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How do I deal with a workaholic boyfriend?

 
 
Reply Wed 19 Sep, 2018 03:15 am
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 months now. Our first month was fine. We got along together but when he was hired to a company which requires him to work for at least 14 hours a day, he has no time for me already. Since then, he became so busy. I truly am disheartened of what’s happening. I tried to understand him but every time we talk, he’ll just say that his work is more important now. Every time he says that, a foreign feeling would come up in me and think that he might be flirting with somebody else in his office. What should I do?

 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Wed 19 Sep, 2018 07:46 am
@stressgf26,
If his company requires him to work 14 hours/day (probably close to illegal if not already there in the US, except for things like medical residents on call or brand-new lawyers trying to bring in business and bill to an impossible standard), then that's what they require.

And that doesn't mean he's a workaholic. It means he's doing what his company requires of him. A workaholic is when someone works longer hours or during vacations and at other times when they genuinely don't need to. That's not him.

So - let's break it all down. There are 24 hours in the day and that number can never be increased.
  • 14 hours for work
  • 1 hour for meal prep, eating, and cleanup (I'm assuming he eats 2 meals at the office, but he may be eating all 3, given that schedule)
  • 1 hour for personal hygiene (shower, shave, dental care)
  • 1 hour for working out and also for getting dressed and selecting clothes
  • 1 hour for chores other than cleaning up food items (this is an average and includes food shopping and put away, wiping down the bathroom, laundry -- because even if he has a laundry service do the work, he still needs to get his stuff to the laundry, pay them, put his clothes away, etc.). Even if he has a maid service to do all of his chores for him, he still has to hire and possibly fire people, pay them, etc, so consider that to be an average, too
  • 1 hour for round-trip commuting (remove this hour if he works from home 100% of the time)
  • 5 hours for everything else

TOTAL: 24 hours

Of course I may be estimating too high in some of these areas, but even if you cut the 5 hours of chores, commuting, etc. total in half, you are still left with 2.5 hours for him to do all of that and 7.5 hours for everything else.

That "free" time is for him to catch up with friends, consume entertainment, possibly look for another job, and to sleep. And God help him if he ever gets insomnia or gets sick.

He has zero time for you. Unless you want to live with him and see him for a few moments before and after his work, you won't see him.

Do you care about him at all? Then either manage his affairs so he doesn't have to or help him find another job. And quit complaining that he has no time for you because of course he doesn't.

If this is leaving you disheartened, then end the relationship now. As for him, if I were him, I'd be relieved that I wouldn't have to schedule in time to appease an overly needy relationship partner who couldn't understand why I would prefer my meager 5 hours of sleep per night over them.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Sep, 2018 10:59 am
@stressgf26,
You have two choices. Either support him, or leave him.

If this is temporary... I might able to support it. I would need to know that date when things would get back to a normal schedule.

If this were indefinite, I would end the relationship quickly.
Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Wed 19 Sep, 2018 02:17 pm
@stressgf26,
Is the 14 hours every day - 7 days a week? I think this would kill a person. Or is it 5 days a week or is it is a shortened workweek to make up for the extra hours per day?

Is this temporary or seasonal (like tax season might be for a tax accountant)?

If it is as you are making it sound a 5 or more day workweek with 14 hours a day, the poor sap has to be exhausted and will have no time for you - as he stated. If that is the case, it is up to you whether you want a boyfriend that you will rarely spend time with.

He gave you his answer - work is more important than you - now he may have be exhausted and you got on his nerves when you asked so he snapped and gave you an unkind answer. If you want a boyfriend you can see and spend time with - he might not be the one for you.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 19 Sep, 2018 02:33 pm
@stressgf26,
stressgf26 wrote:
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 months now. Our first month was fine.

What should I do?


relax

you've been together a couple of months - things in his life are busy and stressful right now

be supportive of him - send him a positive check-in message or two (maximum) a day. keep on with things you did before you started going out with him - hopefully your life was not completely empty before you met him - you've likely got friends/family/work/school/hobbies/cooking/cleaning/life/sleep yourself.

when/if things settle down with his job, you can decide if you want to spend more time with him again

relationships have ebbs and flows of interest and availability. we all have to learn to deal with them.


(I just saw a FB status memory of mine - when I had 4.5 - 6 hours of commuting added to my work day as I was auditing a contractor. Did I have time for much other than driving/auditing/sleeping/drinking tea/walking the dogs? no. Did my relationship survive? yup - with some understanding and support from my partner)
stressgf26
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Sep, 2018 03:24 am
@jespah,
Hi @jespah, thank for this for your effort in showing me how busy he is. I understand though, but gonna figure it out.
0 Replies
 
stressgf26
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Sep, 2018 03:25 am
@maxdancona,
I'm thinking about ending the relationship as well. But I'm giving it a second thought now. Thanks!
0 Replies
 
stressgf26
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Sep, 2018 03:27 am
@Linkat,
So might as well end this? Is that it? Hmm... I guess you have a point too. I don't think I can as supportive as other girls are.
stressgf26
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Sep, 2018 03:33 am
@ehBeth,
I'm trying to be extra supportive and understanding though but I don't know if I can still do it longer.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Sep, 2018 06:58 am
@stressgf26,
stressgf26 wrote:

So might as well end this? Is that it? Hmm... I guess you have a point too. I don't think I can as supportive as other girls are.


You haven't answered the question whether this is short or long term? If it is seasonal or you see no end to it.

If you see no end to it - and you are already thinking hmm, I don't think I would be so supportive, I don't like it - it might be best to end it.

Even if it is seasonal --- even if it is temporary - only you know if you feel it is worth it and you are willing to be supportive for even a temporary time or every year for 3 months say.

It isn't wrong to not be supportive if you are not the type or really are not that deeply committed to him. But we don't know you or your relationship so you need to determine that.
0 Replies
 
daverod
 
  1  
Reply Sun 18 Nov, 2018 10:15 pm
@stressgf26,
3 months is not 3 years or 30 years. It's still in the very early stages.
0 Replies
 
 

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