why I felt so down or belittled in that moment when he mentioned their history/ fling, maybe it was shock, a little jealousy, insecure???.
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2018 06:29 am
@lesliemarie,
You're right; you're being insecure. But it doesn't help that he's being insensitive.

He is with you and not her. So whatever objective (if there even is such a thing) measure of hotness Does. Not. Matter. Flakiness, drama, and unreliability can make someone a lot less attractive, right quick.

So why does this gal have so many admirers? Because they have no idea what she's like underneath. Or maybe they don't care, and want to get a quick score and move on or maybe they're even nice guys who want to care for her despite her drama.

Whatevz.

That's her thing. It's not yours.

You do you.

And as for him, instead of underhandedly hunting around for signs of her hotness or some sign that he really is straying or planning on it, how about mentioning it if he says something about her?

As in: "Dave (or whatever his name is), it really hurts me when you talk about Susan (or whatever her name is) like that. It feels like a comparison."

Any boyfriend with a sense of self-preservation for the relationship will say back something like, "You are so much better." or "You have real beauty; hers is fake." or "All she has is looks; you've got heart and that's better."

If he doubles down on how hot she is, then you'll really know where you stand. But give him a chance to say or do something in his defense.

And don't stalk her FB! That's just plain creepy.
lesliemarie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2018 08:05 am
@jespah,
@jespah, Yes you are right, but this happened on a Saturday and he told me, I am really happy with you,I like the way things are going with us, we are still getting to know each other (we have 8 months) and I am glad that I met you, you are a very good girl, noble, plus you are younger than her, etc

But then on Sunday, we were talking about his mom liking me a lot, when he began to talk to her about me, and how much she liked me, and then he says '' in comparison with this girl I was with last year, ufff my mom did not like her at all, she just did not feel her'' this is why he ended up talking about her, and plus cause I was following his conversation and asking him details (maybe I am the one who makes him bring her up).

But then he says in a very weird/nostalgic way, but you are very pretty!, Honestly the way he said it sounded like if she was way better, prettier and basically as if she won. That is how it sounded to me, plus his face and body language.Maybe its just me thinking this, but I felt it this way!!.
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chai2
 
  2  
Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2018 10:31 am
Everything you said after all your “buts” are just more examples of what you have said already. You could go on forever with “but then....”, “but he....”, “but she,,,”

Jespah gave excellent advice. Listen to it.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2018 11:54 am
@lesliemarie,
lesliemarie wrote:
a girl, who last year (Feb-2017) he met in his work area, she is a Senior management administrator of a beautiful building

the point is they did not have a relationship, it never got to the point of boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship (they did not even have sex)


I asked him if last year (referring to 2017) if had intimacy with someone or not, and he says ''yes at the beginning, I was with a girl. we went out a couple of times, and had sex'',



were there 2 relationships for him in early 2017?

__

in any case, no need to talk about other women (not girls when they are senior administrators) that your current partner has been with

he doesn't have to avoid talking about her - at the same time you don't have to encourage him to talk about her

in a good relationship, you can hopefully have more interesting things to talk about than past/failed relationships

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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2018 08:48 pm
It’s not clear whether you are somehow “baiting” him into constantly comparing her with you (like you need to hear that) or he is just immature and feels he needs to fill gaps in conversation with ridiculous remarks.

Agree to not mention her again. See if he can do that.

If not, he is not over her and you need to move on.
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