My girlfriend's mom refuses to accept her as gay and our relationship

Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2018 03:54 pm
My girlfriend (let's call her Sam) and I started dating at college have been together for almost a year now (still at college). My family is SUPER accepting of my sexuality and our relationship...her's however are not so much. Her mother is toxic to the point of calling Sam fat and unable to get a boyfriend because she's physically unattractive to men. Her mother found out about us dating and went on a HUGE tirade about how Sam is a sinner, a disgrace to the family, not allowed to be gay, and not allowed to return to where we go to college together (which was a bluff). Some background, her mother is extremely explosive about things that upset her, but in a day essentially acts like it never happened and is best buddies with Sam gain. Applying her pattern of reaction to Sam's sexuality, her mom consistently BLOWS up and calls her extremely derrogatory names, says her family will never support her, and that I am never allowed to be with Sam ever. After she gets over seeing something she doesn't like such as a picture of us or a text from me on Sam's phone, she acts as if I don't exist. Whenever she stumbles across something about me again, she is startled and emotional and acts as if Sam's sexuality is a horrific surprise every time. The hard part is that Sam and her mother had a close relationship when she was in high school; so being in a position where her mother consistently berades her really hurts her emotionally. Additionally, Sam is financially dependent on her parents for tuition money. These circumstances make a break from her mom nearly impossible. Most recently, I attended one of Sam's field hockey games, where her mother saw me and was visibly livid that I was there. She texted Sam after the game about how she refuses to support Sam while "it" (that's me) is in the picture and from here on out will not come to any of her games. Well, within 30 minutes after the game when I had left, her mom was acting as if nothing ever happened. This pattern is psychologically DRAINING for Sam and also makes it extremely hard for Sam and I to participate in each other's lives at functions like field hockey games, or seeing each other over summer and winter breaks because I basically have to be kept a secret in order for her mom to not explode and threaten to pull Sam out of school and ban her from seeing me. How does Sam conquer this toxic emotional battle with her mother and how do I continue to be present in Sam's life when I have to be basically kept a secret from her mom?
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2018 05:04 pm
This is Sam's war to fight, and not your own. I realize you care and you want to be supportive, and also that it's affecting you.

But you're not being affected like she is. So take your cues from her, rather than trying to find solutions for her (unless she specifically asks that you do just that).

As for you and her mom, well, you wouldn't be the first-ever gf or even spouse where a parent pulled an ultimatum out of their ass and yelled, "If she's going, then I'm not!" So go where you want to go, long as Sam is okay with it. Don't walk on eggshells around Sam's mom. Live your life.

Sam's mom is passive-aggressive at the best of times, and homophobic at the worst. And I'm sorry. Will she ever change? I have my doubts, but people sometimes surprise us.

But either way, take your cues from Sam.
Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2018 07:24 pm
Thank you so much, this was very helpful. I definitely want to go with what Sam thinks is best, I just fear that she is being passive as well and will allow her mother to continue to walk all over her and our relationship
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Reply Mon 1 Oct, 2018 07:31 pm
Sam's in college - encourage her to seek support from the school - either from a staff counsellor or from a student allies group.

You are not her therapist.

Encourage, don't direct.

She needs to learn to deal with her family independently. Let her rant - encourage her to get help from others but don't put yourself in a place where you are seen as a counsellor - that won't work well in the long run.

If there are community support groups, attend them yourself, invite Sam to go with you - but don't push.

She's growing up and needs to work it through. Be supportive, be encouraging. Don't join in on rants.
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Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2018 12:38 am
I agree. You need to be supportive to Sam and keep a safe distance from her family especially her mom to keep this relationship going. your time will come eventually.
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Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2018 11:57 am
"Sam's" mom sounds like mine used to be. I hate to say this, but the only way for her to get away from the stress is to get away from her family. My parents also paid for college, and everything else which they never let me forget, and I left home and missed my friends, but not them. I feel for you two and when I hear the word "sinner", it makes me want to scream and smash windows. My dad was a religious nutbag and I cannot abide that crap nowadays. I hope you both stay strong and work through this. Homophobia is passe and boring anymore. I am tired of hearing about it.
Reply Thu 4 Oct, 2018 12:36 pm
Don't stop loving. Eventually, her mom will see how you love her daughter and will accept everything. You can also ask Sam on how she wants to go on with your relationship. If she's willing to fight for it, support her.
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Reply Mon 8 Oct, 2018 09:07 am
I really appreciate your response Medusax. If you don't mind me asking, how exactly did you break from your family? Sam is very much so attached to home and has a 10 year old younger sister who is oblivious to the war between her mom and Sam who Sam loves very much. Everytime her mom texts her something to the effect of "God spoke to me and told me that this is not the life you are meant to live" and blah blah, Sam just kind of takes it and does not stick up for herself. I am trying to see this situation from her viewpoint, but I hate how her mom just tramples all over her without Sam putting up a defense. Sam is also asking that I do not attend functions that her mom will be at. This really hurts, as if she's choosing to appease her mom instead of showing her that we won't recede into hiding when she's present.
Reply Fri 12 Oct, 2018 04:01 am
AHHHH!!! ""God" said "God" said "God" said!!!! Translation...."I had a silly conversation with thin air and the air said....." Makes me ill. I simply left home.
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